A moment in a thought

My thoughts, in my life, of adoption and other such things

Meemo’s blog January 31, 2007

Filed under: Adoption,Adoption reunion — Jessie @ 9:43 pm

Meemo has reinstated her blog, hurray. It took enough convincing! I sorta felt bad (ok alotta felt bad) for being the reason that she stopped this addicting behavior! For those of you who may not have read it, here is the link¬† http://anotheramy.wordpress.com. She’s pretty amazing.

Has life ever blindsided you, at like the least expected moment, and then continues to do so, even after you think you have everything sorted out in your head? That is sorta what I feel like. This relationship is like nothing I have ever had before. Sometimes I find myself wondering what the hell to do with it. I think Meemo said it best when she said this isn’t like meeting someone on a bus and hitting it off. This is totally different from that, it isn’t even like meeting your future husband or wife. This is meeting, and forming a relationship, with my MOTHER! 24 years later. A woman who didn’t raise me, didn’t have any influence on my life, or the decisions I have made, any influence on anything really, except my genes. Which obviously run strong, I have met very few parent/children who look as much alike as we do, who ARE as much alike as we are. Its almost as if I can’t believe she has been out there, this whole time.

I always knew that I would someday meet the woman who gave birth to me. The woman who was my biological life force. The woman who made the decision to give me up instead of try and raise me herself, too young to do so. I just didn’t know when. I didn’t really know when I was going to be ready. Sometimes I think, you really never are, ready. The change that takes place in this relationship is astronomical. The most major change in my life, came in the form of an email. An EMAIL! Shouldn’t these kinds of things come with a huge warning label? Some bells maybe, a whistle… big red lettering, bold font, SOMETHING. LIKE THIS IS THE EMAIL THAT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! something. I havn’t yet had a life altering experience that can top this one, I don’t think I ever will. I never expected it to keep on going like it is. The meeting is just the beginning, the absolute just the beginning. I almost think its the easy part. After all, you really can meet anyone. Its forming that relationship that’s difficult. I kept thinking that everything would eventually get straightened out in my head, it didn’t. Sometimes I still don’t know what I am doing. Sometimes I still wake up and think, I know who my mother is. I finally KNOW who that woman, the woman who gave me life, is. LIFE ALTERING!!!! Sometimes I look back and I try to remember what life was like before I met her, and I am having trouble. It was just a few months ago, but it seems like forever. Sometimes I am terrified, and sometimes I am so happy I could do a dance in the grocery store and not care who sees me. Sometimes I just keep thinking, its about time, its about time something went right in my life!

 

Excited January 29, 2007

Filed under: Adoption,Uncategorized — Jessie @ 6:33 pm

YAY!!! I am soo excited ūüôā Ok… I suppose I shall explain my excitement. Meemo is taking me to the casino in Niagara Falls in One week and six days… yay. I have never been to a casino, and I have never been outside of our little city with Meemo. I am just so excited to be doing something so cool with her! Ok, granted, Niagara falls is like a whole whopping hour and a half from where we live, we are making a saturday trip of it. But its still cool, its still exciting. It still means the world to me. She has taken me a lot of really cool places, on the day we met we went to the paint your own pottery place, and she also took me to a barbeque resturant in the city that I hadn’t been to but had been wanting to, Dinosaur barbeque, we are also suppose to, at some point, go to this really cool little Italian resturant in the city as well.
I kinda wondered when it would be that we would actually go somewhere together. She goes camping a lot (in the summer) so I kinda figured that it would be some random camping trip. I never really expected a… I am getting my taxes back and we can go to the casino, next week! YAY ūüôā She’s so awesome!
I got my bracelet fixed last night, very excited about that as well. She made me new glass beads that have two colors instead of one, they are so pretty, I will post a picture. I missed it in an odd sort of way. She also put together a really pretty necklace out of the old beads, a new bead that she made specificly for a necklace, and a few handmade(not by her) glass beads that she had. Its really pretty, but at the moment unwearable, so I hung it from my rearview mirror.
I am going, this weekend, to see Lord of the Dance with my mom. I am excited to see it, I like all that irish dancing stuff. I am nervous to see my mom, well not nervous per say, I just havn’t seen her since christmas. I am sure she is feeling lost, I know I am her daughter, and I don’t really want to lose my mom. I just feel iffy about her sometimes now. Meemo decided that the two of them should probably meet, just to get the unknown out of the air. I am going to see how this weekend goes, I really hope that it goes well and we can talk. I have always been one that likes to talk things through, I just find myself scared to talk to her. I don’t want her to be hurt, but I am sure she is feeling something. She isn’t stupid, I am sure that she noticed the withdraw of me that just happened to coincide with meeting Meemo. I guess I just don’t know what to do, I don’t know how to approch this, if I should just act like everything is normal with her and have a good time, or if I should talk to her. I suppose I will just wait and react to the situation however it comes. Ahhh, again, I wish there were some kind of manual for this.

 

Getting my Bracelet fixed, yay! January 28, 2007

Filed under: Adoption,Adoption reunion,Uncategorized — Jessie @ 1:58 pm

Ahh sunday.¬† Sunday is a good day too.¬† Sunday, in a lot of ways, is almost better than friday.¬† Because on sunday I really don’t have to do anything.¬†

However, on Sunday, I also begin to feel the dread of what I am not doing.  My homework, my messy apartment, just getting things done in general.  I have found, with my busy schedule, that I do not want to make time to do the things that I need to do. 

No, I am going to take this back, because in all reality it is more my laziness that leads to me not doing the things I need¬†to do.¬†¬† Like cleaning for instance.¬† I am absolutely horrid at cleaning.¬† I hate to do it, I am no good at it, and normally just let it all build up until I can’t stand it any more and spend an hour or so just making it presentable to myself again.¬† I know that this is no good way to live.¬† However, I live all by myself and no one has to see or deal with it besides me and Bun and Cuppy.¬† And they don’t seem to care much.¬† I am not disgusting by any means, just lacking in the cleaning department a bit.¬†

So today is sunday, its about 130 and I have still yet to accomplish anything but eat half a loaf of garlic bread (oops).  I have a list of should be doings but all I really want to be doing is wishing the few hours away that remain between now and when I see Meemo.   I am getting my bracelet that she made me for christmas fixed finally.  It broke again due to the beads being too sharp and it has been too cold to make new ones (she made little glass beads to put on it).  So my new beads are made and today is the day I get to get my bracelet back. 

I love the bracelet she made me, its a charm bracelet, with three hearts to signify that my heart was born under her heart and in my mothers heart.  I loved it, and I am really sentimental so it almost feels like carrying a little piece of love around with me.  I felt a little bare without it, and am excited to get it back. 

I am still almost nervous about seeing her.  I have this little butterfly that refuses to give up fluttering in my stomach every time I know I am going to see her.  I guess its my inner fear that I am just going to f%#@ something up.  This little butterfly normally goes away as soon as I walk in her door, but regardless, its still there beforehand.  I often wonder how long, and if ever, its going to take for that to go away.  I hate being such a weird personality. 

Our relationship is just weird, some days I don’t know how to figure her out.¬† Sometimes I think she is like this strong brick wall that nothing can shake, and others I see that she has her issues, same as me.¬† Someone should write a book on what to do with all the mixed and scary feeling you have when you reunite with your bio parents.¬† I suppose that would be impossible because there are so many different stories, so many different people and so many different situations.¬†¬† Its just so weird, and I suppose difficult for anyone who has never been through an adoption to understand.¬†¬†

 

Meemo January 27, 2007

Filed under: Adoptee,Adoption,Adoption reunion — Jessie @ 3:57 pm

Alright, I know I said earlier that I was calling my biomom Aimee, her name is actually Amy, and I actually call her Meemo.¬† Don’t ask me where I got it, it just kinda came one day.¬† I don’t know how to explain it, but I needed something to call her besides Amy, she was after all the woman who gave birth to me.¬† The stranger with the same face as me, Amy was just too impersonal, so I came up with Meemo.¬† I didn’t want to put it on here, because I wasn’t sure if I wanted her to find my blog.¬† I had found hers on accident, and she had said some things about me that were honest, but weren’t quite the nicest.¬† So she closed hers and insisted I open mine.¬† She told me to make it so that she couldn’t find it, but thanks to Kim and her links, she did anyway.¬† I am perfectly fine with this, and had decided already that I was perfectly fine with this.¬† So¬†Meemo it shall now be.¬†¬†

I suppose I shall tell my version of the story of how we met, even though some of you may know it anyway from her old blog. 

It happened faster than a speeding bullet(alright so I am a little dramatic).¬† I have said the timing was perfect, and it really, really was.¬† I was ready, really ready ON the day that I got my first email from her.¬† (thanks Kim, for badgering her to try to find me).¬†¬†¬† It was wonderful, amazing, just to know her name.¬† Just to know enough about her personality to know that she was so much like me.¬†¬† It was validating just to know that I wasn’t a freak of nature after all, just, as she calls it, a freak of her.¬† I called her on the phone the next day, and we talked.¬† One of the biggest question I had was ‘what am I’ meaning, Italian, French Canadien, alien, what.¬† This is something that I didn’t know.¬† And for all those who do know, it probably just seems second nature and not a big deal, but for those of us who don’t… we dread the question, so what nationality are you?¬† I think that was the first question I asked her.¬†¬†

We met four days after that, on Sept. 16th.¬† We met in a little resturant in the town that she lives in, its so weird, I read all these stories about the distances that must be travelled to meet each other, and how long it took.¬† We live in neighboring towns, her house is 15 mins from mine.¬†¬† It took us forever to figure out what we wanted to eat, because I think both of us were just in shock that after all these years, we were sitting next to each other, and we LIKED each other.¬†¬† Afterwards she took me to a paint your own pottery place, totally awesome!¬† I painted a fairy, as I love fairies.¬† I named her Marie, after Meemo’s middle name, and the middle name she gave me at birth.¬†¬† It was the best day of my life, and I think I will remember it as so forever.¬†¬† I met her son’s and her boyfriend the next week, and we all got along fine.¬† It was all just still amazing to me.¬†

We still get along amazing, sometimes I think its almost like being in a marriage, once you get past the first ‘honeymoon’ period you start to get into the groove of things, and it isn’t always perfect.¬† However, I still think it could have gone a million different way’s and am totally happy with the way it did go.¬† Nothing in my life has ever gone so well, or been so perfectly what I needed!¬†

 

Friday January 26, 2007

Filed under: Adoptee,Adoption,Adoption reunion,Family — Jessie @ 8:42 pm

Ahhh friday.¬† Friday is my favorite day!¬† I don’t have to ‘do’ anything on a Friday (well alright I have to work.)¬† But I know, that once I get out of work, for a few peaceful hours anyway, I don’t have to do anything.¬† And that is wonderful.¬†

I am beginning to despise my insano schedule.¬† I really do have an insano schedule.¬† I work forty hours a week in a daycare, with little children.¬† Little little children.¬† I work with three year olds in the mornings, and then with my babies in the afternoons.¬† I love kids, sometimes I don’t love my job.¬† I work from about 8 to 5 Monday through Friday.¬† Normal, ok.¬† Well I also go to school full time, I go to night classes on monday, wednesday and thursday from 530 to 830.¬† I live a half an hour from school so I don’t get home until 9 pm.¬† I go to therapy on tuesdays, and I have a saturday class from 9 to 1230.¬† I babysit 9 out of 10 weekends.¬† And I am an adoptee in reunion.¬† AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Its just a lot to do, and somewhere in all this, I am supposed to fit in my family.  My afamily I am going to call them now, because I really have two, my afamily (adopted) and my bfamily (bio).   My parents are divorced, my mom has a fiance that she is having trouble with, and my dad traded her in five years ago for a newer model and went on to have biological children of his own.  hmmmmm.   I now have a baby half abrother (1) a little half asister (3) two stepsisters (6 and 10) a whole asister (20) and two bbrothers (17 and 20).   Do they have some manual on how to handle this?  Within a span of five years, when I was 19 to 24 I went from having one sibling to having seven, YIKES!  Christmas was interesting let me tell ya. 

I don’t have much free time, and I am still new in this whole reunion thing.¬† I find myself wanting to spend a lot of time with Meemo.¬† Really a lot of time means once a week, as that is all I really have time for (and all she probably has the¬†patience¬†for).¬† We talk everyday, and I am totally ok with this.¬† But somewhere along the line, I almost forgot that I have an afamily I still have to care for.¬† Is it wrong that sometimes I don’t want to?¬† I havn’t seen or talked to my mother since Christmas, and I don’t really have a problem with this.¬† Unfortunately, she does.

My mother is feeling replaced, I guess I can understand this, but I just don’t know how to get her to understand that I really AM busy!¬† My mother and I have had a strained relationship at best throughout my life.¬† And now that I found¬†Meemo I find it even more difficult to really try and make time to talk to her.¬† Since no doubt, when we are together, we fight about something, which will no doubt be all my fault even if it isn’t.¬† I have spent a lot of years wishing things had been different with my mother, but the fact is they just weren’t.¬† Now I feel even less connected with her.¬†¬† I am frustrated because sometimes I just wish there were an extra day in the week, even if it were just once a month, so I could spend time with my afamily.¬† Really so they would get off my case about NOT spending time with them.¬† I love them, I do.¬† But I find it difficult to give up the precious moments I have with Meemo¬†so I can go over there and either A. listen to my mom complain or B. sit in my dads living room and watch him fall asleep in front of the TV.¬†

I just wish I had a life, besides work, school and being an adoptee. 

 

Love January 25, 2007

Filed under: Adoption — Jessie @ 9:28 pm

I love you, its such a strong string of words.  I love you. 

I heard it a million times in my life, from my parents, from my family.¬† It never really seemed full of meaning to me.¬† My mother and I fought constantly, then, just as I was completely and utterly wishing and hoping that she would just somehow disappear off the face of the planet, she would throw in an I love you, and expect one back.¬† Unfortunately after listening to her scream at me for a few hours, I wasn’t really in any mood to say or hear I love yous.¬† Which generally got me a few more minutes of screaming because I wouldn’t say it.¬†¬† So for a long time, the words I love you really sort of lost there meaning.¬†¬† I didn’t feel loved all the time, and I didn’t really love a lot of people who I had to say it to.¬† It became this thorn really.¬† I waited and hoped for someone who would really love me for me, and not because I was their daughter and wished I would be someone else, but love me anyway.¬† I hope this makes sense.¬†¬†

I had a few instances with people in life, I have issues connecting, but when I do I connect hard.  I had instances with people, teachers, therapists, camp counclers and others, who I would wish would love me.  But were really in no place to, much less to say the words.  I felt like I needed to hear the words in order to actually feel that they did love me. 

I met Meemo, and well, I kinda wondered if the words would ever come.¬† On the very first meeting, she said that she already felt like she almost loved me, score one for the home team.¬† That was it however.¬† And me, I can totally understand this.¬† I mean who am I to come in and expect this woman, who has a life and children of her own, to accept and love me.¬†¬†¬† I did tell her I loved her, this being about a month after we met, and I know I came on too strong, and I know I had high hopes.¬† But hey, I had hopes.¬† I got an I care about you deeply.¬† Ok, score two for the home team, at least she isn’t going anywhere.¬†

I learned, slowly, how to get my I love you from places that weren’t words.¬† From actions.¬† I have never had actions, only words, so this was a little backwards for me.¬† It took a bit of getting used to, but I found that I had the confidence in myself to take it as what it was, and not need the spoken words to understand it.¬† Another huge breakthrough in the phsyce of me.¬† I wondered if I would ever get the spoken words and discovered that I really didn’t need them.

I got my I love you, at the least expected moment.¬† I wouldn’t say we were in our first fight, but we were in our first emotionally heated discussion on feelings and how we really felt about each other, and how things turned out.¬† I was scared S%$tless to have this conversation with her because I was unsure of how it was going to play out.¬† I was afraid that in all of my efforts of just trying to be me, and no one else but me, I had scared her away.¬† Turned out I was wrong.¬†¬† She told me she loved me, and that she will always love me, no matter what.¬† I think this is the first time in my life that I have ever really had that unconditional love.¬†¬† That, I love you for you, not I love you even though you are you.¬† I guess I never really realized what a difference that makes.¬†

 

Family January 24, 2007

Filed under: Adoptee,Adoption,Adoption reunion — Jessie @ 9:52 pm

hmm, what do I say.¬†¬† I guess I just am surprisingly happy to have a place to put my feelings, even if they are just kinda going nowhere.¬† I don’t always think or speak in a way that makes sense to many, so if my blogs come out this way, I will apologize ahead of time.

I have this amazing relationship with my bio mom, who I will call Meemo, my Meemo. ¬† We are so much alike in so many ways its almost kinda scary, her family accepted me in a way I never really thought possible.¬† Almost like they were just like ‘oh, look, you’re back’.¬† They are very creative, like me, and they all made me Christmas presents this year, despite the fact that I have only been in their ‘family’ for a few months.¬†

‘family’ is such a broad term.¬† After all, really, it can mean so many different things.¬†¬† I have had a family my whole life, a family that I was completely unrelated to in the biological sense, and it showed.¬†¬† They always wanted me to be more a part of them, but I always felt that I just wasn’t the family type.¬† I was never social, I never wanted to be social and be part of the group.¬† I would much rather have just spent my time alone.¬† My parents could never figure that out, couldn’t understand why I would rather hole up in my room instead of be social.¬† It just added to the list of things I did that they never understood.¬†

I wanted so despiratly to be a part of a family that I felt I fit in, but never really imagined that I would ever have it.  I guess I never really thought about the fact that somewhere out there, I had a biological family too. 

subject change

When I met Meemo, things were interesting.  I am the type who immediately attaches to people that I feel a connection to.  The connection thing happens extremely rarely, so when it does, I tend to hold on for dear life.  Aimee on the other hand, for all our similarities, does not.  She was not ready for a daughter, she was ready to meet me, ready to know where I was, and what I was doing, but she was not ready for someone who needed her.  I needed her.  It took us a while to get into the swing of things, and to be honest, I am sure its going to take a while longer.  It is quite amazing how much you can accomplish in a relationship in just a few months. 

back to original

The day¬†Meemo announced to me that I was going to meet her family for the first time, I was incredibly nervous, she has three sisters and a brother (was two but the other died), and her mother.¬† Her father died when she was only 14.¬† I was scared, I voiced this fear to her, this fear because it wasn’t just meeting a random group of people.¬† It was meeting the people who are biologically related to me, the people who are actually my family.¬† She answered with ‘well they really aren’t your family, you already have a family’¬† I don’t think she ever realized how much this was a blow, but I took it in stride and went along with it.¬† I met them in the beginning of October, in the beginnings of our relationship when¬†Meemo was still really unconnected to me.¬† I was nervous what they would think, nervous what she would feel, of course being the armed fortress that she is, she showed no feeling at all really, just a normal day in the neighborhood.¬†

Her family accepted me immediately, they didn’t even know I was coming, but took it amazingly well, like I said, sorta like ‘oh, your back, great!’¬† Her mother immediately said ‘wow, you look like your mom’¬† another huge emotional moment for me, as no one yet had ever really referred to her as my ‘mom’.¬†¬†Meemo and I had discussed it, well really just touched on it, and decided that I already had a mom, and didn’t need another one.¬† It was cool, and really good for me, to hear someone else refer to her as that.¬† As in all reality, she is no less my mother than a giraffe is a giraffe.¬† I felt like I fit, I felt comfortable, and for the first time in my life, I felt ok with a group of people that called themselves a family and didn’t want to disappear to my room somewhere.¬†¬† I also got to see where¬†Meemo lived, hear her descriptions of sneaking out at night to meet my bio dad and for all of us to see, really, how I was going to fit in here.¬† I felt a little more connected with her that day, and more secure.¬† She must have liked me to want me to meet the family!¬†