A moment in a thought

My thoughts, in my life, of adoption and other such things

Just thoughts January 24, 2007

Filed under: Adoptee,Adoption,Adoption reunion — Jessie @ 3:03 am

So, alright, I am new to this whole blogging thing.   I am here, because well Im adopted, I don’t know many adoptee’s who don’t have some kind of issue because of it, I am no exception to the rule.

I was adopted pretty much at birth by a family who despiratly wanted to have children, but couldn’t have any.  I always knew that my biological mother was too young to keep me, but I never knew her story.  Mine was a closed adoption, I had no contact, and no information whatsoever about my biological family. 

My parents loved me well enough, but I just never ‘fit’ into my family.  I was different, an outcast.  My mother always wanted to mold me into what her imagined perfect child would be.  Unfortunately that perfect child would NEVER be me.  I had a difficult time, I had ADD, I wasn’t the easy child.  I grew up blaming myself for this. 

I knew I was adopted all my life, I was convinced it never bothered me until I got into therapy a few years back.  Through discovery I realized that it bothered me more than I ever believed.   I always had issues with identity, and I wanted desperately to know where I came from, and who my biological mother was.  However, I was terrified, afraid that I would just find out that I am nothing but a misfit, nothing but a mistake.  I was afraid, most of all, that I would be a disappointment to her.   I was so afraid that it took me years to even be ready to look for her. 

It was really a moment in my life, a moment when I decided that I was READY, I was finally ready to look for this woman whose blood runs in my veins, and whose genes make me… me.  I was scared, I was nervous, but I was ready.  I got the paperwork I needed to file with the state and I got ready to write.  Meanwhile, I had forgotten completely that I had registered on one of the millions of ‘people finder’ sites.  I had done it on a whim one day, thinking, maybe, whatever ya just never know.  I never really expected anything to come of it, and to be honest, completely forgot about it.  I got all my paperwork ready, decided that I was really going to do it this time, turned on my computer and there was an email.   An email that said you don’t know me, my name is Amy and I am your biological mother.  Can I tell you it took me hours to get past that first sentence!  I have never been the spiritual type, but at that moment, I knew there was something, fate, God, something, helping us along.   It was amazing, that was Sept. 11 2006 (just coincidence on that).  We hit it off imediatly and we met for the first (well second) time on September 16th.  

Every doubt I had for myself (well maybe not every) was deleted the day I looked into a strangers face and saw myself.  She looked exactly like me.  Her personality was just like me, she was amazing.  For the first time in my entire life, I finally felt like I fit somewhere.  I couldn’t believe how perfect it was, how absolutly amazing, and how refreshing it was for me.   Not only that, but how easy it was.  Nothing in my life has ever gone well, why should this?? 

I have since discovered that perfection has a price.  The emotion toll of meeting and making a relationship with someone as important as this is unbelievable.  I couldn’t go back, not even for a second, and wouldn’t want to.  But when they say one moment can change your entire life, they mean it.  Since our meeting four months ago I have been on an emotional roller coaster ride, an amazing one at that, but how long can you really stay on a roller coaster.  I love her, I absolutely love her!  The emotions are just overwhelming.

So I am starting this blog… at the insistance of the woman in question, after I found hers (oops!) one of the downs on that roller coaster (but it brought us up, and much closer together, amazing how that works)


3 Responses to “Just thoughts”

  1. reunionwritings Says:

    I think I got you confused with another blog that looks like yours, I added you to my links, come and read all the other adoptees on my links, there are some really nice people there.

  2. Thanks! Yeah, I havn’t ever blogged before, I am here at the insintance of aimee who claims that it is amazing, And, well I have to say I agree with her! I can’t believe anyone reads what I write, much less responds 🙂 Thanks so much!

  3. Rebecca Says:

    So glad you are blogging. You are the first other adoptee blogger that I have felt that I have a lot in common with. Thanks for being here, Rebecca

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