A moment in a thought

My thoughts, in my life, of adoption and other such things

Love January 25, 2007

Filed under: Adoption — Jessie @ 9:28 pm

I love you, its such a strong string of words.  I love you. 

I heard it a million times in my life, from my parents, from my family.  It never really seemed full of meaning to me.  My mother and I fought constantly, then, just as I was completely and utterly wishing and hoping that she would just somehow disappear off the face of the planet, she would throw in an I love you, and expect one back.  Unfortunately after listening to her scream at me for a few hours, I wasn’t really in any mood to say or hear I love yous.  Which generally got me a few more minutes of screaming because I wouldn’t say it.   So for a long time, the words I love you really sort of lost there meaning.   I didn’t feel loved all the time, and I didn’t really love a lot of people who I had to say it to.  It became this thorn really.  I waited and hoped for someone who would really love me for me, and not because I was their daughter and wished I would be someone else, but love me anyway.  I hope this makes sense.  

I had a few instances with people in life, I have issues connecting, but when I do I connect hard.  I had instances with people, teachers, therapists, camp counclers and others, who I would wish would love me.  But were really in no place to, much less to say the words.  I felt like I needed to hear the words in order to actually feel that they did love me. 

I met Meemo, and well, I kinda wondered if the words would ever come.  On the very first meeting, she said that she already felt like she almost loved me, score one for the home team.  That was it however.  And me, I can totally understand this.  I mean who am I to come in and expect this woman, who has a life and children of her own, to accept and love me.    I did tell her I loved her, this being about a month after we met, and I know I came on too strong, and I know I had high hopes.  But hey, I had hopes.  I got an I care about you deeply.  Ok, score two for the home team, at least she isn’t going anywhere. 

I learned, slowly, how to get my I love you from places that weren’t words.  From actions.  I have never had actions, only words, so this was a little backwards for me.  It took a bit of getting used to, but I found that I had the confidence in myself to take it as what it was, and not need the spoken words to understand it.  Another huge breakthrough in the phsyce of me.  I wondered if I would ever get the spoken words and discovered that I really didn’t need them.

I got my I love you, at the least expected moment.  I wouldn’t say we were in our first fight, but we were in our first emotionally heated discussion on feelings and how we really felt about each other, and how things turned out.  I was scared S%$tless to have this conversation with her because I was unsure of how it was going to play out.  I was afraid that in all of my efforts of just trying to be me, and no one else but me, I had scared her away.  Turned out I was wrong.   She told me she loved me, and that she will always love me, no matter what.  I think this is the first time in my life that I have ever really had that unconditional love.   That, I love you for you, not I love you even though you are you.  I guess I never really realized what a difference that makes. 

 

One Response to “Love”

  1. Rebecca Says:

    I have had a similar conversation with my firstmom. It’s an indescribable feeling to know she won’t leave you again, isn’t it?


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