A moment in a thought

My thoughts, in my life, of adoption and other such things

Silver Linings February 18, 2007

Filed under: Adoptee,Adoption,Adoption reunion — Jessie @ 9:54 pm

This blog entry is so long overdue…. and has actually been started quite a few times, but never finished.  Due to the nature of what is going on in my head and the fact that Meemo reads this.  It is ok… I talked to her. 

So yes, if anyone has read Meemo’s blog they know that Meemo, my sister and I all went to see a movie together.  I have been wanting my sister to meet her for a long, long time.  However, our schedules are both very full, and I knew it would be difficult for Stacey.  Stacey will never have the opportunity to meet her biological family, she will never have the opportunity to know what I know about myself now.  I have always felt really sad for her about that, and even more so now that I have met my family.  They got on great, I was nervous at first, but it turned out my fears were unfounded.  My sister adored her, and Meemo adored my sister back… they even had a little one to one chat the outcome of thatis best described by Meemo… so click on the link on her name, and you will see… 

I have found this blog hard to write for a number of reasons.  The biggest being that I almost feel bad for having the feelings that I do.  I feel like everything is going well, why should I be so depressed, why should I feel so angry.  I should be busy feeling happy, and I do a lot of the time.  But the truth is, this whole thing is so much harder than I ever could have imagined. 

When I spoke to Meemo about it, I said I will begin at the beginning and end at the end, for that is all I really know how to do at this point.  And I guess the beginning is that this sucks…

Adoption sucks.

There I said it.  I almost feel better already.  I guess the biggest suckiness of this whole thing is realizing that I am a screw up, a product of nothing more than an oh sh%t… I am pregnant.  And because of that, I got to be raised by people who are no more biologically related to me than the neighbor down the street, or the old guy that lives next door.  People that I fit in with about as well as a round peg in a square hole… or a freaking trapezoid peg in a square hole for that matter.  DONT get me wrong… I am not angry, or even upset that Meemo made the choice she made.  At seventeen years old, there aren’t many choices, and I much prefer being adopted to the other A word… at least I got the chance.  At least I am alive, and here, and able to write this blog.  I thank her in my mind every single day for that.  She gave me the best option that she had… who’s to say what the right option is.  I understand why she didn’t keep me… doesn’t make it suck any less.

I never defined myself growing up as an adoptee… yes I was adopted, but that didn’t really make up a big part of who I was.  My parents were my parents and that was that.  I loved them, and they loved me, we’re a happy family N O T! 

I had a lot of things growing up that many other children would have given a lung for.  Trips to Disney World, a mountain of presents for my birthday and Christmas, a swimming pool, a hot tub, a trampoline, a playhouse all in my own back yard.  I skied every weekend from when I was two years old, right up until my parents divorce when I was 20.  Had all the best ski gear, even went to Colorado to go ski.  I was a girl scout, I was involved in sports.  My parents were willing to do whatever it takes to do what they thought would make me happy.  They showered me with love… but only not the kind that doesn’t look past a mistake or two, or a hundred.   Unfortunately, I wasn’t THEIR child.  I wasn’t athletically inclined… I didn’t have what it took to be a good skier, or swimmer, or girl scout, or runner, or baseball player.  I wasn’t going to be a dancer either, or an actress.  I wasn’t going to be a famous artist.  I wasn’t going to be anything that they thought they could mold me to be.  I wasn’t going to be good at school, I wasn’t going to be polite and use my manners, I wasn’t going to be any of those things.  All I could be, was me.  And somewhere, somewhere in all of that expectation, in all of that hope that I would be the child they wanted me to be, I was lost.  

When my parents adopted a child, they were counting on nurture beating out nature… they were counting on the fact that they could take a child that was completely unrelated to them, and make it into THEIR child.  My mother thought if she tried hard enough, her daughter would get good grades, my father thought that if he tried hard enough, his daughter would be good at sports.  I was neither…  I was an ADD child, an ungraceful ADD child who was not going to be any good at sports.  I was never destined to be great, I was only destined to be me.  Unfortunately, that me, was just never good enough for them.  The why can’t you be more like___ and the If you put half the effort into your school work as you did to moping around.  I got a lot of those. 

I know that all of these things are not necessarily a product of being adopted, I know that a lot of children go through this.  However, being adopted didn’t help.  Being adopted only added to the fact that I was a trapeziod peg in a square hole. 

When I met Meemo… I discovered I wasn’t the only trapezoid in the world.  When I met her and her family, I realized that all along, there was a trapezoid hole that my trapezoid peg would fit into.  When I went to the Casino with her, I realized that I really did belong somewhere… and unfortunately, I spent the first 24 years of my life completely lost to where that was.  And I discovered that I really was angry.  Angry that I had to be that peg, the one that didn’t fit.  Angry that I wasn’t one of those people that could turn my peg from a trapezoid to a square so that it would fit.  Angry at my parents because they didn’t see me for me, they only wanted the child they wanted, and I just wasn’t it.  Angry that all along, I really wasn’t so bad, I just didn’t know it.  I am angry because this isn’t how life was supposed to have been.  

However, it is how life was, absolutely nothing can change that.  What I can change is now.  I wish I could say I don’t waste time on these emotions, but unfortunately, I think just to get through this, I am going to have to.  I deal with them, one step at a time.  There is one thing that I am not angry about.  I am not angry about the relationship that my Meemo and I have now.  I am a little upset that it has to be formed now, instead of when I was an infant, however, I do not believe for one second that the relationship we have now is the same thing that would have formed had she been the one to raise me.  It would have been so different.  Sometimes I wonder if because we are so alike, if we would have liked each other much growing up.   I don’t know, these are questions whose answers I do not have.  What I have is now… What I have is an amazing relationship with an amazing woman who just happens to be my biological mother.  For as much as I wish I could change the way life went, I wonder how much I would really want to change that.  I don’t think I would know her as the woman that I know now… and I don’t think she would know me as the woman that I am now. 

I guess the whole point of this, is that there are silver linings to every storm cloud.  For every nasty emotion I feel, there is an overpowering happy one.  For every wish I have, another has been granted.  I not only found my mother, but I found a friend… as corny as it sounds, its the truth.  Sometimes I wonder if I would even want to give that up.  After all, the last 24 years of my life are gone, over, what I have is the present.  And surprisingly enough, I think I am ok with that. 


9 Responses to “Silver Linings”

  1. Chez Says:

    What a great and powerful post Jessie.
    I’m so very very happy that you’ve at last found the ‘right fit’ and that you’ve been reunited with your Meemo!!
    It certainly puts another tick into the ‘Nature’ box (re: Nature V Nurture)
    You are not alone with your feelings Jessie – I’m standing here waving – yelling “I know EXACTLY how you’re feeling” – in regards to not fitting.
    You now fit beautifully gorgeous girl.
    Big hugs, C. xxx

  2. joy Says:

    OH Jessie I know.

    I spent the first part of my life thinking I wasn’t trying hard enough, that if I could just try harder I would be like my afamily, it was flooring to find out, there was a whole tribe of people as off-beat as I felt.

    Take your time and be gentle with yourself.

  3. Elizabeth Says:

    Hugs to you Jessie. Adoption and reunion are certainly not for the faint of heart. I echo what Joy said, be gentle with yourself.

  4. mom2one Says:

    Thank you for sharing this. Very strong indeed.

  5. Jessie Says:

    Thank you… sooo much. I cannot say how nice it is to know that I am NOT the only one feeling things like this! I know it sounds silly, but I really didn’t think my feelings about not fitting were right for the longest time.
    It truly is amazing.
    Thank you Chez, and Joy, for letting me know I am not the only Adoptee to feel this way!

  6. Some other Jessica Says:

    I’m happy you found your trapezoid hole. What’s that line from the jungle book? “We are of one blood, you and I”. Or something like that. It’s powerful. More powerful than many people want to admit.

    Oh, and this was a really amazing post, much to ponder. Thanks!

  7. Julie Says:

    Jessie, you are definitely NOT the only one. You wrote about the not-fitting-in so VERY well, I hope you keep writing. I know how hard it is to deal with all that you’re feeling right now. I do. I wish I had gone through it at your age instead of starting in my middle forties. As dark as it will get, trust that you will come out the other side as a fully-dimensional, more peaceful and “together” human being. You will.

  8. kim.kim Says:

    I would imagine feelings like this would be very normal after what you describe. I don’t think everyone has that but a lot and I mean A LOT of adopted people do. I also think you worded it so clearly that it will validate others who share those feelings and help people like me to understand on a deeper level.

    It takes a lot of power to be emotionally honest, I respect and value that.

  9. Rebecca Says:

    *sniff sniff* This post made me cry. I share a lot in common with you, but the best things is this “What I have is an amazing relationship with an amazing woman who just happens to be my biological mother. ” Love this post, Rebecca

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