A moment in a thought

My thoughts, in my life, of adoption and other such things

Liberation! February 23, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jessie @ 9:53 am

Yesterday, I spent entirely too much money. 

Yes, what a way to begin a post. 

Let me begin to tell you that I am a poor college kid.  I live on my own, I make next to nothing, and I make it work.  I don’t buy a lot of frivolous things… I have one pair of sneakers, went through all the stores in the mall until I found a nice pair for under $20.   I am a great shopper, I have many things that should have cost me much more.  I have walked into work many a time with a nice new outfit, only to explain that the whole thing cost me like $20…. In general, I am a tightwad. 

I have to be… I make next to nothing.

Every once in a while, I want something.  I want it, and I buy it… not really concerned about the cost.  Is this so wrong??  This wanting things, mostly comes in the form of technology.  Yes, I wanted a specific cell phone, and yes, I bought it.  Yes it was expensive, but its really cool… wanna try it out?

About a year ago, I found myself in a situation with school where I needed to take online classes.  Therefore, I needed a computer.  I walked into the store, and without barely batting an eyelash, I bought a laptop that was worth more than my car (my car is a piece of crap btw… so it wasn’t a huge as you might imagine).  Me the girl who wont spend more than 10$ on a shirt… bought a computer than cost more than my car is worth.  Hmmmm.  

I wanted a digital camera… so I bought one. 

My newest endeavor… I wanted to be able to get online, wherever I wanted to get online.  Of course my computer has integrated wireless… but… that only works if there is WiFi around.  And lets face it, there really isn’t always that option. 

I am an Internet junkie… I will admit it.  Before I had my laptop, I barely went online at all.  I had a few choices, I could go to my mom or my dads… both who have crappy computers and dial up… and sit around and wait for that to work.  I could go to the library, or I could go to one of the little Internet cafes in the little town I live in.  For Internet, those were my options.  When I went to school, I was able to get online at school.  It was nice, I started to discover the true joy’s of the Internet.  When I got my laptop… it was all downhill from there.  I used to read about four to six books a week… that was down to about one.  I used to spend a lot of time cuddling with my cat, he learned how to adjust himself around the computer.  I got a wireless hub, and my broadband Internet… I was totally stoked.  Then I met my Meemo… and well that Internet fetish turned me into an Internet junkie.  My computer is the first thing I turn on in the morning, the first thing I turn on when I walk in the door at night.  It comes with me when I go babysitting… in hopes for an unsecured wireless network nearby.  It goes with me to work… where, alas, there is no nearby wireless.   This is how my Meemo and I communicate… via email… every day.  Plus I just love being online.

So… I decided that I was tired of fighting with wireless networks babysitting.  I was tired of sneaking on the computer at work (I got caught, this is what started this whole thing)  I was tired of going over to my moms or dads and not being able to get online.  I decided that I wanted a wwan…. wwan means world wide area network.   I can get online now, wherever I go (well, as Meemo pointed out to me, wherever there is cell phone reception, it runs off the cell towers).  I can go to Chicago, or NYC or Pittsburgh or New Jersey.  Or my moms house and my dads house and work and babysitting.  And in one touch of a button, I can get online.   Its one of the coolest things I have ever done.

Do I feel guilty… yes, increadably.  From the girl who won’t spend more than $10 on a shirt, yes I feel increadably guilty.  Do I need it, no, I really don’t.  I wanted it.  I feel like, through all the crap and hard times I have to go through, for everything in life that sucks,  there has to be something a long the way that makes it worth it.  After all, why else should we be here?  I am responsible, I am good with money, so what if I spend way to damn much for Internet.  Thats ok… right? 

I sort of feel this tiny little epiphany going on in my head.  I realize, that it is my life, my choices that I make that makes up who and what I am.  There is absolutly no one who is going to sit there and say, Jessie, no you can’t do that.  Jessie, no you aren’t making a wise choice.  I am liberating myself from my parents and attitudes about the choices I make.  I am liberating myself from boundaries.  I am liberating myself from even myself.   I am saying, I am worth it!  I am getting rid of all the what if’s, and instead changing it to I can.  Ok, so maybe not all the what if’s… maybe just one.  But everyone needs a start. 

Its my incentive to quit smoking… alright so I havn’t actually quit yet, but I am going to now!


5 Responses to “Liberation!”

  1. Amy Says:

    Heh, I like the way you almost blamed it on me. You forgot to mention my first reaction. “Take it back” I was still in the dark ages where it cost a dollar a minute or something like that.

  2. Nancy Says:

    Hey, you’ve got it figured out- be a tightwad in the areas where it doesn’t matter so that you’ve got the cash to spend where it does! And congrats on the committment to quit smoking! Be sure to buy yourself a reward with the $$ you save!

  3. Possum Says:

    Good luck on quitting the smokes Jessie – you can do it.
    And Nancy is right – better to spend the money on things that really matter to you – and be a tightwad everywhere else!!
    Hugs, Poss. xx

  4. Julie Says:

    “I am liberating myself from my parents and attitudes about the choices I make. I am liberating myself from boundaries. I am liberating myself from even myself. I am saying, I am worth it!”

    You GO girl!!!! Definitely what we all need to do.

  5. […] vindicated.  I feel like a giant weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  It is almost as if liberating myself to make a small decision also liberated and cleared me to make a larger one.  I discovered […]

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