A moment in a thought

My thoughts, in my life, of adoption and other such things

The turns in the road of life February 25, 2007

Filed under: Adoptee,Adoption,Adoption reunion — Jessie @ 3:42 pm

I have issues…

Whew, I am batting a thousand with these post beginnings here aren’t I.  It however, is true, I have issues.  Yes, I have diagnoses to go along with these issues, the main ones being ADD and BPD (borderline personality disorder).  Along with being spazzy and not being able to pay attention for five seconds, I also have attachment issues…  I didn’t attach to my mother… now I am attached to my mother… yes I do realize this doesn’t make much sense, but if you look at it in the form of I have two mothers, it will. 

I have two mothers, how much more confusing can life be?  One who raised me, and one who gave birth to me.  I know the one who gave birth to me isn’t really my ‘mother’ but in reality, the truth of the matter is, she is.  

I have attachment issues, well I have many issues.  I suppose sometimes the attachment thing really gets to me though.  I don’t attach easily, I don’t bond easily, I don’t share myself, or open my heart up to anyone.  Except for a select few.  All of my life, or at least since I can remember, I had certain people in my life that helped me get through.  It was almost as if it were assigned, I don’t know if I was assigned to them, or if they were assigned to me, I am not really sure how that worked.  Needless to say, it just happened.  I have since grown to call these people my ‘people’, original, I know it, Im making ya gag.  

My people were always older than me, anywhere from 2 to 30 years.  They were my parental figures, my safety net, my everything.  They were not always the same kind of person, but they always had some of the same qualities.  The gentleness, kindness, the will to listen to me.  Some of these people I knew for a short time, but lived with me in memory for much longer, some of them I knew for long periods of time, years even.   I got very, very attached to each one of these people, it always showed to them on the outside, however, I didn’t always show to what extent.  I suppose I would have possibly freaked them out, or scared the sh%t out of them if they knew.   However, most of them had some kind of attachment to me as well.  I could never understand why it was that I was able to bond with these people, but not with my parents.  Why I had to get what I needed from people who were outside myself, but couldn’t get it from the ones I live with. 

It never accorded to me really, that a lot of these issues had to do with the fact that I am adopted.  That the reason that I didn’t bond with the people I lived with was because I was the trapezoid peg in a square hole.  I always knew I didn’t fit well with my parents, but I could never understand why everything was so difficult. 

I guess I am just having a hard time with this whole thing, sometimes its all fine, and others it will hit me like a ton of bricks.  I am fighting an attachment to a person who isn’t a parental figure, but is actually my biological parent.  The problem is, I am not a child anymore, I do not need a mother.  I have a friend.  I feel so many things changing within me, its quite amazing really, how quickly it can happen.  I am fighting the need to hold on as tight as I possibly can, and letting go, because I know, in my heart, that she isn’t going to go anywhere. 

Reunion… reunion brings so many questions to the table, so many emotions up to surface, so many that I didn’t even realize were there.  I have said before that I never defined myself as an adoptee, and its true.  Now…  now I do.  Now I think of myself as an adoptee who was separated at birth from the woman who rightfully should have been the one to raise me.  I understand now where the abandonment fears and the lost identity have come from.  I am just now learning to deal with these things, so that I can let them go.   As I sit here and wish for the millionth time that the person I am was somehow better.  That the person I am was somehow more ready to deal with this.  I feel like I put more stress on Meemo, stress that doesn’t need to be there.   I know she loves me, but I wonder sometimes whether she somehow resents this intrusion into her life.  Somehow resents the fact that I am not as well adjusted as I could be, and not as easy to deal with as she would have imagined me to be. 

The road of life takes many turns… some expected, some not.  Even the ones that we do expect can turn into the unexpected.  I feel like I am on a giant curve.  One that appeared to be a drastic turn and has turned into a drastic curve, one that I have yet to see where it ends, it just keeps going.  Eventually, I would supposed this curve will end, and I will find myself on a new path.  For now, I am just taking the curve, and taking it slow, for who knows where it may lead to. 

 

7 Responses to “The turns in the road of life”

  1. Possum Says:

    All I can say is – Jessie – you’re doing GREAT.
    Remember to breath – remember to just take care of you – and take each day/step as it comes.
    You’ve hit the fastest roller-coaster in the theme park – and suddenly everything seems a little out of control.
    I doubt VERY much that Meemo sees you as an ‘intrusion’ into her life.
    I’d suggest maybe getting some books to look at – regarding adoptees and reunions – to help you see what is going on in your head. It’s knocked you from no-where, especially since you never thought that issues you have may have stemmed from your ‘adoptee’ status. Also read around the adoptee blogs – a wealth of information just there.
    Take things slow – and let things unfold naturally.
    Sending you heaps of hugs gorgeous girl.
    Keep writing also – your voice is a strong one – and needs to be heard.
    Hugs, Poss. xxx

  2. Jessie Says:

    Thanks Poss… Really, I can’t say it enough. Sometimes I am just amazed at how validating it is to know that someone hears me! I am trying so hard to take it slow, and sometimes I fear I just get ahead of myself. Its almost as if I forget she isn’t just going to go away… she is in my life now, and I think I just need to step back and breath.
    Thanks so much again for your support!
    Jessie

  3. Julie Says:

    Hey Jessie – I agree with Possum, you’re doing great (believe it or not)!

  4. joy Says:

    The writing will really help, you may find out you don’t have as many issues as you thought you did, that happened to me. Adoption is so ignored in our culture, that often when it is the culprit they blame something else.

    I echo the sentiments of those above, you are doing great.

  5. Some other Jessica Says:

    What I find admirable about your Meemo’s writing (I don’t know of course if she’s the same way in person) is that she seems to be extremely well grounded in life and who she is, and that makes her able to accept people as THEY are, without stressing out overmuch. Admirable qualities, which I wish I had more of.🙂

    In any case, she sounds quite proud of her daughter, to me.

  6. Jessie Says:

    Julie and Joy… thank you🙂 I am trying, sometimes I do better with this than others. Thanks for the encouraging words.

    Jessica– She is admirable, very admirable. Very well grounded, much moreso than I and I hope that with the years and her guidance I can learn to be more like that as well. My Meemo is very accepting, one of her best qualities, and the best part of it is, when you are with her, you FEEL accepted.
    I hope she is proud of me!

  7. Rebecca Says:

    Jessie, I don’t know if it’ll be true for you but I have found that I fit better into my round family now that I know my square mom who IS JUST LIKE ME! I guess because I identify with her and she meets so many needs that my mom never did, it’s easier for me to have a relationship with my mom because she’s not letting me down as much. That doesn’t make much sense, does it? What I’m trying to say is that my first mom fills in all of the gaps in my life that were left there by my amom. They do a pretty good job of sharing me and I can FINALLY get along with both of them. Best wishes, Rebecca


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