I have issues…
Whew, I am batting a thousand with these post beginnings here aren’t I. It however, is true, I have issues. Yes, I have diagnoses to go along with these issues, the main ones being ADD and BPD (borderline personality disorder). Along with being spazzy and not being able to pay attention for five seconds, I also have attachment issues… I didn’t attach to my mother… now I am attached to my mother… yes I do realize this doesn’t make much sense, but if you look at it in the form of I have two mothers, it will.
I have two mothers, how much more confusing can life be? One who raised me, and one who gave birth to me. I know the one who gave birth to me isn’t really my ‘mother’ but in reality, the truth of the matter is, she is.
I have attachment issues, well I have many issues. I suppose sometimes the attachment thing really gets to me though. I don’t attach easily, I don’t bond easily, I don’t share myself, or open my heart up to anyone. Except for a select few. All of my life, or at least since I can remember, I had certain people in my life that helped me get through. It was almost as if it were assigned, I don’t know if I was assigned to them, or if they were assigned to me, I am not really sure how that worked. Needless to say, it just happened. I have since grown to call these people my ‘people’, original, I know it, Im making ya gag.
My people were always older than me, anywhere from 2 to 30 years. They were my parental figures, my safety net, my everything. They were not always the same kind of person, but they always had some of the same qualities. The gentleness, kindness, the will to listen to me. Some of these people I knew for a short time, but lived with me in memory for much longer, some of them I knew for long periods of time, years even. I got very, very attached to each one of these people, it always showed to them on the outside, however, I didn’t always show to what extent. I suppose I would have possibly freaked them out, or scared the sh%t out of them if they knew. However, most of them had some kind of attachment to me as well. I could never understand why it was that I was able to bond with these people, but not with my parents. Why I had to get what I needed from people who were outside myself, but couldn’t get it from the ones I live with.
It never accorded to me really, that a lot of these issues had to do with the fact that I am adopted. That the reason that I didn’t bond with the people I lived with was because I was the trapezoid peg in a square hole. I always knew I didn’t fit well with my parents, but I could never understand why everything was so difficult.
I guess I am just having a hard time with this whole thing, sometimes its all fine, and others it will hit me like a ton of bricks. I am fighting an attachment to a person who isn’t a parental figure, but is actually my biological parent. The problem is, I am not a child anymore, I do not need a mother. I have a friend. I feel so many things changing within me, its quite amazing really, how quickly it can happen. I am fighting the need to hold on as tight as I possibly can, and letting go, because I know, in my heart, that she isn’t going to go anywhere.
Reunion… reunion brings so many questions to the table, so many emotions up to surface, so many that I didn’t even realize were there. I have said before that I never defined myself as an adoptee, and its true. Now… now I do. Now I think of myself as an adoptee who was separated at birth from the woman who rightfully should have been the one to raise me. I understand now where the abandonment fears and the lost identity have come from. I am just now learning to deal with these things, so that I can let them go. As I sit here and wish for the millionth time that the person I am was somehow better. That the person I am was somehow more ready to deal with this. I feel like I put more stress on Meemo, stress that doesn’t need to be there. I know she loves me, but I wonder sometimes whether she somehow resents this intrusion into her life. Somehow resents the fact that I am not as well adjusted as I could be, and not as easy to deal with as she would have imagined me to be.
The road of life takes many turns… some expected, some not. Even the ones that we do expect can turn into the unexpected. I feel like I am on a giant curve. One that appeared to be a drastic turn and has turned into a drastic curve, one that I have yet to see where it ends, it just keeps going. Eventually, I would supposed this curve will end, and I will find myself on a new path. For now, I am just taking the curve, and taking it slow, for who knows where it may lead to.