Three hundred dollars and I can change my identity…
Ok, so maybe I don’t want to change my identity, just my middle name. And for three hundred dollars, and a whole bunch of hoops, I can do it. I do not like my middle name, I feel this way for a lot of different reasons.
For one, its very common (well so is the one I want to change it to). But there are a very many Jessica Lynn’s. I don’t want to be Jessica Lynn anymore. I want to be Jessica Marie. Maybe it doesn’t flow together as well, maybe it doesn’t sound as nice, but for me, its music to my ears.
I was named after my Aunt Linda, my godmother, and person that I do not care all that much for. She gave birth to a son, my cousin, who did things to me as a child that no child should ever have to go through. Things that screwed me up more than being adopted fifteen times over could ever do. Things that were brushed aside, ignored, even to this day. So yes, I have a little bit of an issue with my name.
I never really considered changing it though, until I got an email that said that I had a name at birth. One that was given to me by the woman who gave birth to me. She named me… Honestly in all the years I had wondered about her, I don’t think I ever wondered if she had given me a name. I always assumed that naming me would be the last thing on her mind. Turns out I was wrong, turns out she did name me. She gave me a full name, with her last name and all. Bethany Marie. I don’t want to be Bethany Marie, I am, after all, Jessie. I have never had too much of a problem with my first name, other than the commonness of it. I will however, always think of myself as Jessie. My middle name however, is an entirely different story. I don’t identify myself by it, I don’t think of myself, and never have thought of myself, as Jessica Lynn, except when I was in trouble. When my middle name came out, I knew I was in for it. What if I had a reason to get rid of the name with so many hurt feeling tied to it. What if, in doing that, I could connect who I am to the baby who was born then. If I could connect my name to the one given to me at birth, and to the woman who gave birth to me and gave me the name to begin with.
Well, for three hundred dollars I could do it. I can think of a lot of better things I can be doing with $300. However… I could think of a lot of reasons why, in the grand scheme of things, $300 is really nothing. Three hundred is more than a weeks worth of pay… lets just call it a week and a half. Am I willing to give up a week and a half of my life to get rid of the name that carries nasty feelings, and instead change it to one that carries good ones? Am I willing to trade a name that I carried with me for 24 years of my life, and trade it for one that I carried for moments? I guess the more I think about it, the more I discover that the answer is yes. Yes, I am willing.
I have begun the process of changing my name.