A moment in a thought

My thoughts, in my life, of adoption and other such things

My 3’s lists March 31, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jessie @ 11:36 pm

I’v Been tagged with a meme by the lovely and charming Aussie Possum

Whatever the hell a meme is….

Ok here goes…

Three Things That Scare Me

  • Heights
  • Very small spaces
  • Total darkness

Three people that make me laugh

  • Meemo
  • My sister
  • Adam

Three Things I Love

  • My family, the whole big lot of them, bio and adoptive
  • My pets, my cat and my bunny
  • My Bubbie and my Owen, two of the boy’s at work that I also babysit for

Three Things I Hate

  • Lies
  • Fakeness
  • Unfair Judgments

Three Things I Don’t Understand

  • My Bunny
  • Physics
  • Why humans are so destructive

Three Things On My Desk (Desk, what desk??  Oh you mean that thing covered in stuff?? There is a desk under there?)

  • A broken toaster
  • Windex
  • My greenhouse scented candle

Three Things I Want To Do Before I Die

  • Have Children
  • Travel the World
  • Set foot in all 50 US states

Three Things I Can Do

  • Balance a spoon on my nose and a book on my head
  • Peel bananas with my feet
  • Wiggle my ears

Three Things I Can’t Do

  • Be organized
  • Sleep sitting up
  • Stand on my head

Three Things I Think You Should Listen To

  • Your Inner Voice
  • Children
  • Music

Three Things You Should Never Listen To

  • Our President (oops did I say that?)
  • Nasty, mean people
  • Whining Children

Three Things I Would Like To Learn (but won’t)

  • Another Language
  • To play piano
  • To dance on pointe (ballet)

Three Shows I Watched As A Kid

  • Rainbow Brite
  • Inspector Gadget
  • Strawberry Shortcake

Three Blogs I’v Tagged

 

I can do this after all! March 30, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jessie @ 1:40 pm

Well I did it…

I went to the gym….  YIKES!!!

I went yesturday for my mesurments appointment.  That went, well, alright I suppose…  Turns out I have already lost some weight so hey, thats a good start! 

I went today for my first actual workout… and you know what?  I think I could get into this.  I really do.  I was soo stressed, the three year old class I work in stresses me soo much. So on my lunch break I went to the gym, got in a quick 20 minute workout, and a fast shower and I feel a million times refreshed.  It was so nice.  My legs feel a little like jelly, but hey, that goes away.  Most importanltly, I feel good.  My mood is up, I can excersize my stresses away. 

Instead of lying around on my butt moping about how stressfull my job is, or going out to eat somewhere and putting more calories in me, I burned them off.  I burned the stress off, its a great feeling.  Not to mention the shower at the gym is way better than mine and nothing is more refreshing than a shower.  And I find I actually like it!  Woo hoo for me. 

I just hope I can keep this up! 

 

This too shall pass March 28, 2007

Filed under: Adoptee,Adoption,Adoption reunion — Jessie @ 2:15 pm

I have so many things I want to write, and for the first time I am finding myself at a loss for words. 

By this time tomorrow, I will have had my first appointment at they gym… yikes.  My weight and measurement appointment.  YUCK.  I don’t really want to go to that.  I don’t really want someone with little body fat measuring pinchers to be measuring just how much of me is fat compared to how much isn’t.  I don’t think I want to know!!  I suppose maybe it will just be more motivation to actually GO to the gym.  More motivation to actually stick with it and see results, but BLAH.  I don’t want to go.  I am scared, I am nervous.  Damn me and my impulsive decisions sometimes!!! 

Adoption… hmmmmmm

What shall I say.  Meemo told me last night that the honeymoon period is over, finally, we lasted a hell of a long time on that.  However, now is the time that we discover who we really are.  See to me, I don’t feel as if anything radical has changed, I just feel like our relationship is still moving forward.  She’s having a hell of a time with it right now.  Not me necessarily, just life.  Life does that sometimes.  Don’t we all know it.  Life likes to hand you a million things and then sit back and watch as you scramble to make order of it once again.  I think life must get bored.  Its hard enough without this whole reunion thing thrown in.  Add that and you have hell in a hand-basket.  Some days I wish I could fix it for her.  Some days I wish I could run away because I feel that would make it easier for her.  Most days I just stand by and do what I can to remind myself that it isn’t all about me.  And it isn’t all my fault.  I just keep telling myself we will get through this.   She will get through all that is going on in her life.  This too shall pass.

To me, its quite amazing to know that we will.  I am not used to people sticking around.  Most don’t get past six months with me, they get sick of me by now.   I am sure she has had days where she is thinking, ‘can’t I send you back to where you came from!!’  However, love does funny things to people. 

This whole adoption process is just screwed up… look at all of us here.  Look at all of us, in different situations at different points in our lives and yet joined together by the one thing that has affected us all so deeply.  Adoption.  Whether we are searching or in reunion or just plain angry.  Its adoption, that common factor.  Its never spoken to me so much as now.  I feel such an array of different things.  Anger, frustration, pain, sorrow, hope.  Yes hope, I think there is hope for each of us.  That hope, and that knowledge that we are all stronger people because of this.  Sometimes I wonder how different life would be if I wasn’t touched by the adoption bug.  If I didn’t have to deal with this, if I didn’t have to have been that trapezoid peg in a square hole.  If I didn’t have to forge this relationship now.  If everything just didn’t have to be so damn hard. 

I wish I could say this too shall pass.  But it never really does, does it?  It never really goes away, never passes, never moves on.  Its always there, in the back of your mind.  Adoption.  The big freaking A word.

 

Happy news and not so happy thoughts March 27, 2007

Filed under: Adoptee,Adoption,Adoption reunion — Jessie @ 2:18 pm

I have some amazingly wonderful news.  Ok maybe it isn’t so amazingly wonderful for all of you, but it is for me.  I took a huge step today, huge.  I got the courage up to join a gym/athletic club whatever you want to call it.  ME!  Now this may not seem all that unordinary, but I am not the gymming type.  First off, I never liked gym class, I was never athletic, I was never into exercise.  I am, for the most part, lazy.  I don’t like to “do” things.  However, I have found, as I get older, that things are becoming more difficult.  Chasing children, walking up and down stairs, strenuous stuff, stuff that I used to be able to do without a problem.  Not that I am having problems, but I know that some of these difficulties and my lack of any energy are in large part due to my weight (I am not skinny, or even almost skinny, or even chubby for that matter.) I decided that I need to do something about it.  I don’t know what inspired me, I guess because I am going to have the next five months off school and I will actually have time to go to the gym.  I don’t know.  Doesn’t matter at this point, I joined, I am going to go.  I am hopefully going to get healthier, its about time. 

I am very proud of this decision. 

Today, I was reading Issycat’s blog, she was talking about forming this relationship with her bio mom.  The post just seemed to ring so true for me.  Maybe not for the same reasons, but for the same basic reason of this is not a normal relationship you are forming.  And although, you have never met this woman, she is not a stranger. 

My bio-mom, my Meemo, was not a stranger.  Even from the first second I laid eyes on her.  I met her 24 years after she gave birth to me, but yet, how can you call someone with your face, your eyes, your likes and dislikes a stranger.  How do you form a relationship with this person even though it is so completely unlike any other relationship you will ever have in your life.  Its hard, its so hard.  Some days I don’t like it, some days I wish I could make it disappear.  This is so difficult to describe or to even say because it isn’t like I want HER to disappear, just this whole difficult phase of this difficult relationship. 

I hate forming relationships, I am a bit anti-social, and not all that great at forming relationships, much less keeping them.  For the most part I have bad luck, for the most part, people don’t really like me.  I get so frustrated with this relationship because for me, its a constant process.  Its constantly double thinking what I am doing, what I am saying.  Its a constant battle in my mind of, is this the right thing to say… no is ‘this’ the right thing to say.  Am I being too loud, am I being too annoying, do I come off as needy, did I do the right thing just there?  Oh shoot, I said the wrong thing!  Yes, this is a bit like my mental process when I am with her.  Or anyone new that I want to like me.  I have a hard time trusting my judgment, because I am not good at knowing what the right thing to do is.  One thing I am REALLY good at is saying whatever appears in my brain at that moment.  Impulsiveness, I am very impulsive and I speak impulsively, a lot.  I don’t always mean to come off the way I do, but unfortunately, it doesn’t always work.  Needless to say I have a lot of anxiety when it comes to forming relationships with people. 

My Meemo was no exception, if anything, she was like the worst case senario.  I only really get one shot at this.  If I totally screw it up, I don’t think I will have another chance, and if I do, there will always be that memory of screwing up to begin with.  It isn’t like a boyfriend, you have a boyfriend, you screw it up, you can find another. 

She is my one and only bio mom… she is the one and only woman who gave birth to me, the one and only who shares my genetic makeup.  I can’t find another Meemo, can’t walk into a store and buy one, can’t order one online or join an online mommy finding site.  I only have one.  God is that stressful.  Its like ok Jessie, here is your shot, don’t f*ck it up. 

Meemo and I are very very much alike.  Some of the things we have in common I just have to laugh at, others, are just kinda freaky.  Like all along, I really wasn’t that strange after all, or maybe I was and there was just someone else who was strange too 😉  However, we are very different in some ways.  One of them is how we react to people.  I tend to get very attached to people, she is on the opposite end of that spectrum.  I tend to want to be around the people I really care about, she likes her space (at least when it comes to me).  I tend to be overly sensitive to things, and she is something like a brick wall at times.  It makes this relationship interesting.  I suppose it worked that way for a reason, God (or whoever) is probably kinda looking down on us having a chuckle about it.   Surprisingly enough, for as much as we frustrate each other with our differences, it works.  I think if she were as clingy and mushy as I am we would intertwine and never come apart.  Very good thing that we aren’t. 

Sometimes I just feel like an outsider looking in.  I feel like I am lost in between two worlds.  I have an afamily, who I love, but I don’t completely feel like I am a part of.  My amom doesn’t really treat me like a daughter, although we are getting there.  I just never really felt like I belonged there.  I have a bfamily, who I love, but I don’t completely feel like I am a part of.  My bmom doesn’t really treat me like a daughter, although we are getting there.  I just don’t feel like I completely belong there either.  I feel like the lost child, the one who was given up and re-found but everything was so different that I never really fit anywhere.  Its like being in limbo, and never really knowing where you are going to land.  I know I am an adult, I don’t need a mother, but who doesn’t need a mother, and shit, I have two!!  Its just so difficult to describe.  The past is the past, and I would love to ignore it, but I can’t.  I can only make it more positive and be happy with the fact that it is the past.  Its over.  I just wish things could have been different, I wish I didn’t have to be lost.  I wish I didn’t have to spend all this time and all these emotions and all this stress over a relationship with someone.  When of all relationships this one should come naturally, it shouldn’t be so hard.  It should be simple and easy and painless.  Its not!!  I love her with all my heart, I just wish I could skip all this crap.  I wish I could just be able to do this without all the stress and wonder.  I wish it would just be simple.  I wish adoption would find a toilet and flush itself.

 

My dream house March 25, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jessie @ 6:21 pm

For those of you who are wondering why I deleted my last entry “reunion doesn’t fix things” Its because it was just written in one of those moments that I wasn’t quite sure what to do with myself.  I suppose it was an angry adoptee moment, for that moment, I was tired of being an adoptee.  I was tired of the emotions that seem to follow me at all times.  For one moment, I just wished I could go back to the ignorance of a time when I had convinced myself that being adopted didn’t bother me.  The moment is gone, I decided to delete it.  In its stead, I will tell you the mood I am in today.  I am in a futuristic mood, one which leads me to think about the house that I someday hope to have.  My dream house. 

My dream house has

A front porch, porch swing included, that I can sit out on and watch thunderstorms with my babies.  That I can spend lazy day’s sitting outside with my animals on.

A big, deep, human being sized bathtub.  One that I can sink into up to my chin and forget my worries for a while.  Preferably with candle holders around so I can light greenhouse scented candles and be even more at peace with the world.

A big back yard,  with lots of space, and a little alcove of trees in the back where I can hang a hammock and be alone and at peace with nature. 

A screened in back porch so that I can have picnics on rainy day’s, and so my cats can enjoy the wonderment of the outside world without all the dangers.

A small quirky, cubby like hidden room, preferably odd shaped, with lots of windows.  One I can throw a bunch of pillows in and make a reading room away from the hustle and bustle of the rest of the house. 

A play room for my children, as that was my favorite place when I was a child.  Somewhere I can send them to play, and will hopefully contain the toy mess to one room. 

Lots of windows, to let in light from every angle so I can have all different kinds of  flowers.

A small greenhouse so I can grow my exotic orchids. 

Someday, I will have my dream house, it doesn’t have to be big, or new, or beautiful.  Those aren’t part of my dreams. I find houses that aren’t perfect to have much more charm than ones who are.  I wouldn’t even care if it were orange, I would probably paint one side purple just to be even more odd. 

Someday, I will have my dream house.

 

More thoughts on discovering me March 23, 2007

Filed under: Adoptee,Adoption,Self Discovery — Jessie @ 1:04 pm

I hit the 2,000 mark on the views to my blog yesterday.  Wow, 2,000 views, in three months.  It is almost amazing to think that people even want to hear what I have to say.  I have just realized lately, how much this blog has helped me, given me a place to share my feelings and read what other people think as well.

I have a lot of new news, a lot of things I would really like to blog about. 

First I want to start with my mom, my amom, she emailed me today, with the official plans for Easter.  She is taking me and my sister and possibly my two favorite cousins from my dad’s side of the family out to Easter Brunch at a popular restaurant here.  Its a really nice place, its on the beach, and they have an AMAZING Sunday brunch.  Absolutely amazing.  I know that I said before that she was going to spend Easter with just us.  However, I don’t think it really clicked to me, I guess I was waiting for her to drop the ball, to come up with something.  To send me a guilt trip, something.  I got none of that.  Just a really nice email this morning telling me about brunch and asking if I would like to meet up at her house and drive together or meet her there. 

Its amazing, I really feel like she is validating me, validating all the feelings I have had all these years.  I also feel like she is finally taking the ball, she is taking some responsibility and saying, Ok Jess, I am going to try to fix this. 

I realized that I still love my mom.  I really do, she is my mother, for better or for worse, she is the woman who raised me.  The woman who changed my diapers and stayed up with me into the middle of the night.  The woman who got me through school and who watched me walk across the stage on graduation day. 

Love is a tough thing for me.  Since I have met Meemo I have had a hard time loving my mom.  It was hard for me, to know the woman who biologically made me, to see what she is like, and to realize that she is the woman who was supposed to have raised me.  Sometimes that is hard for me to deal with.  Adoption is a tough thing, and I never realized it.  All these years, growing up, I never realized how much adoption really was a part of who I was.  I never realized that there was someone out there who had the capability of making me feel better about myself by just being them.  When I met Meemo, it was tough for me to accept my mom.  I was angry at her, I was angry at myself.  

One of the biggest things I was angry about, or upset about, was the fact that I thought I was a very large disappointment to Meemo.  I knew I was not what she expected me to be.  In a lot of ways I was angry at her for expecting me to be so much of what I am not.  It bothered me, I felt like yet again, I wasn’t good enough.  Yet again, I was a disappointment to someone.  I felt that so many of the things Meemo expected me to be were so many of the things that I had let my parents down on in the first place.   We had talked about it, and she explained that she wasn’t disappointed in me.  But its always been there, in the back of my mind.  Festering.  My thoughts like to do that, fester.   I guess I was just tired of being a disappointment. 

In thinking about this, I realized that I don’t really have to impress anyone, that I have risen from the ashes of my life and my situation and the only person that matters to is me.  I also realized that my Meemo is her own person, with her own set of thoughts.  I tend to be the type who makes everything about me, not in a selfish way, just in a generalization.  I wansn’t what she expected so therefore I must be a disappointment.  I realized that this isn’t true.  I am not a disappointment, just my situation.  I guess sometimes I forget that she gave me up in the hopes that I would have a better life.  She gave me up to give me a better chance and I suppose finding out that it wasn’t all that great is probably not the most fun thing to sit with.  I guess in all the changes I have made, one of the biggest is my ability to really see things from another person’s point of view.  To actually accept that it isn’t about me, I didn’t do something wrong.  It also makes me wonder how much of my life I have really just been my own worst enemy.  I have spent far too long being my enemy, maybe its time I start being my friend. 

In thinking, I discovered that a lot of life is our viewpoints, the way we see something, and the way we let it affect us.  I have spent a lot of my life looking at the negative, and waiting for someone else to reassure me of the positive.  Saying something is bad and waiting for someone else to tell me that it was good.  I realized that this doesn’t work for me, because I never let the good sink in, I never allowed myself to see it, even when it was pointed out to me.  Looking at both sides of something may not always be the easiest thing to do, but it might also make life a whole hell of a lot better.  Also, along these lines of thinking I have also decided that I need to stop seeing the negative in every situation.  For as easy as it is for me to see the negative I can turn it around and see the positive.  What is wrong with that???  What is wrong with instead of being so absorbed in the negativity of everything taking a second to see the positive.  My life has been so absorbed with concentrations on the negative, I can’t change that.  I cannot change the past, I cannot make it better, I can’t change my childhood or my parents or any of those things.  However, I can choose not to dwell in it.  I can choose to say, some things weren’t very happy, but other things were.  Even the negative in my life has changed who I am for the better.  However, this is only because I allowed it to.  We have to allow ourselves to change in order to make these changes.  We have to allow ourselves to step back and say, ok, this is the easy option, but what other options are there?  What is something that I can do differently that might ultimately make a difference in the outcome.

And back to my mother, I could choose not to like my mother.  I could choose to continue on the path of disliking and not loving her because I have Meemo.  But why, why would I??  There is absolutly NO reason why I should write my mother off just because everything wasn’t always happy and cheerful.  Who’s to say everything can’t be all happy and cheerful now?  She is obviously trying to change, I have changed.  Who say’s I can’t love both of my mothers equally?  Especially considering I love them both very differently and for very different reasons.  I have enough love to give, plenty to share… maybe I will feel better in the process.  Maybe this will be a new time for everyone.  The past is over… the present is now!  Why should I spend it wallowing in the misery of what could have been when what I have is now. 

 

In other news March 22, 2007

Filed under: People,Uncategorized — Jessie @ 12:44 pm

As many of you know, I work in a child care.  My room, my favorite one to work in and the room I consider mine, is the infant room. 

There are two women who work in there in the mornings,  Debbie and Sue.  I love them to death, they are my mom’s at work, as I am always joking with them that now, instead of having one mother, I have four.  They are there for me whenever I need someone to talk to, Sue and I call each other names all day.  Its cute, I like them a lot, although they are both much older than me, I consider them my friends.  I don’t know what I would do without them some days. 

In the afternoons, I work in there, with a girl named Briiana.  She is a girl, 19 years old, mature for her age but young none the less.  We also work very well together.  We have similar attitudes toward the children and have an ability to make each other laugh.  I never see her outside of work, but I still also consider her a friend.  It takes a lot for me to like people, but I like her.  I genuinely enjoy working with Briiana, and it kinda throws my whole day off if she isn’t at work.  Lately, she hasn’t been at work.  She has been gone this whole week, and last week she was out for a day as well.  I missed her, as when she isn’t there, I invariably get stuck with someone who doesn’t have a freaking clue what to do when it comes to infants.  Very difficult.  I knew she was sick, and I finally decided to ask my director what was really going on with her.  I got some distressing news.

She has Cervical cancer…. cancer, my 19 year old sweet hearted, good natured co worker, has cancer.  Wow.  She went in for her yearly girl doc appointment and her PAP came back positive.  Just imagine, going in for a routine doctors appointment and coming out with the news that you have cancer.  She is young, I imagine that they have caught it early, but still, how scary.

I guess I never really thought about it before now.  Cancer.  I have never known anyone under the age of 60 who has had it.  I know it happens a lot, you hear stories, and see children’s wards in the hospital and its sad.  But it happened, right next to me, to a girl I know.  She should be thinking about things like school, and finding a boyfriend, and going out on Friday nights.  Not cancer, not the things that you have to do to treat cancer.  Not spending time wondering whether or not she will be able to have children.  Not having to be faced with her own mortality at nineteen years of age.  It just makes me sad.  It also makes me think, think about how long its been since I have been in for my yearly… probably about three years.   Just makes you think, it can happen to anyone.