I feel a bit like I have had a revelation.
I have been thinking a lot lately, about myself, my life and what is in it. Trying to figure out where everything fits, and where some things don’t. And I have realized a lot of things.
One being that I am in complete control of my life. I know this sounds silly, but for a long time, I turned to other people when it came to my life and what I was doing. I didn’t have the confidence in myself to be who I am and build my own life off of that. I realized that I am my own person, and I can do my own things, not only that, but there is nothing wrong with it. Just because I am doing something that someone else might not agree with, or may not like. Doesn’t mean that it isn’t ok for me to do.
I realized that I am in charge of my life, and while there are things that I need to do, there are others that I don’t.
I realized that the things that define me are not what I perceive as things that define me. Yes, I am an adoptee, yes I am in reunion, yes that is hard as hell. Yes, I do have Borderline Personality Disorder, yes its hard as hell. Yes I have struggled, yes there has been pain, yes life hurts and mine has. NO these things do NOT define me, they do not define who I am. I am not an adoptee, I am not a borderline, I am no one but ME.
I need to stop worring about the little things.
One of the things I don’t need to do is worry about what other people perceive of me, and whether or not they like me. I am, and can be, no one but myself. I can be the best me that I can be. However, regardless of that, I can be no one but me.
Loud, obnoxious and big hearted. I love to laugh, although many times it doesn’t show through. I am a thinker, and when I am not being loud and obnoxious prefer to be in the company of my own mind. I am a communicator, although I am not good at small talk. I do believe that there is something greater to be had in the art of communication. I am smart, I like to learn, although I have a stubborn streak that allows me only to only learn what I want to. I am afraid of change, but will try ANYTHING once (as long as it doesn’t involve a tall building or a small space) I believe that all children are miracles waiting to happen, they just need someone to believe. I believe that animals and babies are much smarter than we give them credit for, except of course my bunny, who was born without that gene. I believe that every person is worth a chance, including me, and everyone has something to teach if we would just sit back and listen. I believe in God, and the greater good, and I believe there is a purpose for me, even though I may not have found it yet. I have a huge ability to love, one that is unmatched by anyone that I have met yet.
I believe that somewhere in this life, there is something to offer. Even though I stress, even though I get depressed. I realized today, that no matter what, I am who and what I am. Regardless of what other people think, regardless of who I care about and what they think. Regardless of whether or not I am making the right decisions in life. Its my life to decide.
I have decided that I no longer need someone else to like me for who I am. I have to like me for who I am. I need to stop worrying about the petty, and I need to stop being afraid of the future. The people who are worth having in my life, will stay in my life, if I only learn to just be myself.