A moment in a thought

My thoughts, in my life, of adoption and other such things

Easter Plans March 10, 2007

Filed under: Adoptee,Adoption,Adoption reunion — Jessie @ 11:48 am

Oh the emotions of being an adoptee. 

Where do they begin, and where do they end.  Sometimes I am fine, and others I sit up at night shedding the tears of a thousand lost years, thoughts and emotions.  Finding my Meemo was the best thing that ever happened to me, or perhaps I should say she found me.  The best moment of my life was the one where I first heard her voice, first looked at her face, first knew her name.  However, these happy moments only brought on a million more questions, thoughts and feelings that I wish I never had.  I find myself at times wishing to shield her from the truth of this, as I know she shields me.  However, the need to speak is at times as overwhelming as the feelings themselves. 

I wish adoption didn’t have to touch lives, I read the blogs of other adoptees, other bio-moms, and adoptive parents, many of whom seem to share the common feeling of pain.  Adoption causes pain.  As do many other things in the world.  In a perfect world, every situation would be perfect, and adoption would never be necessary.  Teenagers wouldn’t get pregnant, there would be no rape, or incest.  There wouldn’t be any reason to give up a tiny piece of who you are to complete strangers to raise.  The world is far from perfect.  Mistakes are made, people are cruel and adoption happens.  I don’t necessarily think that adoption is a horrible thing.  I don’t think it is evil or bad, I just think that it is the second option, when the first, keeping your child, is not possible.  There are many situations where I think adoption is definitely warranted, such as mine.  I do know this.  I just wish we lived in that perfect fantasy world. 

My amother emailed me, telling me about Easter, that we are having our annual family brunch at my Grandmothers house again this year.  No mention of any reason why I wouldn’t want to go, no mention of anything at all.  Just sending me the information as if it is a given that of course I am going to be there.  My Aunt Linda will be there, and so will my cousin K (the one I don’t like for good reason).  I guess it angers me greatly that at previous holidays this year (mainly thanksgiving and Christmas) I told my mother that I will no longer be attending holiday functions where K will be there.  It is important to me, I don’t want to see him, I don’t want to be around him, I am changing my name because of him.  You would think she would understand!  It makes me want to punch her in the head that she doesn’t.  It makes me so angry, that she still has YET to even acknowledge how I feel.  It disgusts me that she would just expect that I would be there, without any words in the email to suggest otherwise! 

I find myself in a situation where I don’t know what to do.  I don’t know what Easter is like in my bfamily.  Meemo has yet to say anything about it, which doesn’t suprise me or anything of the sort considering Easter is like a month away.  My amom is disgustingly organized and plans ahead for everything.  My bmom, is well my bmom, she is like me.  I plan things… well most of the time I don’t really plan.  I know it will disappoint my grandmother if I am not at Easter brunch.  I feel as though I should at least make an appearance there.  After all, it isn’t her fault, none of it is her fault.  No one in the family, besides me, my amom and K even know of what happened.  Should I punish the rest of the family because I don’t want to be around K?  I have a few weeks to figure out the answers to this.  For now I will just settle in the anger towards my amom, and the feelings I have towards her and her nonchalance of the entire situation.  AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGG


6 Responses to “Easter Plans”

  1. Amy Says:

    My thinking? Answer her email. Answer by saying: While I look forward to seeing the extended family… K did “this” to me. I think you don’t understand the effect that it had on me. If you did, you would never ask me to be around him. You would want to see him fall off the face of the earth as much as I do. I understand that it is hard for you to accept that one of your family members did something so horrible to me that it has scarred me for life. I understand that it hurts you, but it happened to me I cant pretend it didnt and have it go away. I am not being over emotional or using it as an excuse. I am not making it up or being over dramatic. In fact his doing this to me has caused me to be who I am today and I have spent years in counceling because of it. Nothing can fix it, nothing can make it okay or make it go away. I can only learn to move past it and move on. I cannot move on if he is sitting at the table with me, living his life as if nothing happened. I cannot spend two hours shaking and hoping I will not scream if he enters my personal space or vomit if he brushes against me.
    Maybe then she will begin to understand.

  2. Possum Says:

    Oh Jessie – I’m so sorry that your a-mother just DOESN’T GET IT.
    No – you should not be expected to partake in ‘happy family’ gatherings when something so evil has occurred – and everyone has to pretend that nothing ever happened.
    I’m so very angry at your a-mother for pretending that nothing ever happened and that you should just ‘get over it’.
    I love Meemo’s suggestion above.
    How dare your a-mother carry on the way she does.
    Your needs should be number 1 in her thoughts.
    She needs to be made aware that you will NOT be made to ignore something that hurt you so deeply.
    I’m thinking of you sweetie. I so wish that life could be a whole lot easier – for all of us – but I love to see how you’re growing within – even being able to write about such things – and that your voice is growing stronger with every post.
    Stay true to YOU.
    Sending you the BIGGEST hugs, Poss. xxxx

  3. kim.kim Says:

    Did your mother not see the Oprah show about inviting relatives who have abused their children to family gatherings.

    How fucked up is this?

    You don’t have to go. You just don’t.

    I think it’s really terrible that she acts like nothing happened.

  4. Some other Jessica Says:

    No, you shouldn’t have to be in the same gathering with K. You just shouldn’t. Period. If (as I gathered from your mom’s blog) you actually found a way to make this clear to your a-mom, you’re my hero. A lot of people have this tendency to want to cover up and “make pretty” anything unpleasant, but guess what? It doesn’t work that way. And the soonder your amom gets it the better. ARRRRGGGGHH is right.

  5. joy Says:

    I am glad to hear you are sticking up for yourself, you will never regret giving yourself the dignity and respect you deserve.

  6. […] just the way it has always been.  I obviously, have issues with this (for those just tuning in read Easter plans,  I can confront my mother and Defeated.) because of my cousin K.  My mother and I had a very […]

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