Oh the emotions of being an adoptee.
Where do they begin, and where do they end. Sometimes I am fine, and others I sit up at night shedding the tears of a thousand lost years, thoughts and emotions. Finding my Meemo was the best thing that ever happened to me, or perhaps I should say she found me. The best moment of my life was the one where I first heard her voice, first looked at her face, first knew her name. However, these happy moments only brought on a million more questions, thoughts and feelings that I wish I never had. I find myself at times wishing to shield her from the truth of this, as I know she shields me. However, the need to speak is at times as overwhelming as the feelings themselves.
I wish adoption didn’t have to touch lives, I read the blogs of other adoptees, other bio-moms, and adoptive parents, many of whom seem to share the common feeling of pain. Adoption causes pain. As do many other things in the world. In a perfect world, every situation would be perfect, and adoption would never be necessary. Teenagers wouldn’t get pregnant, there would be no rape, or incest. There wouldn’t be any reason to give up a tiny piece of who you are to complete strangers to raise. The world is far from perfect. Mistakes are made, people are cruel and adoption happens. I don’t necessarily think that adoption is a horrible thing. I don’t think it is evil or bad, I just think that it is the second option, when the first, keeping your child, is not possible. There are many situations where I think adoption is definitely warranted, such as mine. I do know this. I just wish we lived in that perfect fantasy world.
My amother emailed me, telling me about Easter, that we are having our annual family brunch at my Grandmothers house again this year. No mention of any reason why I wouldn’t want to go, no mention of anything at all. Just sending me the information as if it is a given that of course I am going to be there. My Aunt Linda will be there, and so will my cousin K (the one I don’t like for good reason). I guess it angers me greatly that at previous holidays this year (mainly thanksgiving and Christmas) I told my mother that I will no longer be attending holiday functions where K will be there. It is important to me, I don’t want to see him, I don’t want to be around him, I am changing my name because of him. You would think she would understand! It makes me want to punch her in the head that she doesn’t. It makes me so angry, that she still has YET to even acknowledge how I feel. It disgusts me that she would just expect that I would be there, without any words in the email to suggest otherwise!
I find myself in a situation where I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what Easter is like in my bfamily. Meemo has yet to say anything about it, which doesn’t suprise me or anything of the sort considering Easter is like a month away. My amom is disgustingly organized and plans ahead for everything. My bmom, is well my bmom, she is like me. I plan things… well most of the time I don’t really plan. I know it will disappoint my grandmother if I am not at Easter brunch. I feel as though I should at least make an appearance there. After all, it isn’t her fault, none of it is her fault. No one in the family, besides me, my amom and K even know of what happened. Should I punish the rest of the family because I don’t want to be around K? I have a few weeks to figure out the answers to this. For now I will just settle in the anger towards my amom, and the feelings I have towards her and her nonchalance of the entire situation. AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGG