WOW! What an emotional couple of days for me… for a lot of people I know. I feel like a giant weight has been lifted off my sholders, I feel as if the world is coming back to a place of peace once again. Ok maybe not the entire world, just mine!
My Meemo is amazing, I dare anyone, including her, to try and contradict me on this. Because she is! She has helped me through one of the toughest and most vindicating times in my life. Right now. I can’t thank her enough, I know this is hard for her too.
I confronted my mother. I confronted my MOTHER! Not the one who pushed me out of her womb, but the one who raised me, the one who hasn’t a clue what she has done to me by ignoring important things in my life. Namely my cousin K.
I can’t even begin to describe what a huge step this is for me, I can’t even say how I feel about it. I can say that the pride my Meemo has for me is nothing compared to the pride I feel for myself. Which is yet another huge step in the right direction.
It is however, a step that has been a long time coming. Something I have needed to do for a long time, and just never had the strength to do it. I was too scared, and for good reason. My mother does not react to these things well.
It started with the email she sent about Easter. I posted info here, mainly because I needed support, I needed to speak and I needed to get my feelings off my chest. I expected sympathy, I did not expect a well written email from my other mother that basically said everything I have ever wanted to say, in a nice enough tone. I was shocked, stunned really, that she would even have that much insight and that much ability to spit out the words. I suppose it works because it isn’t ‘her’ mother she has to spit these words at. All I could think was Jessie, you have to do this, you can do this…. next week or something. I wasn’t ready. Then I got thrown into it.
I called my mothers house to talk to my sister, and got my mom instead. Talked to her about things, and actually the conversation was going quite well until she brought up Easter… Well this is the essance of that conversation.
Mom “So Easter, should I tell Grandma that you are coming?”
“think about it mom, think about it for one second and I think you will know”
“Oh, because you think K is going to be there?”
“yes, because K will be there”
“oh so, just because K is going to be there, you aren’t going to come to Easter, That’s how its going to be?”
“MOM! I told you, back at Thanksgiving, that I was NOT going to spend another holiday with him!”
“Well, I must have missed that, so you are never coming to another holiday just because K is going to be there, that’s nice”
“well you can call up your Grandmother then, and tell her that you aren’t coming, because she is going to be very disappointed! And I guess that’s it, I guess I will never see you anymore because the only time you ever come around is holidays and now you aren’t coming to those either”
“No mom, did I not just get done telling you that I am taking next semester off, I will have a lot more time to spend with people when I don’t have to go to school.”
“Alright, whatever, I am sure, hope to see you sometime soon, make sure you call your grandmother”
“whatever mom, talk to you later”
“what that’s it?”
“yeah, thats it, bye”
That’s when all hell broke loose. I was also online with Meemo at the time, told her about it. She, in one basic sentence, gave me the strength to send her the well written email she had written with my own little additives. And so started a conversation with my mom that has gone over these past few days. Conversations where I have gradually grown my own voice, conversations where I have said to her NO mom, I am NOT going to hurt anymore. NO mom, I am NOT going to allow you to control my decisions. NO mom, you need to look at this from your point of view as well.
My mother actually had the courage to ask me why I didn’t stand up to him all these holidays, she basically said, if I were really that uncomfortable, why didn’t I stick up for myself, because I obviously wasn’t having a problem sticking up to her. This hit me like no other blow yet, it was almost as if she was saying that I should have stuck up for myself to begin with. That it shouldn’t have happened because I should have been strong and stood up to him. I hated her for that, I hated her for not even having an inkling of a clue, I hated her for not understanding in the slightest. I hated her for not taking responsibility for ANYTHING on her part. I came up with an extremely emotional email, an email that included a lot of feelings and a lot of anger and blame at her. Yet again, my Meemo came through. Explained to me that it would send my mother through the roof if I sent it, and together, we came up with something better. Something that was unemotional and basically sounded like, I am tired of explaining this to you mother, you are being an idiot, if you want to get a clue, go read a book about it, while at the same time validating myself by saying, my behavior is normal, even though it doesn’t make sense to you. WOW. wow wow wow. Her head must be spinning in a million circles now.
Anyhow, I feel amazing, I actually FEEL I AM AMAZING. Or fucking amazing as my Meemo put it. I feel as though I have taken a giant leap into maturing into the adult I have become. I feel like I can take on the world if I can take on my mother. I feel like I have actually literally changed the person that I am in just the last few days. I can’t describe it, but its a wonderful feeling. Like I can take on the rest of my life now.
Oh and may I mention, that we finally got our spring today! 65 degree’s and SUNNY!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh relief from winter at last… hurray.
Alas its supposed to snow this weekend, but I can enjoy my beautiful day 🙂