First off… Read this Possum’s poem It is a poem that Possum has written, and I just think it speaks so well to so many of the feelings that many of us adoptees have.
Now my turn, my mother took a huge step in the right direction. Well maybe it wasn’t huge, but for her it was.
In my family, we have always spent holidays together as a family, the whole family, meaning aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, everyone. Its just the way it has always been. I obviously, have issues with this (for those just tuning in read Easter plans, I can confront my mother and Defeated.) because of my cousin K. My mother and I had a very emotional fight via email over this. I really didn’t think she was ever going to get it.
However, she got something, because she told me on Saturday that she is planning on having our own Easter celebration (meaning just her, me and my sister.) I was very shocked and surprised. Happy, because I could finally prove to her once and for all that this wasn’t about Meemo, this was about K and I and the things he did. I was shocked and surprised because that means she is going to have to come up with a reason to tell my grandmother as to why we won’t be attending brunch this year. I am sure she won’t tell her the real reason, but none the less, she is going to have to explain something. None the less, it takes the weight off my shoulders of having to call up my grandmother and tell her why I won’t be at brunch. It is also validation from my mother, it is validation in saying yes, I understand this happened to you, and yes, I am finally going to do something about it. It is finally showing me that she is choosing me over the family. It is showing me that she cares.
Of course I had to go and screw it up, because what am I best at? I told her, via a silly survey that I was changing my middle name to Marie. Why did I do it? I don’t know, maybe because I didn’t want the weight of it sitting on my shoulders, maybe I just needed her to know that I was doing it. Maybe I was testing her, I don’t really know what I was doing. At first I thought she was fine, she sent me a joking email about how I was changing it, and am I changing anything else in my life. I really thought she was ok. However, I explained to her why I was doing it. Short and sweet and basically just explaining that I wanted to carry a part of the baby that was born (me, and my name when I was born, Bethany Marie) Amy’s middle name and her middle name (her middle name is also Marie). I guess I thought she would understand the whole thing. I think I was wrong. I got nothing in return but an email that said… sounds like a nice tribute to your two moms. Uh oh. I think I f$cked up. Why did I do it I ask myself. Why must I rock the boat when it finally seems to be steadying. Whats wrong with me sometimes?? I sent her back an email telling her that she is my one and only mother and I love her very much and I hope she isn’t mad at me. (ok, so I sugarcoat things sometimes, sue me) I have yet to hear back. Again, just wondering why I feel the need to mess with the boat.
And one more thing… Send my Meemo some strength and luck. She’s going through a heck of a time right now.