A moment in a thought

My thoughts, in my life, of adoption and other such things

Why one shouldn’t rock the stablizing boat March 20, 2007

Filed under: Adoptee,Adoption — Jessie @ 12:03 pm

First off… Read this Possum’s poem  It is a poem that Possum has written, and I just think it speaks so well to so many of the feelings that many of us adoptees have. 

Now my turn,  my mother took a huge step in the right direction.  Well maybe it wasn’t huge, but for her it was. 

In my family, we have always spent holidays together as a family, the whole family, meaning aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, everyone.  Its just the way it has always been.  I obviously, have issues with this (for those just tuning in read Easter plansI can confront my mother and Defeated.) because of my cousin K.  My mother and I had a very emotional fight via email over this.  I really didn’t think she was ever going to get it.

However, she got something, because she told me on Saturday that she is planning on having our own Easter celebration (meaning just her, me and my sister.)  I was very shocked and surprised.  Happy, because I could finally prove to her once and for all that this wasn’t about Meemo, this was about K and I and the things he did.  I was shocked and surprised because that means she is going to have to come up with a reason to tell my grandmother as to why we won’t be attending brunch this year.  I am sure she won’t tell her the real reason, but none the less, she is going to have to explain something.  None the less, it takes the weight off my shoulders of having to call up my grandmother and tell her why I won’t be at brunch.  It is also validation from my mother, it is validation in saying yes, I understand this happened to you, and yes, I am finally going to do something about it.  It is finally showing me that she is choosing me over the family.  It is showing me that she cares. 

Of course I had to go and screw it up, because what am I best at?  I told her, via a silly survey that I was changing my middle name to Marie.  Why did I do it?  I don’t know, maybe because I didn’t want the weight of it sitting on my shoulders, maybe I just needed her to know that I was doing it.  Maybe I was testing her, I don’t really know what I was doing.  At first I thought she was fine, she sent me a joking email about how I was changing it, and am I changing anything else in my life.  I really thought she was ok.  However, I explained to her why I was doing it.  Short and sweet and basically just explaining that I wanted to carry a part of the baby that was born (me, and my name when I was born, Bethany Marie) Amy’s middle name and her middle name (her middle name is also Marie).  I guess I thought she would understand the whole thing.  I think I was wrong.  I got nothing in return but an email that said… sounds like a nice tribute to your two moms.  Uh oh.  I think I f$cked up.  Why did I do it I ask myself.  Why must I rock the boat when it finally seems to be steadying.  Whats wrong with me sometimes??  I sent her back an email telling her that she is my one and only mother and I love her very much and I hope she isn’t mad at me.  (ok, so I sugarcoat things sometimes, sue me) I have yet to hear back.  Again, just wondering why I feel the need to mess with the boat. 

And one more thing… Send my Meemo some strength and luck.  She’s going through a heck of a time right now. 

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5 Responses to “Why one shouldn’t rock the stablizing boat”

  1. Rebecca Says:

    Jessie, Don’t be too hard on yourself for telling your mom about your middle name change. You don’t have to take on her feelings, remember. It’s great that she finally got it about K and Easter. I am impressed that she took such a big step. Sending good thoughts to Meemo. Hugs, Rebecca

  2. kim.kim Says:

    But you do have two mothers don’t you? Or do you mean just one mum, whatever way you assimilate your information and experience is your own business of course.

    It sounds to me like your mum is really reaching out and showing you how important you are to her, that’s wonderful.

  3. Possum Says:

    “….sounds like a nice tribute to your two moms”
    You know her tone better than I – but first off when I read this – I thought – wow – maybe she is really starting to ‘get’ it – but you know her way better – maybe she meant it in a much meaner way.
    I think it is a nice tribute to your two moms.
    I am glad that she is starting to ‘get it’ about Easter – and that she is starting to really ‘hear’ what you have to say.
    Way to go dear Jessie.
    You’re making a stand – and you are taking back some of your power.
    (Possum is currently standing, clapping and cheering – for you!!!!)
    Biggest hugs, Poss. xxxx

  4. justice Says:

    I think it’s a nice tribute to your two moms too.

    I love imagining Possum standing, clapping and cheering and the way that makes boats rock crazily!!! We’re always recovering balance as we expand and grow.

    May our blogging create pontoons to help us steady ourselves as we explore the great unknowns.

  5. Jessica Says:

    All this family stuff is a work in progress, isn’t it? I think it’s great that she recognized the “Easter issue”. And she’s also right that it IS a nice tribute to your two moms (they are *both* your moms and always will be.) Give her some time, stuff like that needs to evolve, settle, be repeated, and, in the end, simply be lived. Heck, give *yourself *some time. You went through a lot of major changes in the last year. Just keep standing up for what you believe is right, firmly, kindly, like you’re doing, and you will be fine.


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