I hit the 2,000 mark on the views to my blog yesterday. Wow, 2,000 views, in three months. It is almost amazing to think that people even want to hear what I have to say. I have just realized lately, how much this blog has helped me, given me a place to share my feelings and read what other people think as well.
I have a lot of new news, a lot of things I would really like to blog about.
First I want to start with my mom, my amom, she emailed me today, with the official plans for Easter. She is taking me and my sister and possibly my two favorite cousins from my dad’s side of the family out to Easter Brunch at a popular restaurant here. Its a really nice place, its on the beach, and they have an AMAZING Sunday brunch. Absolutely amazing. I know that I said before that she was going to spend Easter with just us. However, I don’t think it really clicked to me, I guess I was waiting for her to drop the ball, to come up with something. To send me a guilt trip, something. I got none of that. Just a really nice email this morning telling me about brunch and asking if I would like to meet up at her house and drive together or meet her there.
Its amazing, I really feel like she is validating me, validating all the feelings I have had all these years. I also feel like she is finally taking the ball, she is taking some responsibility and saying, Ok Jess, I am going to try to fix this.
I realized that I still love my mom. I really do, she is my mother, for better or for worse, she is the woman who raised me. The woman who changed my diapers and stayed up with me into the middle of the night. The woman who got me through school and who watched me walk across the stage on graduation day.
Love is a tough thing for me. Since I have met Meemo I have had a hard time loving my mom. It was hard for me, to know the woman who biologically made me, to see what she is like, and to realize that she is the woman who was supposed to have raised me. Sometimes that is hard for me to deal with. Adoption is a tough thing, and I never realized it. All these years, growing up, I never realized how much adoption really was a part of who I was. I never realized that there was someone out there who had the capability of making me feel better about myself by just being them. When I met Meemo, it was tough for me to accept my mom. I was angry at her, I was angry at myself.
One of the biggest things I was angry about, or upset about, was the fact that I thought I was a very large disappointment to Meemo. I knew I was not what she expected me to be. In a lot of ways I was angry at her for expecting me to be so much of what I am not. It bothered me, I felt like yet again, I wasn’t good enough. Yet again, I was a disappointment to someone. I felt that so many of the things Meemo expected me to be were so many of the things that I had let my parents down on in the first place. We had talked about it, and she explained that she wasn’t disappointed in me. But its always been there, in the back of my mind. Festering. My thoughts like to do that, fester. I guess I was just tired of being a disappointment.
In thinking about this, I realized that I don’t really have to impress anyone, that I have risen from the ashes of my life and my situation and the only person that matters to is me. I also realized that my Meemo is her own person, with her own set of thoughts. I tend to be the type who makes everything about me, not in a selfish way, just in a generalization. I wansn’t what she expected so therefore I must be a disappointment. I realized that this isn’t true. I am not a disappointment, just my situation. I guess sometimes I forget that she gave me up in the hopes that I would have a better life. She gave me up to give me a better chance and I suppose finding out that it wasn’t all that great is probably not the most fun thing to sit with. I guess in all the changes I have made, one of the biggest is my ability to really see things from another person’s point of view. To actually accept that it isn’t about me, I didn’t do something wrong. It also makes me wonder how much of my life I have really just been my own worst enemy. I have spent far too long being my enemy, maybe its time I start being my friend.
In thinking, I discovered that a lot of life is our viewpoints, the way we see something, and the way we let it affect us. I have spent a lot of my life looking at the negative, and waiting for someone else to reassure me of the positive. Saying something is bad and waiting for someone else to tell me that it was good. I realized that this doesn’t work for me, because I never let the good sink in, I never allowed myself to see it, even when it was pointed out to me. Looking at both sides of something may not always be the easiest thing to do, but it might also make life a whole hell of a lot better. Also, along these lines of thinking I have also decided that I need to stop seeing the negative in every situation. For as easy as it is for me to see the negative I can turn it around and see the positive. What is wrong with that??? What is wrong with instead of being so absorbed in the negativity of everything taking a second to see the positive. My life has been so absorbed with concentrations on the negative, I can’t change that. I cannot change the past, I cannot make it better, I can’t change my childhood or my parents or any of those things. However, I can choose not to dwell in it. I can choose to say, some things weren’t very happy, but other things were. Even the negative in my life has changed who I am for the better. However, this is only because I allowed it to. We have to allow ourselves to change in order to make these changes. We have to allow ourselves to step back and say, ok, this is the easy option, but what other options are there? What is something that I can do differently that might ultimately make a difference in the outcome.
And back to my mother, I could choose not to like my mother. I could choose to continue on the path of disliking and not loving her because I have Meemo. But why, why would I?? There is absolutly NO reason why I should write my mother off just because everything wasn’t always happy and cheerful. Who’s to say everything can’t be all happy and cheerful now? She is obviously trying to change, I have changed. Who say’s I can’t love both of my mothers equally? Especially considering I love them both very differently and for very different reasons. I have enough love to give, plenty to share… maybe I will feel better in the process. Maybe this will be a new time for everyone. The past is over… the present is now! Why should I spend it wallowing in the misery of what could have been when what I have is now.