A moment in a thought

My thoughts, in my life, of adoption and other such things

Happy news and not so happy thoughts March 27, 2007

Filed under: Adoptee,Adoption,Adoption reunion — Jessie @ 2:18 pm

I have some amazingly wonderful news.  Ok maybe it isn’t so amazingly wonderful for all of you, but it is for me.  I took a huge step today, huge.  I got the courage up to join a gym/athletic club whatever you want to call it.  ME!  Now this may not seem all that unordinary, but I am not the gymming type.  First off, I never liked gym class, I was never athletic, I was never into exercise.  I am, for the most part, lazy.  I don’t like to “do” things.  However, I have found, as I get older, that things are becoming more difficult.  Chasing children, walking up and down stairs, strenuous stuff, stuff that I used to be able to do without a problem.  Not that I am having problems, but I know that some of these difficulties and my lack of any energy are in large part due to my weight (I am not skinny, or even almost skinny, or even chubby for that matter.) I decided that I need to do something about it.  I don’t know what inspired me, I guess because I am going to have the next five months off school and I will actually have time to go to the gym.  I don’t know.  Doesn’t matter at this point, I joined, I am going to go.  I am hopefully going to get healthier, its about time. 

I am very proud of this decision. 

Today, I was reading Issycat’s blog, she was talking about forming this relationship with her bio mom.  The post just seemed to ring so true for me.  Maybe not for the same reasons, but for the same basic reason of this is not a normal relationship you are forming.  And although, you have never met this woman, she is not a stranger. 

My bio-mom, my Meemo, was not a stranger.  Even from the first second I laid eyes on her.  I met her 24 years after she gave birth to me, but yet, how can you call someone with your face, your eyes, your likes and dislikes a stranger.  How do you form a relationship with this person even though it is so completely unlike any other relationship you will ever have in your life.  Its hard, its so hard.  Some days I don’t like it, some days I wish I could make it disappear.  This is so difficult to describe or to even say because it isn’t like I want HER to disappear, just this whole difficult phase of this difficult relationship. 

I hate forming relationships, I am a bit anti-social, and not all that great at forming relationships, much less keeping them.  For the most part I have bad luck, for the most part, people don’t really like me.  I get so frustrated with this relationship because for me, its a constant process.  Its constantly double thinking what I am doing, what I am saying.  Its a constant battle in my mind of, is this the right thing to say… no is ‘this’ the right thing to say.  Am I being too loud, am I being too annoying, do I come off as needy, did I do the right thing just there?  Oh shoot, I said the wrong thing!  Yes, this is a bit like my mental process when I am with her.  Or anyone new that I want to like me.  I have a hard time trusting my judgment, because I am not good at knowing what the right thing to do is.  One thing I am REALLY good at is saying whatever appears in my brain at that moment.  Impulsiveness, I am very impulsive and I speak impulsively, a lot.  I don’t always mean to come off the way I do, but unfortunately, it doesn’t always work.  Needless to say I have a lot of anxiety when it comes to forming relationships with people. 

My Meemo was no exception, if anything, she was like the worst case senario.  I only really get one shot at this.  If I totally screw it up, I don’t think I will have another chance, and if I do, there will always be that memory of screwing up to begin with.  It isn’t like a boyfriend, you have a boyfriend, you screw it up, you can find another. 

She is my one and only bio mom… she is the one and only woman who gave birth to me, the one and only who shares my genetic makeup.  I can’t find another Meemo, can’t walk into a store and buy one, can’t order one online or join an online mommy finding site.  I only have one.  God is that stressful.  Its like ok Jessie, here is your shot, don’t f*ck it up. 

Meemo and I are very very much alike.  Some of the things we have in common I just have to laugh at, others, are just kinda freaky.  Like all along, I really wasn’t that strange after all, or maybe I was and there was just someone else who was strange too 😉  However, we are very different in some ways.  One of them is how we react to people.  I tend to get very attached to people, she is on the opposite end of that spectrum.  I tend to want to be around the people I really care about, she likes her space (at least when it comes to me).  I tend to be overly sensitive to things, and she is something like a brick wall at times.  It makes this relationship interesting.  I suppose it worked that way for a reason, God (or whoever) is probably kinda looking down on us having a chuckle about it.   Surprisingly enough, for as much as we frustrate each other with our differences, it works.  I think if she were as clingy and mushy as I am we would intertwine and never come apart.  Very good thing that we aren’t. 

Sometimes I just feel like an outsider looking in.  I feel like I am lost in between two worlds.  I have an afamily, who I love, but I don’t completely feel like I am a part of.  My amom doesn’t really treat me like a daughter, although we are getting there.  I just never really felt like I belonged there.  I have a bfamily, who I love, but I don’t completely feel like I am a part of.  My bmom doesn’t really treat me like a daughter, although we are getting there.  I just don’t feel like I completely belong there either.  I feel like the lost child, the one who was given up and re-found but everything was so different that I never really fit anywhere.  Its like being in limbo, and never really knowing where you are going to land.  I know I am an adult, I don’t need a mother, but who doesn’t need a mother, and shit, I have two!!  Its just so difficult to describe.  The past is the past, and I would love to ignore it, but I can’t.  I can only make it more positive and be happy with the fact that it is the past.  Its over.  I just wish things could have been different, I wish I didn’t have to be lost.  I wish I didn’t have to spend all this time and all these emotions and all this stress over a relationship with someone.  When of all relationships this one should come naturally, it shouldn’t be so hard.  It should be simple and easy and painless.  Its not!!  I love her with all my heart, I just wish I could skip all this crap.  I wish I could just be able to do this without all the stress and wonder.  I wish it would just be simple.  I wish adoption would find a toilet and flush itself.


4 Responses to “Happy news and not so happy thoughts”

  1. mom2one Says:

    Oh, Jessie. I imagine it’s hard and confusing but wonderful at the same time.

    And this — “I wish adoption would find a toilet and flush itself” — was funny yet sad and poignant. What a great quote.

    *hugs* to you and Meemo. I’m sure it has to be exhausting for you. I’m glad that you can at least write it out. It may not help much, but it’s something. And here I am, at a loss for words and afraid I’m saying stupid things so I’ll just shut up now.

  2. Jessica Says:

    I know, Jessie. It’s hard. I don’t know if it’s any comfort, but a lot of bio kids raised by bio families feel that way. I have a friend whose mother had her at 17, did not give her up for adoption, instead resented her all her life for having “ruined her life”. Cool huh. My friend is in her 30s now, and every time she goes to see her parents there’s that potential for disaster. Even though it’s better than when she was younger.

    You have it extra hard because your difficulties are all multiplied times two. And your relationship with Meemo is just so new, and in a way so is your relationship with your amom, because YOU are changing, and that changes the relationship. It’ll work itsself out, trust me.

    And you come off as very likeable and sympathetic on this blog. 🙂

  3. Possum Says:

    Great news on the exercise regime.
    (maybe you’ll give me the motivation to get me off my big fat ass!!!!)
    I’m sorry that you’re finding this all so hard.
    It does really suck – anyway you look at it – doesn’t it??
    A good friend of mine asked recently whether it would be better to never know that you were adopted – just live the lie.
    Ultimately, I thought, it would be horrible to not know your whole life why you felt like a square peg in a round hole.
    I wish there were bloody answers to all of this Jessie. Anyway you look at it – whether it’s your situation, my situation – Issycat, Mia, Theresa, Rebecca – the lot – there NEVER seems to be a right way to do this – and that just leads me to really think – that ADOPTION just isn’t right.
    You seperate mother and child – and it just never gets any better.
    ADOPTION – the hurt that just keeps on giving!!!
    Sending you loads of hugs Miss J.
    Thinking of you. Poss. xxxxx

  4. joy21 Says:

    Yeah I know that feeling, that is why I like to retreat from both a lot.

    Its all so wincingly painful

    When you feel like that I find it is best to hang out with other adoptees and tell inappropriate jokes

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