I have some amazingly wonderful news. Ok maybe it isn’t so amazingly wonderful for all of you, but it is for me. I took a huge step today, huge. I got the courage up to join a gym/athletic club whatever you want to call it. ME! Now this may not seem all that unordinary, but I am not the gymming type. First off, I never liked gym class, I was never athletic, I was never into exercise. I am, for the most part, lazy. I don’t like to “do” things. However, I have found, as I get older, that things are becoming more difficult. Chasing children, walking up and down stairs, strenuous stuff, stuff that I used to be able to do without a problem. Not that I am having problems, but I know that some of these difficulties and my lack of any energy are in large part due to my weight (I am not skinny, or even almost skinny, or even chubby for that matter.) I decided that I need to do something about it. I don’t know what inspired me, I guess because I am going to have the next five months off school and I will actually have time to go to the gym. I don’t know. Doesn’t matter at this point, I joined, I am going to go. I am hopefully going to get healthier, its about time.
I am very proud of this decision.
Today, I was reading Issycat’s blog, she was talking about forming this relationship with her bio mom. The post just seemed to ring so true for me. Maybe not for the same reasons, but for the same basic reason of this is not a normal relationship you are forming. And although, you have never met this woman, she is not a stranger.
My bio-mom, my Meemo, was not a stranger. Even from the first second I laid eyes on her. I met her 24 years after she gave birth to me, but yet, how can you call someone with your face, your eyes, your likes and dislikes a stranger. How do you form a relationship with this person even though it is so completely unlike any other relationship you will ever have in your life. Its hard, its so hard. Some days I don’t like it, some days I wish I could make it disappear. This is so difficult to describe or to even say because it isn’t like I want HER to disappear, just this whole difficult phase of this difficult relationship.
I hate forming relationships, I am a bit anti-social, and not all that great at forming relationships, much less keeping them. For the most part I have bad luck, for the most part, people don’t really like me. I get so frustrated with this relationship because for me, its a constant process. Its constantly double thinking what I am doing, what I am saying. Its a constant battle in my mind of, is this the right thing to say… no is ‘this’ the right thing to say. Am I being too loud, am I being too annoying, do I come off as needy, did I do the right thing just there? Oh shoot, I said the wrong thing! Yes, this is a bit like my mental process when I am with her. Or anyone new that I want to like me. I have a hard time trusting my judgment, because I am not good at knowing what the right thing to do is. One thing I am REALLY good at is saying whatever appears in my brain at that moment. Impulsiveness, I am very impulsive and I speak impulsively, a lot. I don’t always mean to come off the way I do, but unfortunately, it doesn’t always work. Needless to say I have a lot of anxiety when it comes to forming relationships with people.
My Meemo was no exception, if anything, she was like the worst case senario. I only really get one shot at this. If I totally screw it up, I don’t think I will have another chance, and if I do, there will always be that memory of screwing up to begin with. It isn’t like a boyfriend, you have a boyfriend, you screw it up, you can find another.
She is my one and only bio mom… she is the one and only woman who gave birth to me, the one and only who shares my genetic makeup. I can’t find another Meemo, can’t walk into a store and buy one, can’t order one online or join an online mommy finding site. I only have one. God is that stressful. Its like ok Jessie, here is your shot, don’t f*ck it up.
Meemo and I are very very much alike. Some of the things we have in common I just have to laugh at, others, are just kinda freaky. Like all along, I really wasn’t that strange after all, or maybe I was and there was just someone else who was strange too ;) However, we are very different in some ways. One of them is how we react to people. I tend to get very attached to people, she is on the opposite end of that spectrum. I tend to want to be around the people I really care about, she likes her space (at least when it comes to me). I tend to be overly sensitive to things, and she is something like a brick wall at times. It makes this relationship interesting. I suppose it worked that way for a reason, God (or whoever) is probably kinda looking down on us having a chuckle about it. Surprisingly enough, for as much as we frustrate each other with our differences, it works. I think if she were as clingy and mushy as I am we would intertwine and never come apart. Very good thing that we aren’t.
Sometimes I just feel like an outsider looking in. I feel like I am lost in between two worlds. I have an afamily, who I love, but I don’t completely feel like I am a part of. My amom doesn’t really treat me like a daughter, although we are getting there. I just never really felt like I belonged there. I have a bfamily, who I love, but I don’t completely feel like I am a part of. My bmom doesn’t really treat me like a daughter, although we are getting there. I just don’t feel like I completely belong there either. I feel like the lost child, the one who was given up and re-found but everything was so different that I never really fit anywhere. Its like being in limbo, and never really knowing where you are going to land. I know I am an adult, I don’t need a mother, but who doesn’t need a mother, and shit, I have two!! Its just so difficult to describe. The past is the past, and I would love to ignore it, but I can’t. I can only make it more positive and be happy with the fact that it is the past. Its over. I just wish things could have been different, I wish I didn’t have to be lost. I wish I didn’t have to spend all this time and all these emotions and all this stress over a relationship with someone. When of all relationships this one should come naturally, it shouldn’t be so hard. It should be simple and easy and painless. Its not!! I love her with all my heart, I just wish I could skip all this crap. I wish I could just be able to do this without all the stress and wonder. I wish it would just be simple. I wish adoption would find a toilet and flush itself.