A moment in a thought

My thoughts, in my life, of adoption and other such things

This too shall pass March 28, 2007

Filed under: Adoptee,Adoption,Adoption reunion — Jessie @ 2:15 pm

I have so many things I want to write, and for the first time I am finding myself at a loss for words. 

By this time tomorrow, I will have had my first appointment at they gym… yikes.  My weight and measurement appointment.  YUCK.  I don’t really want to go to that.  I don’t really want someone with little body fat measuring pinchers to be measuring just how much of me is fat compared to how much isn’t.  I don’t think I want to know!!  I suppose maybe it will just be more motivation to actually GO to the gym.  More motivation to actually stick with it and see results, but BLAH.  I don’t want to go.  I am scared, I am nervous.  Damn me and my impulsive decisions sometimes!!! 

Adoption… hmmmmmm

What shall I say.  Meemo told me last night that the honeymoon period is over, finally, we lasted a hell of a long time on that.  However, now is the time that we discover who we really are.  See to me, I don’t feel as if anything radical has changed, I just feel like our relationship is still moving forward.  She’s having a hell of a time with it right now.  Not me necessarily, just life.  Life does that sometimes.  Don’t we all know it.  Life likes to hand you a million things and then sit back and watch as you scramble to make order of it once again.  I think life must get bored.  Its hard enough without this whole reunion thing thrown in.  Add that and you have hell in a hand-basket.  Some days I wish I could fix it for her.  Some days I wish I could run away because I feel that would make it easier for her.  Most days I just stand by and do what I can to remind myself that it isn’t all about me.  And it isn’t all my fault.  I just keep telling myself we will get through this.   She will get through all that is going on in her life.  This too shall pass.

To me, its quite amazing to know that we will.  I am not used to people sticking around.  Most don’t get past six months with me, they get sick of me by now.   I am sure she has had days where she is thinking, ‘can’t I send you back to where you came from!!’  However, love does funny things to people. 

This whole adoption process is just screwed up… look at all of us here.  Look at all of us, in different situations at different points in our lives and yet joined together by the one thing that has affected us all so deeply.  Adoption.  Whether we are searching or in reunion or just plain angry.  Its adoption, that common factor.  Its never spoken to me so much as now.  I feel such an array of different things.  Anger, frustration, pain, sorrow, hope.  Yes hope, I think there is hope for each of us.  That hope, and that knowledge that we are all stronger people because of this.  Sometimes I wonder how different life would be if I wasn’t touched by the adoption bug.  If I didn’t have to deal with this, if I didn’t have to have been that trapezoid peg in a square hole.  If I didn’t have to forge this relationship now.  If everything just didn’t have to be so damn hard. 

I wish I could say this too shall pass.  But it never really does, does it?  It never really goes away, never passes, never moves on.  Its always there, in the back of your mind.  Adoption.  The big freaking A word.


6 Responses to “This too shall pass”

  1. Amy Says:

    Hmmff cant a person go through a midlife crisis in peace. 🙂

  2. Yes, the big fat A word. Yeah, people don’t usually get past the 6 month marker with me either. But then again, maybe we adoptees are a wee bit much to handle for those who cannot fathom what we go through.

    Im sure things will work themselves out in time. Unfortunately, there is no adoptee handbook out there.


  3. issycat Says:

    It is very, very screwed up.

  4. Possum Says:

    Hey chicklette,
    There has been a lightning strike inside my head!!!
    I’ve worked out (at last) one awesome outcome of my adoption………………………
    I met you. (and the many gorgeous souls here in blogging-land)
    And I’m so very glad I did.
    (I’m not going anywhere either – no matter how hard you push!!!)
    Yeah – and let poor Amy have her mid-life crisis in peace!!!!! :oP
    Sending you hugs – and thinking of you.
    Keep writing – whatever sprouts forth from your head. Amy is a pretty together women (when she’s not mid-life crisis-ing) and she knows that you need this space to dump the crap that forms in all of us adoptees and mums. Better out – than in.
    Hug yourself – right NOW – and tell yourself that you are a beautiful person – AND that you are loved by many.
    Possum -> pointing at you – and pointing at
    my eye
    my heart
    then again at you.
    Poss. xxx

  5. Jessie Says:

    Bijou, yeah… I think maybe it is that, that big A word that makes us adoptee’s so difficult to get on with sometimes. Its so hard for those who don’t understand to know how we feel.
    Issy… thanks for the response 🙂
    Possum!!! What can I say! I love this blogging stuff too, it has helped me so much, and I am glad to know that I have helped someone else 🙂
    Im glad you aren’t going anywhere too.

  6. ani Says:

    this post really hit home, especially this week.

    thanks for making me feel not so alone, once again the adoptees that blog make me feel more real and normal then anything else,

    but yes I to have hope, funny that you mention this.


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