I have so many things I want to write, and for the first time I am finding myself at a loss for words.
By this time tomorrow, I will have had my first appointment at they gym… yikes. My weight and measurement appointment. YUCK. I don’t really want to go to that. I don’t really want someone with little body fat measuring pinchers to be measuring just how much of me is fat compared to how much isn’t. I don’t think I want to know!! I suppose maybe it will just be more motivation to actually GO to the gym. More motivation to actually stick with it and see results, but BLAH. I don’t want to go. I am scared, I am nervous. Damn me and my impulsive decisions sometimes!!!
What shall I say. Meemo told me last night that the honeymoon period is over, finally, we lasted a hell of a long time on that. However, now is the time that we discover who we really are. See to me, I don’t feel as if anything radical has changed, I just feel like our relationship is still moving forward. She’s having a hell of a time with it right now. Not me necessarily, just life. Life does that sometimes. Don’t we all know it. Life likes to hand you a million things and then sit back and watch as you scramble to make order of it once again. I think life must get bored. Its hard enough without this whole reunion thing thrown in. Add that and you have hell in a hand-basket. Some days I wish I could fix it for her. Some days I wish I could run away because I feel that would make it easier for her. Most days I just stand by and do what I can to remind myself that it isn’t all about me. And it isn’t all my fault. I just keep telling myself we will get through this. She will get through all that is going on in her life. This too shall pass.
To me, its quite amazing to know that we will. I am not used to people sticking around. Most don’t get past six months with me, they get sick of me by now. I am sure she has had days where she is thinking, ‘can’t I send you back to where you came from!!’ However, love does funny things to people.
This whole adoption process is just screwed up… look at all of us here. Look at all of us, in different situations at different points in our lives and yet joined together by the one thing that has affected us all so deeply. Adoption. Whether we are searching or in reunion or just plain angry. Its adoption, that common factor. Its never spoken to me so much as now. I feel such an array of different things. Anger, frustration, pain, sorrow, hope. Yes hope, I think there is hope for each of us. That hope, and that knowledge that we are all stronger people because of this. Sometimes I wonder how different life would be if I wasn’t touched by the adoption bug. If I didn’t have to deal with this, if I didn’t have to have been that trapezoid peg in a square hole. If I didn’t have to forge this relationship now. If everything just didn’t have to be so damn hard.
I wish I could say this too shall pass. But it never really does, does it? It never really goes away, never passes, never moves on. Its always there, in the back of your mind. Adoption. The big freaking A word.