A moment in a thought

My thoughts, in my life, of adoption and other such things

I couldn’t have written it better April 28, 2007

Filed under: Adoptee,Adoption — Jessie @ 10:31 am

THIS (click link) is how I feel (minus the new look to the blog), it is how life for an adoptee is.  Its not nearly as bad as some think, but there is always those expectations, those secret things, on top of everything else.

Written originally and amazingly by Possum.

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I’m Back! :) April 26, 2007

Filed under: Adoptee,Adoption,Adoption reunion — Jessie @ 1:57 pm

Ok… well I feel refreshed 🙂 

I wish taking a break from life were as easy as taking a break from a blog.  Whew that would be nice. 

I feel like I have at least gotten my priorities back in a row anyway.  This adoption thing is so hard, it really is.  Expessially when one allows themselves to actually deal with the pain of it. 

I think (actually I know) for a long time it was just easier for me to ignore it.  I don’t remember being adopted, infants don’t remember things nicely,  it was never really real to me.  Sure I wondered about my biological roots, I wondered about a lot of things.  I spent many nights staring out into the sky and wondering if there was someone out there staring back.  However, it was never real to me.  I don’t think I ever allowed myself to accept that I was truly adopted, that it really did make a difference in me.  Sure I accepted it, but I never really ACCEPTED it, I never allowed myself to feel it, I never dealt with it. 

For a great many years, well up until I started looking, I assumed that my bio mom must have just forgotten about me.  I figured how else would someone deal with giving up their baby?  I assumed that I was gone, forgotten, never to really be thought about again.  I figured she had just gone on with her life without me, never to glance back again.  I didn’t know if she held me, or saw me.  I didn’t know what she was like, I only knew the tid bits of information that my parents had told me over the years.   A lot of which I wondered about, if it were true, if it wasn’t.  I never really knew, so I chose to ignore, and just never let it bother me. 

I was told my bio mother wanted to name me Amy (which is wrong, its actually HER name, she named me Bethany), the name Amy rang in my head for a long long time.  I knew what my bio fathers name was, and imagined this perfect world where they were married and Amy Cupp would be my name.  I never allowed myself to think much about it, but found myself doodling the name on papers anyway.  I was told my bio mother never had any children (also wrong, she has two sons) and I wondered if giving me up was too much for her to handle, or perhaps she didn’t really like children at all.  I was told that she looked something like me (mind you my parents glimpsed her once, for a second, and she was all of 17) so I found myself wondering if I would run into some stranger with a resemblance to me.   I imagined her to be this wonderful person, and nothing at all like me.  That was always there, that wonder, but it was never much of anything beyond that, a wonder, an itch perhaps, to know what she looked like, what her name was.  I don’t think I ever really thought I wanted to meet her, I always said that I wished I could just know where she was so I could see her, just look at her, so I could know what she looked like, who I came from.   I never wanted her to know me, because after all, adoption didn’t bother me.  Oh no, nope not at all, I was totally fine with it.

Then I get an email, an email that said Hi, I am Amy.  Whoa… wait a minute… holy sh%t.  Emails progressed, next thing you know I am actually MEETING this woman!!  WHAT?!?!?!  What happened to just wanting to look at her.  What happened to all that. 

What happened to adoption not bothering me??? 

I’ll tell ya what happened to that, that flew right out the freaking window when I looked at her, when I heard her voice, when I saw her face.  When I finally, fully and honestly accepted what adoption really meant (24 years late) and what it really meant to me, and how I really felt about that. 

I had to deal with the emotions of 24 years of not knowing that this, this A word, this stuff, really affected me.  That adoption has affected me and so many aspects of my life for every year I have lived it.  It was like a ton of concrete landing on me, threatening to close me in. 

The fact that all these years, it turns out I wasn’t wrong after all.  I wasn’t bad, and who I was wasn’t terrible, it was just her.  It was just my genetics.  All these years there was someone else in the world like me.

Not to mention nobody said anything about how difficult it was going to be to form this relationship to begin with. 

HELLO! 

Ok, anywho, I have breathed, I am better now.  I have worked out things inside my head.  I have worked out things with my Meemo (hopefully now I won’t drive her insane anymore 🙂 )

I am ready to take this head on, and positively again.  Everyone needs a little positive, and I am it!!  For as much as adoption is difficult… life would be way, way too boring without a challenge. 

I have accepted my challenge

 

A moment to those whose lives are torn apart April 18, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jessie @ 12:50 pm

I am taking a small hiatus from my blogging vacation to mention something I believe is worth mentioning. 

For all the crisis’ in our own personal lives, for all the crisis’ and emotions in my own personal life, is nothing compared to the devastation that is happening around us.

My heart, my prayers and my thoughts go out to those who lost their lives in the Virginia Tech massacre.  It brings back memories from the day’s of Columbine and the Amish shootings.  It breaks my heart to hear the stories, to see the sad faces, and realize the devastation of many lives torn apart. 

My prayers to the ones who lost their lives, and even more for the loved ones left behind.  I can think of nothing worse than losing someone you love.  Losing someone you love to such a tragedy is even more painful.  To all those who are suffering, to all those who survived that hell.  I feel for them.

I am asking all of you, all of you out there who see this, read this, take a moment to say a prayer or send hope and love to those who are suffering.  Not only at Virginia Tech but to the many others whose lives have been torn apart. 

The years it will take for the recovery of this, everything.  I feel for them, and I feel for their pain. 

 

Dear Blogging World April 16, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jessie @ 5:49 pm

After having spent far too much time thinking today.  I have decided that I need to take a break from it all. 

I have lost my purpose, I have lost my hope.  And last night, I found myself at my Meemo’s house crying in a dark room on the couch over a dead bug on the ceiling. 

I have realized that I have allowed my emotions to take over far far too much of my life.  I have realized that I have regressed greatly and turned into a miserable and immature child just wishing for her mother.  Neither of whom can give me what I need.  It is unfair of me to expect from my bio mom anything that I have come to expect.  It is unfair that I have come into her life and wormed my way into everything when in all reality the progression of things should have been much much slower.   It is unfair that I have expected things that I never should have.  It is unfair that I have allowed myself to become so engrossed in it. 

I have realized that I am acting like a child, its time I act like the adult that I am.

It is unfair that I have lost myself in this world of adoption thinking, adoption feeling.  Its all so new to me as I have denied myself the truth for so many years.  I need to back up, I need to breathe. 

Most of all I need to realize that life doesn’t revolve around these things. 

I am taking a break, a few days, a few weeks, who knows.  I don’t. 

Right now I am going to concentrate on finishing school.  Concentrate on the projects that need to be done.  And concentrate on progressing myself back to the place where I need to be.  Not that place that I have been lately. 

So talk to you later blog world.  Don’t you worry, I will be back.  I love you all 🙂

 

If everyone cares, nobody cries April 14, 2007

Filed under: Adoptee,Adoption,Adoption reunion — Jessie @ 5:50 pm

I hate my mother.

Wow, what a strong statement, sometimes I don’t even think I realize that I feel things until they come out somehow.  I realized, and have realized a lot lately, that I really do foster a lot of unhappy feelings towards my mother.  My amother I should specify here.  I love her, but I hate her. 

I have tried very hard lately, and I think even succeded in a lot of small ways in changing our relationship, making it better.  I feel good about that, because after all, for as much as I hate her sometimes, I do love her, she is my mother. 

I havn’t spoken a lot about what it was like for me growing up, mostly because I feel like it must hurt my Meemo to know.  The first time I spoke to her, the first time we connected, was a phone call on Sept 12th 2006.  The very first question she asked me, right after we both cleared our tears enough to speak, was “did you have a good life?”  I choked on the question.  I answered “yes” because A.  I didn’t have a bad life, and B.  How in the world was I going to tell the woman who has wondered about me for 24 years of her life that I didn’t have it good.  Yes Meemo, I had a good life. 

My life has been much better than a lot of peoples.  I had things, stuff material possesions that were better than a lot of my friends.  I lived in a house that was the envy of the neighborhood.  The one where the farmers and average workers drove by and said, I would like to live in a house like that someday.  My mother was involved in my life, my father was involved in my life.  We were the perfect family, everyone thought so. 

There was just one problem.

Me.

I didn’t really fit into that perfect family mode. 

From the time I was a young child I was always different.  I didn’t want to be held a lot as an infant, I preferred to do my own thing, I was ‘independant and difficult’ as my mother would say to me.  I didn’t want her love, I wasn’t the cute cuddly innocent infant that my mother could cuddle with on the couch.  Nope, I was a loud screaming infant who didn’t want to sleep at night and learned how to climb out of my crib at nine months old.  I grew into a tantrum throwing toddler who didn’t want to listen, and a defiant child. 

My mother likes to tell me that I ‘fought’ with her every step of the way.  I fought, and fought and fought, I never liked to be held, I never wanted her love.  I didn’t want anything she had to offer me. 

Needless to say, my amother and I never bonded.  I was never the child she wished me to be.

She couldn’t be the parent I needed her to be. 

I blamed myself for YEARS for this.  After all, the blame was always placed on me, after a while, it just got easier to take it than to fight it.  I got tired of fighting.  We fought almost every day, about everything.  Doesn’t matter where we were, what we were doing, she would find something to scream at me about.  Aparantly she thought screaming was the only way to get through to me.  She was so wrong.   To this day, I completely shut down if I am yelled at.  Its a defense mechanism, one I developed a long, long time ago.  I can shut off parts of my brain so I don’t have to hear or feel anything.  So that I can’t be touched, and can’t be hurt.  So that I can’t hear the mean and nasty things my mother is screaming at me. 

Everyone needs someone to protect them, I learned to be my own protector. 

I was blamed for the havoc and turmoil that I caused in my household.  I was blamed for my mothers illness, one which she almost died from.  I was blamed in ways for my parents divorce, one of the things my mother told me is that Dad hated all the fighting.  He hated coming home to a house in chaos, he wanted it calm, and blamed my mother for not being able to keep it calm.  She blamed me.  Apparently for not being able to not make her angry, because it wasn’t my fault she chose to scream at me for hours.  My father didn’t come home until 5:30, 6…. I got home at 2:30, you would think the screaming matches would have been over by the time he got there, but they never were.   I dreaded hearing the garage door opening, letting me know he was home.  Because I knew it wouldn’t be long before he joined in, rehashing everything that had been said a million times and a million different ways already. 

Why don’t you ever learn?  Jessie, why can’t you just learn?

I guess I never even understood why I couldn’t learn, why I always screwed up, why I fought everything.  Maybe I was fighting for me, maybe I was just fighting, maybe.  I don’t really know. 

All I know is the past is painful, I don’t like to think about it.  I would much rather pretend it just didn’t exist.  It hurts me.  I hate that, its over but it still hurts me. 

And the worst part of it all? 

The worst part is now, when I can look at the woman who in all reality was the one who naturally was supposed to have raised me.  The hole in which I actually fit in.  The place where I actually belong to.  Its just another slap in the face, just another pain I have to accept.  Just another thing saying, Jessie, I’m sorry life sucked, here’s one more to add…

That wasn’t really the life you were supposed to have. 

 

Questions and thoughts April 4, 2007

Filed under: Adoptee,Adoption,Adoption reunion — Jessie @ 2:25 pm

Hmm  How do I begin this, how do I write without stepping on toes.  Maybe that is my problem, when I blog, I am so concerned about stepping on toes sometimes my true feelings don’t always come out. 

Am I happy, oh yes, I am happier now that I have been in a long, long, long time.  Probably since childhood.  I have fought with depression and low self esteem since I was about 12.  I don’t remember a time where I was as consistently happy as I am now.  And let me say, it feels good. 

However, am I always happy… NO!  Not even close.  This reunion, life, dealing with my amom, all of this weighs on my mind constantly.  Like an annoying bug that just wont go away, its always there.  Particularly this reuinion and the adoption issues that go with it.  I have said I feel like a lost child, and I do.  This is so very true.  I feel like I have been lost in the world, that I have no one that fights on my side.  It seems sometimes, like everyone has passed the buck so to speak when it comes to me. 

Fortunately I am strong, I fight and I fight hard.  The hardest person I fight for is me, but it took me ever so long to get there.  It took me ever so much effort to get to that point.  However, it can be done.  I think each and every person is a fighter, sometimes we all just have to look inside for that inner fight. 

Sometimes, I think, I just get sick of fighting.  Sometimes it gets to the point where I wish I could just make it all go away.  All of it!  I wish I could go somewhere in my mind where I didn’t have to think the millions of thoughts that plague me every second of every day.  I came from a place in my mind where nothing could touch me, unfortunately now that I have worked through that, everything touches me. 

Adoption has touched me, It has touched so very many of us!  It isn’t pleasant, in most situations, it seems to cause a lot of pain.

Sometimes I wish adoption would leave, that no one would have to deal with it.  But this, I think, is a fairy tale.  Should everyone keep their babies, despite the situations they are in?  Would it have been fair to me, to my Meemo, if she was forced to keep me.  She was 17 years old, still a child herself.  She had lost her father to cancer, she lost her mother to her fathers death, while she was still around, I don’t think she was there for my Meemo in the way that was needed.  Her five older siblings were grown up and out of the house.  Should she have been forced to keep me?  She had no support, she had no one, she was all alone, and she knew that she was in no way ready to raise a child completely on her own.  No way.  So she gave me the best option SHE had. 

She gave me up. 

Should mothers who prostitute their daughters have children?  If they get pregnant, don’t you think that adoption would be a good choice, and give these children a chance? 

Adoption is never the first choice, it is never the BEST option… Never… anytime you separate a child from its mother is never the best option.  I think that maybe sometimes its a better option.   There are so many questions… so many that are unanswerable maybe.  All I know is that the adoption factor is larger than many people think.  It hurts more than many people think. 

Just look at me, I was in denial, for so long, about the effects of it on me.  Sometimes I wish I could go back to that place, that place where I didn’t think it bothered me so much.  That place where I didn’t love my mother, my real mother, so much that it hurt.  That place where I was safe from that, safe from having to think twice about everything.  Safe from the pain of it. 

I have a couple questions… Just questions

Who is responsible for the adopted child?  Should it be only the aparents, they take complete responsibility for the child, for their mistakes that they make.  And for accepting that the child is adopted and not THEIR child?

Should the bio- mother take responsibility? Obviously not for the child growing up, but after reunion?  After all, the child is there because of the choices and actions of the bmother. 

Should the bio- father have responsibility in this too? Even though in so many situations, he isn’t even available.

Just thoughts…

 

Oh I’m an angry muffin April 3, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jessie @ 8:28 pm

I am angry

I am sad

I want to write it

But I can’t

I want to scream it

But I wont

I will keep it inside

I will

Because there is no other choice

Than that