A moment in a thought

My thoughts, in my life, of adoption and other such things

Questions and thoughts April 4, 2007

Filed under: Adoptee,Adoption,Adoption reunion — Jessie @ 2:25 pm

Hmm  How do I begin this, how do I write without stepping on toes.  Maybe that is my problem, when I blog, I am so concerned about stepping on toes sometimes my true feelings don’t always come out. 

Am I happy, oh yes, I am happier now that I have been in a long, long, long time.  Probably since childhood.  I have fought with depression and low self esteem since I was about 12.  I don’t remember a time where I was as consistently happy as I am now.  And let me say, it feels good. 

However, am I always happy… NO!  Not even close.  This reunion, life, dealing with my amom, all of this weighs on my mind constantly.  Like an annoying bug that just wont go away, its always there.  Particularly this reuinion and the adoption issues that go with it.  I have said I feel like a lost child, and I do.  This is so very true.  I feel like I have been lost in the world, that I have no one that fights on my side.  It seems sometimes, like everyone has passed the buck so to speak when it comes to me. 

Fortunately I am strong, I fight and I fight hard.  The hardest person I fight for is me, but it took me ever so long to get there.  It took me ever so much effort to get to that point.  However, it can be done.  I think each and every person is a fighter, sometimes we all just have to look inside for that inner fight. 

Sometimes, I think, I just get sick of fighting.  Sometimes it gets to the point where I wish I could just make it all go away.  All of it!  I wish I could go somewhere in my mind where I didn’t have to think the millions of thoughts that plague me every second of every day.  I came from a place in my mind where nothing could touch me, unfortunately now that I have worked through that, everything touches me. 

Adoption has touched me, It has touched so very many of us!  It isn’t pleasant, in most situations, it seems to cause a lot of pain.

Sometimes I wish adoption would leave, that no one would have to deal with it.  But this, I think, is a fairy tale.  Should everyone keep their babies, despite the situations they are in?  Would it have been fair to me, to my Meemo, if she was forced to keep me.  She was 17 years old, still a child herself.  She had lost her father to cancer, she lost her mother to her fathers death, while she was still around, I don’t think she was there for my Meemo in the way that was needed.  Her five older siblings were grown up and out of the house.  Should she have been forced to keep me?  She had no support, she had no one, she was all alone, and she knew that she was in no way ready to raise a child completely on her own.  No way.  So she gave me the best option SHE had. 

She gave me up. 

Should mothers who prostitute their daughters have children?  If they get pregnant, don’t you think that adoption would be a good choice, and give these children a chance? 

Adoption is never the first choice, it is never the BEST option… Never… anytime you separate a child from its mother is never the best option.  I think that maybe sometimes its a better option.   There are so many questions… so many that are unanswerable maybe.  All I know is that the adoption factor is larger than many people think.  It hurts more than many people think. 

Just look at me, I was in denial, for so long, about the effects of it on me.  Sometimes I wish I could go back to that place, that place where I didn’t think it bothered me so much.  That place where I didn’t love my mother, my real mother, so much that it hurt.  That place where I was safe from that, safe from having to think twice about everything.  Safe from the pain of it. 

I have a couple questions… Just questions

Who is responsible for the adopted child?  Should it be only the aparents, they take complete responsibility for the child, for their mistakes that they make.  And for accepting that the child is adopted and not THEIR child?

Should the bio- mother take responsibility? Obviously not for the child growing up, but after reunion?  After all, the child is there because of the choices and actions of the bmother. 

Should the bio- father have responsibility in this too? Even though in so many situations, he isn’t even available.

Just thoughts…


27 Responses to “Questions and thoughts”

  1. kim.kim Says:

    Great post. Your blog is really amazing.

  2. […] This post by Jessie really made me think.   […]

  3. di0 Says:

    This post made me think too.

  4. Amy Says:

    To confuse things, you ask who is responsible for the child after reunion. After reunion the child is no longer in this scenario. The child has grown to an adult and is now responsible for themselves.
    Also not clear on what you mean by responsible. Responsible for their actions? Responsible for their emotional well being? Financially? Would bmoms shy away from reunion if they feared it came with extra responsibility?

  5. Amy Says:

    Wow, that looks kinda snotty and not what I meant at all. 🙂

  6. joyceregina Says:

    Hi: I couldnt resist not answering at all! Perhaps it was the first line that was the impact. Step on anyones toes. Not ever will that be said again. The awareness which is being published on these blogs is too significant. If we could change what was some fourty years ago, but we cant. Birthmothers should know where their child is going. Adoptees should know where they are travelling to. If they so choose to come out from their dark places. And speaking of dark places, Why is that? If you take a child because you want to love them, We should also know that child. You have no right to OWN it. The point here is everyone needs council and open communications. Stop using scare tactics against that birthmom. Wonder how many really wanted or thought about giving up their child if they had help. Responsibility!! NO, Financial!! NO. But I dont need guilt either. I lived enough of it. Now I sound angry. But then, its your blog. Maybe you are searching? And maybe mine isnt and doesnt give a rats ass about it all. I dont even know that.
    Tks for letting me in.

  7. Jessie Says:

    I guess what I was trying to say is responsibility for the emotional well being of the adoptee…
    Not responsibility nessisarily because the adoptee in reunion is in most cases an adult, but responsibility for the fact that the adoptee is in pain BECAUSE of the adoption, and the adoption is the direct result of the bio mothers choices. Perhaps responsibility for the actions of the bio-mother that resulted in the adoption in the first place. However, I am probably very far off on this and if this comment offends anyone, please feel free to ignore it. Half the time I don’t know what I mean.

  8. erika Says:

    interesting post.we can only really write about our own experiences and try to find common ground.adoption isnt always the mothers choice,well it wasnt for me.i agree with you totally.it affects people to the very core of our being.

  9. Jessie Says:

    I know that adoption isn’t always the mothers choice, I do know this. I totally know this, I have read heartwrenching stories of babies taken away, which is soooo sooooo horrible. In that case, it is compleatly different. I wasn’t meaning to offend ANYONE and feel compleatly and wholly for those who did NOT make the choice, and I am so sorry that that choice was taken from you Erika, that is compleatly unfair.
    This post wasn’t about that. It was mainly about the feelings that I am having, moreso than others.
    Again, I am sorry if I offend anyone with this.

  10. imtina Says:

    Adoptees are always worrying about stepping on toes. It becomes part of our nature so that no one will send us away. I just wrote about feeling that way too. You are great to wade through all your issues and put it out there. Adoption and reunion are hard.


  11. Possum Says:

    I hear you Jessie – and I know how much you’re hurting.
    Especially as you have only recently ‘come out of the fog’.
    This is your space to blurb whatever you want to blurb – you have to voice things – to try and make sense of them in your head.
    Thinking of you.
    Poss. xxxxx

  12. cloudscome Says:

    Jessie you don’t have to apologize for what you say. You are thinking out loud and it rings true. I think mothers always have the connection to their child, even if they never get reunion. Parents are responsible in the sense of having given life but I think that doesn’t mean they owe anything to their adult children… Just acknowledgement of their part in the life. I would hope every parent would be willing to pass on the family history and share their herritage with their children, however distant the relationship becomes. Rejoicing and affirmation would be nice too.

  13. buddy Says:

    man oh man this is all so raw and mostly rough stuff jessie.I am a birth dad and my baby was born @ edna gladney in f/worth tx in 1969, to this day i`m amazed @ how involved i was`nt,i was`nt a good guy when i could`ve been,i was totally fine w/having virtualy no input (i was 18),The deciders and i`m placing them in the order of having their wishes followed, the local doc,we were in a small south tx town an they swung alot of weight @ that time,he recomended gladney, then her mom, then her dad. my girlfriend (16 yrs old) had no say and like i`d said earlier nobody ask me a thing. Until she was shipped off i would go to her house @ nite and we`d play cards and i have very fond memories of that brief time, i went to gladney to see her once, when she came back she was`nt the same i could see the hurt,could hear it when i talked to her,i` not talking about anything small, she was hurting,she told me we had a beautiful baby girl and she was able to hold her once then our baby was gone, that statement was the beginning of so many yrs of hurt and regret for me,i knew and had been told what a fairytale adoption is,a win win for everyone especially the adoptee and i believed it i guess,me and her mom grew apart and i moved about 100 miles away but i thought about my daughter daily and believed she was doing good but thru the yrs began to realize how terribly wrong i had been about the decisions i had made re my daughter and they haunted me,i got married and told my wife (before we married)i had a daughter out there somewhere. we had three children and i do love them so .around 1996 the mother of my firstborn tracked me down and gave me a call,the instant i heard her voice i knew she had word of our daughter, thank goodness she had kept sending gladney her whereabouts yrly so when our daughter made an inquiry there she was,needless to say i was ecstatic,they had already met and she wanted to meet me but it might take a little time due mostly to the toes that were fixin to get stepped on,my wife (whom i am now separated from)thought it would come to no good and my brother and sis thought the same way,my oldest was in college and the other 2 were in high school,i corresponded w/my daughter via phone and email and oh my gosh her voice was a heartshot,there`s no one to blame for what happened next but me,due to the turmoil @ my house i quit answering her letters,returning calls or email and things were back to normal @ my house except i was in hell and did`nt know what to do,periodically she would call my mobile but i could`nt bring myself to answer,i`m so lucky she never gave up on me,i started my day trying to figure out how to make things right and ended them the same way,by this time all my kids were in college and i was working out of town a lot,one nite when i was out of town i had gone to bed and about 12;30 or 1 i got a call and w/o checking caller id i answered and it was her,my baby, i could`nt begin to tell her how sorry i was and how much i thought of her and how much i loved her,that was 4 1/2 yrs ago we talk every day and spend time together 3 or 4 times a yr, my three and her hit it off and they each have a special relation w/her,we could`nt be happier,the only fly in the ointment are her aparents,from what i`ve read i think they`re fairly typical,it seems to me that most aparents demand loyalty and gratitude and can really do a number on my girl when their toes get stepped on adoption needs a major overhaul,all this “as if born to” and “chosen” terminology is crap and for it to work the aparents, and i would guess the majority of them are fairly intelligent, well they have to pretend they we`rnt infertile and then they pretend they actualy had a baby that in reality was taken from some young pregnant vulnerable teenage mother and handed over to strangers w/a checkbook who now get to call theirselves mother and father, thanks for letting me vent

  14. Jessie Says:

    Wow, Buddy, what a story!! Thank you soo much for venting! I actually apreciate it because I wonder where the birth fathers fit in all this sometimes! Hence the reason I asked about them too. I wonder if they feel pain over it, or if it is just nothing to them. I have never met my bio-dad, don’t really have an intrest to because I don’t believe he has ever had an interest in me. However, I have always been curious if there are biological fathers out there who are in pain due to this adoption process too. Obviously as you just proved, there are!
    I hope things continue to go well with your daughter and you. Thank you so much for posting that comment.

  15. Amy Says:

    Thanks for sharing Buddy.

  16. joyceregina@aol.com Says:

    Hi Buddy: Thanks, a great tribute. And a lot of it needed to be said. About time, the other half of the story comes out. Not everything is black and white!
    And to each in their own time and their own way

  17. joyceregina@aol.com Says:

    Nice going, Buddy
    Its about time the other half shows what it feels like. Not everything is black and white!

    Best to you.

  18. momseekingpeace Says:

    My sons natural father is wants to know his son and be in his life too.

    Buddy, do you have a blog? It would be great for you to start one.


  19. Jessie Says:

    That is amazing MSP… I have always wondered about the bio dads. I guess sometimes I am curious, and you don’t hear from the bio fathers often, which was why I was so excited about Buddy’s comment.
    I am glad your son’s natural father wants to be in his life… expecially for a son, to know his father, its so important sometimes, to know all sides of the story.

  20. Justice Says:

    This was painful for me to read. But there is no reason for you to be sorry for it. They’re your feelings and you’re dealing with them and sharing for those of us that want to know.

    If I take offense to your feelings that’s MY problem, not your business!!! That said, I hope you don’t mind me sharing mine…

    The part that really made me squirm was the last bit about responsibility for the adoptee. I’ve tripped & fallen on a lot of guilt about my responsibility and lack of demonstrated responsibility for my daughter. Sometimes I have to look at the word differently, response able = able to respond.

    My heart is pounding. I am aching to respond. Sometimes my response is not meeting the need. I am unable to respond in the way I want. I don’t “make” her happy and secure. I am learning to be more able to respond.

    “What choice do we have but to go on?”

  21. Jessie Says:

    Justice, thank you for your response. Its perfectly ok that we all have different feelings. Sometimes I think that is what makes the blogs so great, because it helps to look at all sides, instead of just your own.
    It wasn’t meant to make anyone feel guilty, and reading it after your responce, I realize that it could very much.
    Sometimes we get caught up in our own pain, that we forget about the pain of others. I am the type of person who likes to hear the story from all sides, and from all types.
    Not everyone can provide what is needed all the time, because we have to take care of ourselves as well.
    You are right, and I like your quote,
    Response able = able to respond.
    Thank you, for your words. I don’t mean to hurt others, I just speak what I feel and think… and honestly, I didn’t have much of a thought, I was wondering what others were thinking.

  22. Bdad Says:

    Buddy, glad you commented, nice to see another B-dad. I can identify with a lot of what you say in situation, thoughts, and feelings. I was an 18 yr old B-dad in 74.

    Jessie, thanks for sharing your thoughts. Adoption creates a lot of confusion.
    Once that door of closed adoption is opened I don’t know how it can be closed without a lot of pain, But dam it also brings a lot of hard questions to the surface. Jessie I am glad you are thinking out loud. I wish I had a better idea what my sons thoughts and needs are.

  23. Jessie Says:

    Thanks for commenting Bdad… I am so glad you did! I am really excited to hear from the ‘other’ side!!
    Adoption is confusing, it does bring a lot of stuff to the surface! I hope you and your son can work stuff out. Reunion is amazing… and amazingly HARD!
    Thanks again 🙂

  24. Erin_d_a Says:

    as an adoptive mom, I am interested in the adoptees story. I don’t want sugar coated stuff, I want to know your pov because someday I’m going to have to cross bridges with my bee and I want to hear from the other side. Thanks for being a voice. Don’t worry about stepping on my toes 🙂

  25. asacrificiallamb Says:

    Who is responsible for the emotional well-being of adult adoptees?

    I could say the adoption agencies, who knew so much more than they told the mothers, who knew so much more than they told adoptive parents.

    But, ultimately, it is each and every one of us. Doing the right things in life is often terribly HARD.

    It’s always easier to believe lies and deny truth when the truth is hard. It’s easier, too, because that’s what people around you believe. Easier not to rock the boat, be different, maybe make enemies.

    If we want to do the hard stuff and get to the truth, we have to educate ourselves, face painful facts, and act on them. That’s hard. And it’s hard to be brave and go against the flow of the people around you.

    Some adoptive parents choose not to believe their adopted child experienced any loss, any trauma. Some mothers who surrender choose not to believe this, too. But that’s the easy way out. It’s closing your eyes when they put the needle in your arm. Don’t. LOOK.

    The easy way out (which is a short-term action) ends up hurting others. For life.

    I realize all this theorizing and philosophizing is not really an answer. And I understand your need to point the finger somewhere appropriate, somewhere satisfying. But anger doesn’t just point the finger; it points the way.

    I consider myself responsible. And, being responsible means discouraging the easy way and encouraging the hard way in others – and helping them see why – so that maybe the next generation won’t suffer like we do.

    – Lambie

  26. joyceregina Says:

    Love your blog,Jessie
    Lambie great job. And here we have a new bill A2277 on the floor in N.Y. Need letters. Adoptee Rights to get their orig. BC and origins. 70 yr old law.
    Assemblymember Speaker Sheldon Silver, LOB 932, Albany, N.Y. 12248. No more sealed records, no gov should prevent an adopted adult their birh right (certificates) And maybe the next generation is how we send out the poison pen letters today.

    Thank you Jessie, You are amazing.

  27. joy21 Says:

    I hope you don’t feel bad for asking questions and having thoughts Jessie, as adoptees, we are so often just treated like property, and people don’t want to to hear our thoughts, think about our emotional well-being etc, because it calls their own role into question.

    But we take on soooooo much already just by virtue of being put into the situation we are in, please don’t feel guilty, that is all I am really trying to say, I know it is easier said than done, have my own adoptee guilt to deal with.

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