Hmm How do I begin this, how do I write without stepping on toes. Maybe that is my problem, when I blog, I am so concerned about stepping on toes sometimes my true feelings don’t always come out.
Am I happy, oh yes, I am happier now that I have been in a long, long, long time. Probably since childhood. I have fought with depression and low self esteem since I was about 12. I don’t remember a time where I was as consistently happy as I am now. And let me say, it feels good.
However, am I always happy… NO! Not even close. This reunion, life, dealing with my amom, all of this weighs on my mind constantly. Like an annoying bug that just wont go away, its always there. Particularly this reuinion and the adoption issues that go with it. I have said I feel like a lost child, and I do. This is so very true. I feel like I have been lost in the world, that I have no one that fights on my side. It seems sometimes, like everyone has passed the buck so to speak when it comes to me.
Fortunately I am strong, I fight and I fight hard. The hardest person I fight for is me, but it took me ever so long to get there. It took me ever so much effort to get to that point. However, it can be done. I think each and every person is a fighter, sometimes we all just have to look inside for that inner fight.
Sometimes, I think, I just get sick of fighting. Sometimes it gets to the point where I wish I could just make it all go away. All of it! I wish I could go somewhere in my mind where I didn’t have to think the millions of thoughts that plague me every second of every day. I came from a place in my mind where nothing could touch me, unfortunately now that I have worked through that, everything touches me.
Adoption has touched me, It has touched so very many of us! It isn’t pleasant, in most situations, it seems to cause a lot of pain.
Sometimes I wish adoption would leave, that no one would have to deal with it. But this, I think, is a fairy tale. Should everyone keep their babies, despite the situations they are in? Would it have been fair to me, to my Meemo, if she was forced to keep me. She was 17 years old, still a child herself. She had lost her father to cancer, she lost her mother to her fathers death, while she was still around, I don’t think she was there for my Meemo in the way that was needed. Her five older siblings were grown up and out of the house. Should she have been forced to keep me? She had no support, she had no one, she was all alone, and she knew that she was in no way ready to raise a child completely on her own. No way. So she gave me the best option SHE had.
She gave me up.
Should mothers who prostitute their daughters have children? If they get pregnant, don’t you think that adoption would be a good choice, and give these children a chance?
Adoption is never the first choice, it is never the BEST option… Never… anytime you separate a child from its mother is never the best option. I think that maybe sometimes its a better option. There are so many questions… so many that are unanswerable maybe. All I know is that the adoption factor is larger than many people think. It hurts more than many people think.
Just look at me, I was in denial, for so long, about the effects of it on me. Sometimes I wish I could go back to that place, that place where I didn’t think it bothered me so much. That place where I didn’t love my mother, my real mother, so much that it hurt. That place where I was safe from that, safe from having to think twice about everything. Safe from the pain of it.
I have a couple questions… Just questions
Who is responsible for the adopted child? Should it be only the aparents, they take complete responsibility for the child, for their mistakes that they make. And for accepting that the child is adopted and not THEIR child?
Should the bio- mother take responsibility? Obviously not for the child growing up, but after reunion? After all, the child is there because of the choices and actions of the bmother.
Should the bio- father have responsibility in this too? Even though in so many situations, he isn’t even available.