A moment in a thought

My thoughts, in my life, of adoption and other such things

Dear Blogging World April 16, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jessie @ 5:49 pm

After having spent far too much time thinking today.  I have decided that I need to take a break from it all. 

I have lost my purpose, I have lost my hope.  And last night, I found myself at my Meemo’s house crying in a dark room on the couch over a dead bug on the ceiling. 

I have realized that I have allowed my emotions to take over far far too much of my life.  I have realized that I have regressed greatly and turned into a miserable and immature child just wishing for her mother.  Neither of whom can give me what I need.  It is unfair of me to expect from my bio mom anything that I have come to expect.  It is unfair that I have come into her life and wormed my way into everything when in all reality the progression of things should have been much much slower.   It is unfair that I have expected things that I never should have.  It is unfair that I have allowed myself to become so engrossed in it. 

I have realized that I am acting like a child, its time I act like the adult that I am.

It is unfair that I have lost myself in this world of adoption thinking, adoption feeling.  Its all so new to me as I have denied myself the truth for so many years.  I need to back up, I need to breathe. 

Most of all I need to realize that life doesn’t revolve around these things. 

I am taking a break, a few days, a few weeks, who knows.  I don’t. 

Right now I am going to concentrate on finishing school.  Concentrate on the projects that need to be done.  And concentrate on progressing myself back to the place where I need to be.  Not that place that I have been lately. 

So talk to you later blog world.  Don’t you worry, I will be back.  I love you all 🙂

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16 Responses to “Dear Blogging World”

  1. Theresa Says:

    Hi, I’ve been lurking here for a while. I just wanted to drop you a note to say I’ve really appreciated what you wrote and I hope whatever type of a break you take, an hour, a week, a month, or whatnot, that it will be a good time of finishing up projects. I’ve got you in my reader so I’ll be looking forward to when you return.

  2. bdad Says:

    You are not alone in having feelings and emotions and thinking about your expectations. I appreciate you sharing your feelings and thoughts. It lets me know I am not alone. The hard part seems to be finding a healthy place in all of it and I have a ways to go to find that healthy place. I wish you the best and take care of yourself.

  3. Julie Says:

    ((((((Jessie)))))

    Take a break, yes. We all need them. But no, stop blaming yourself. And again no, you can only postpone this stuff – can’t stop it, can’t reverse it. This is emotional energy that needs to burn itself out naturally.

    So many of us have been through this, are still going through it. Take a break, but know we are here.

    We are here. Close your eyes, fall backwards. We are here to catch you.

  4. Jessica Says:

    {{{{{Jessie}}}}}}

    Thanks for teaching me a lot. I think you’re an amazing person. I understand the need for a “time-out” from it all, totally. The blogging world will be here when you want to return, but they (and I) will always think of you, wishing you all the joy in your life you deserve.

  5. Possum Says:

    (((((((((((((((((((Jessie)))))))))))))))))))))
    Yeah – know exactly what you mean – I think it’s getting time for me to break also.
    Once the fog lifts – it consumes your every waking hour.
    I’m here whenever you need me gorgeous girl.
    You have my email addy – don’t be afraid to use it!!!
    Take time for you – breath – and look after yourself.
    You’re an amazing young lady. Don’t forget that.
    Love ya.
    Hugs & cuddles,
    Poss. xxxxxxx

  6. joy21 Says:

    yup yup yup that is all normal

    we are here, http://afc.smfforfree2.com/index.php/board,1.0.html

    We know

  7. anti Says:

    Hang in there! I am thinking of you.

  8. gershom Says:

    Taking a break can be so good for our souls. How do we process the unnatural? none of this is natural for us, and it hurts, it all hurts. hang in there and just “be” for a while. you’ll be on my heart!

  9. dory Says:

    Hi Jessie – I’m new to your blog but just wanted to offer some support from one adoptee to another. It’s the rockiest road I’ve ever travelled. Take care of yourself.

  10. Jessie Says:

    Thank you… all of you, for your support 🙂
    Its hard, but Im getting through.

  11. addiepray Says:

    Take time, get feeing strong. I’ll be thinking about you.

  12. momseekingpeace Says:

    I must agree with what Julie said, it is an energy that needs to be released.

    I am a mom in reunion so my experience is a little different but the same in some ways. An important natural sequence was interupted when the adoption happened and I think nature trys to go back and heal it where it was broke off/interupted. I think its a very necessary process. I think where it gets hard is when we ourselves or society don’t allow us to go there by judging it as weird, immature, too this or too that. When I reunited with my son I became that 16 year old girl again, I felt all the feelings that I felt back then, the awkwardness the insecurities the doubts, I questioned what was happening to me and thought something was wrong with me. Now looking back I can appreciate what I went through, it was such a healing thing (the most painful time in my life, second to the day we parted) deeply healing. I can appreciate it the same way I can now appreciate the bulimia that saved me from going crazy all those years without my son.

    I would like to say that I hope you can be gentle on yourself and feel entitled to go through this, its ok to be regressed and needy and demanding. I think if we really wanted to be helpful in society to our adopted people and mothers we would give them time and permission to spend time together and let this stage unfold naturally and without judgement. Its natures way of of trying to right a wrong.

    I understand too, the need for a break from it all, sometimes it gets overwhelming, I can remember saying to my husband, I don’t know how I will get through another day with so much pain. But is does get easier, unfortunately like Julie says, you can only postpone this stuff – can’t stop it, can’t reverse it. So be gentle with yourself and know that others do know exactly what you are going through and that you aren’t crazy or weak or any other thing, you are human and you went through an unnatural separation that needs healing.

    Sorry if this feels preachy, this is a topic I feel so passionate about because I think its one of the most important parts of reunion and getting through it. It feels like once communication and espcially physically being near the person happens its starts the ball rolling.
    Sending peaceful thoughts to you.
    MSP

  13. Elizabeth Says:

    I agree with what everyone else has said.

    Please don’t be so hard on yourself.

    You are entitled to your feelings.

    what you are going through is perfectly normal and natural.

    Thinking of you.

  14. Rebecca Says:

    Oh Jessie, you know I understand your need for a break. I wish I wasn’t taking a break at the same time so I would have seen this post sooner. Remember your skills and don’t lose hope. You will make it through this rough time, too. Love you, Rebecca

  15. issycat Says:

    Jessie,
    Are you ok?
    PM me or email me if you need to talk ok?

    I’m thinking of you.


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