Ok… well I feel refreshed 🙂
I wish taking a break from life were as easy as taking a break from a blog. Whew that would be nice.
I feel like I have at least gotten my priorities back in a row anyway. This adoption thing is so hard, it really is. Expessially when one allows themselves to actually deal with the pain of it.
I think (actually I know) for a long time it was just easier for me to ignore it. I don’t remember being adopted, infants don’t remember things nicely, it was never really real to me. Sure I wondered about my biological roots, I wondered about a lot of things. I spent many nights staring out into the sky and wondering if there was someone out there staring back. However, it was never real to me. I don’t think I ever allowed myself to accept that I was truly adopted, that it really did make a difference in me. Sure I accepted it, but I never really ACCEPTED it, I never allowed myself to feel it, I never dealt with it.
For a great many years, well up until I started looking, I assumed that my bio mom must have just forgotten about me. I figured how else would someone deal with giving up their baby? I assumed that I was gone, forgotten, never to really be thought about again. I figured she had just gone on with her life without me, never to glance back again. I didn’t know if she held me, or saw me. I didn’t know what she was like, I only knew the tid bits of information that my parents had told me over the years. A lot of which I wondered about, if it were true, if it wasn’t. I never really knew, so I chose to ignore, and just never let it bother me.
I was told my bio mother wanted to name me Amy (which is wrong, its actually HER name, she named me Bethany), the name Amy rang in my head for a long long time. I knew what my bio fathers name was, and imagined this perfect world where they were married and Amy Cupp would be my name. I never allowed myself to think much about it, but found myself doodling the name on papers anyway. I was told my bio mother never had any children (also wrong, she has two sons) and I wondered if giving me up was too much for her to handle, or perhaps she didn’t really like children at all. I was told that she looked something like me (mind you my parents glimpsed her once, for a second, and she was all of 17) so I found myself wondering if I would run into some stranger with a resemblance to me. I imagined her to be this wonderful person, and nothing at all like me. That was always there, that wonder, but it was never much of anything beyond that, a wonder, an itch perhaps, to know what she looked like, what her name was. I don’t think I ever really thought I wanted to meet her, I always said that I wished I could just know where she was so I could see her, just look at her, so I could know what she looked like, who I came from. I never wanted her to know me, because after all, adoption didn’t bother me. Oh no, nope not at all, I was totally fine with it.
Then I get an email, an email that said Hi, I am Amy. Whoa… wait a minute… holy sh%t. Emails progressed, next thing you know I am actually MEETING this woman!! WHAT?!?!?! What happened to just wanting to look at her. What happened to all that.
What happened to adoption not bothering me???
I’ll tell ya what happened to that, that flew right out the freaking window when I looked at her, when I heard her voice, when I saw her face. When I finally, fully and honestly accepted what adoption really meant (24 years late) and what it really meant to me, and how I really felt about that.
I had to deal with the emotions of 24 years of not knowing that this, this A word, this stuff, really affected me. That adoption has affected me and so many aspects of my life for every year I have lived it. It was like a ton of concrete landing on me, threatening to close me in.
The fact that all these years, it turns out I wasn’t wrong after all. I wasn’t bad, and who I was wasn’t terrible, it was just her. It was just my genetics. All these years there was someone else in the world like me.
Not to mention nobody said anything about how difficult it was going to be to form this relationship to begin with.
Ok, anywho, I have breathed, I am better now. I have worked out things inside my head. I have worked out things with my Meemo (hopefully now I won’t drive her insane anymore 🙂 )
I am ready to take this head on, and positively again. Everyone needs a little positive, and I am it!! For as much as adoption is difficult… life would be way, way too boring without a challenge.
I have accepted my challenge