Did you ever notice how many adoption stories seem to be the same?
How many times adoptees have told the stories of their lives and the feelings they have and a bunch of other adoptee’s find themselves nodding their heads in agreement.
It makes me wonder, it really does. Because it isn’t as if someone put these ideas in our heads, these feelings in our brains. At least not for me. For so many years the fact that I was adopted didn’t even really exist to me. Or at least it didn’t really matter at all. And yet I read adoptee blogs and messages in the adoptee forum and I am finding myself nodding my head. Nod nod nod.
Even the BPD, its so common in adoptees. The full blown personality disorder, which I have, or just some of the traits. They are there. I remember reading in BPD books that it occurs at a much higher rate in those who are adopted than in those who weren’t. Hmmmm interesting thought. I remember reading that and thinking, ok good, at least there is a common factor on why I would have this. At least possibly there was a cause, now I look at it and it just makes perfect sense.
I wish there was a book, one for aparents to read, one that would describe so many of the common issues of adoptees, and possible ways to eliminate some of those issues. I think so many aparents just don’t have a clue (not all, some aparents have a clue, because I have heard of some adoptees who are very well adjusted).
I know my aparents didn’t, still don’t. They still see themselves as my one and only set of parents, which I can understand, how hard it must be for them. How hard it must be to not be able to have children of their own and then have to accept someone else’s child AS their own. I can understand the wish to ignore the fact that their child was adopted. However, there needs to be some kind of compromise here. Aparents need to learn to understand that their child IS adopted. That they are NOT that child’s biological parents, and therefore the things that they are, and the things that they like, are unlikely to match up with the likes and abilities of their child.
They need to understand that the child is an individual, this goes for all parents, not just aparents. However, especially for aparents, because that child could come from a place biologically that is completely different from the place where the parents are at.
Its really a compromise, a compromise of a situation that was not ideal to begin with. A compromise on BOTH parts, not just on the part of the adoptee. So many parents just continue on as if that child is theirs, putting unfair expectations on the child. The fact of it is, adoption isn’t all about the parents, its about the whole triad. When you lose one part of that triad, or when you lose the understanding of what adoption really is, that is when things get messed up.
And why so many of us are messed up in so many simaler ways.
There should be a class or something that perspective aparents have to take before receiving their child. And the aparents should really step back and think about WHY they are adopting a child. I think its important, for everyone, adoptee, aparent, bparent, everyone.