A moment in a thought

My thoughts, in my life, of adoption and other such things

The adoption story May 4, 2007

Filed under: Adoptee,Adoption — Jessie @ 12:53 pm

Did you ever notice how many adoption stories seem to be the same?

How many times adoptees have told the stories of their lives and the feelings they have and a bunch of other adoptee’s find themselves nodding their heads in agreement. 

It makes me wonder, it really does.  Because it isn’t as if someone put these ideas in our heads, these feelings in our brains.  At least not for me.  For so many years the fact that I was adopted didn’t even really exist to me.  Or at least it didn’t really matter at all.  And yet I read adoptee blogs and messages in the adoptee forum and I am finding myself nodding my head.  Nod nod nod. 

Even the BPD, its so common in adoptees.  The full blown personality disorder, which I have, or just some of the traits.  They are there. I remember reading in BPD books that it occurs at a much higher rate in those who are adopted than in those who weren’t.  Hmmmm interesting thought.  I remember reading that and thinking, ok good, at least there is a common factor on why I would have this.  At least possibly there was a cause, now I look at it and it just makes perfect sense. 

I wish there was a book, one for aparents to read, one that would describe so many of the common issues of adoptees, and possible ways to eliminate some of those issues.   I think so many aparents just don’t have a clue (not all, some aparents have a clue, because I have heard of some adoptees who are very well adjusted).

I know my aparents didn’t, still don’t.  They still see themselves as my one and only set of parents, which I can understand, how hard it must be for them.  How hard it must be to not be able to have children of their own and then have to accept someone else’s child AS their own.  I can understand the wish to ignore the fact that their child was adopted.  However, there needs to be some kind of compromise here.  Aparents need to learn to understand that their child IS adopted.  That they are NOT that child’s biological parents, and therefore the things that they are, and the things that they like, are unlikely to match up with the likes and abilities of their child. 

They need to understand that the child is an individual, this goes for all parents, not just aparents.  However, especially for aparents, because that child could come from a place biologically that is completely different from the place where the parents are at. 

Its really a compromise, a compromise of a situation that was not ideal to begin with.  A compromise on BOTH parts, not just on the part of the adoptee.  So many parents just continue on as if that child is theirs, putting unfair expectations on the child.  The fact of it is, adoption isn’t all about the parents, its about the whole triad.  When you lose one part of that triad, or when you lose the understanding of what adoption really is, that is when things get messed up. 

And why so many of us are messed up in so many simaler ways. 

There should be a class or something that perspective aparents have to take before receiving their child.  And the aparents should really step back and think about WHY they are adopting a child.   I think its important, for everyone, adoptee, aparent, bparent, everyone. 


3 Responses to “The adoption story”

  1. Theresa Says:

    “I wish there was a book, one for aparents to read,”

    I know I remember reading on one forum where a PAP was told by his or her agency what books specifically NOT to read, and on the list were books like ‘Primal Wound’, ’20 Things Adopted Kids Wished Their Adoptive Parents Knew’, etc. That’s sad.

  2. momseekingpeace Says:

    I wish that if adoption has to be in some cases that more than anything the ownership aspect would come to an end. I try as my sons natural mother to be sure and give him the room to know its ok that he loves his other family. It is not to say I think adoption is great, its just that in our case its already a done thing and he does have two families. I think the adopted person is so often caught in the middle, ugghh what a hard place to be and it seems like often the fear of being rejected by one party or the other sits right there in the middle of it all.

  3. Jessie Says:

    Theresa… Its sad, it really is sad to realize that so many people are denying the fact that adoption DOES affect the child. Even if that child is adopted at birth. I talked to my afather, and he said that they recieved simalar information. To not listen to those who say that adoption affects the child that much. But the fact of it is, it does.
    MSP… I agree with you, I really do. My bmom (meemo) really really respects that. She respects that I have two families and doesn’t try to interfere with that. Something that I highly appreciate. My amother does not. It hurts her to know that I consider my bfamily my family as well. Luckily my adad is really understanding of the whole situation.

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