A moment in a thought

My thoughts, in my life, of adoption and other such things

Attn. adoption bloggers. May 7, 2007

Filed under: Adoptee,Adoption — Jessie @ 1:10 pm

I am disappointed, very disappointed. 

I was sent a link to a blog today, with a note to look at the comments.  And with some more research, I found more blogs, and more comments.

These comments are from people I know, people I like, people I consider my friends.  I am not even just talking about one person. 

These comments were attacks, they were attacks on people adopting children. 

I do agree that people need to be educated.  But there is a large difference between education and attacks. 

These people are adopting children, and the fact of the matter is, we don’t know themWe don’t know what their intentions are.  We only know what is written. 

And as far as I saw, they were just people who wanted the best for their children, don’t we all just want the best for our children?  Perhaps they do expect too much from their adopted children, perhaps they do need to be educated. 

A lot of perspective adoptive parents do need education, they need to know what its like for us.  They need to know some of the things they can do to help their adopted children adjust well.  And those who have dealt with adoption are in a good place TO educate. 

However, attacks are not education, attacks are attacks.  You do not teach a child something they don’t know by telling them they are stupid or wrong. 

You teach them by example, you teach them by using words to explain, and explain it to them.  There are so many different ways to show people.  

Please, we are adults, we ask that people respect us, and we should respect them.  We should use our knowledge of these situations to teach others.  To educate adoptive parents so that maybe the next generation of adoptee’s and natural families and even adoptive families will have it a little easier than the last. 

Some of the comments that were made did absolutly nothing to better the adoption world, they only proved how immature we can be.   Immaturity doesn’t accomplish anything, it only makes people angry. 

Don’t berate, Educate. 

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23 Responses to “Attn. adoption bloggers.”

  1. mama2roo Says:

    Thank you for saying that.

  2. justenjoyhim Says:

    You’re amazing and a wonder. God bless you, Jessie.

  3. anonymous Says:

    “You do not teach a child something they don’t know by telling them they are stupid or wrong.”

    yeppers, that’s the best way to make someone stop listening right there. I really enjoy your voice and what you’ve shared of your journey (in all of your entries).

  4. bdad Says:

    Well said, it is easy to jump on the band wagon, ridicule others and create enemies, it takes more to educate and get others to listen. Some people will never listen but others will if they are given a chance. Life is a learning process.

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts

  5. Amy Says:

    I was the one who sent the link. I was horrified. As a birth parent I want it to be known we are not all like that. Even with Jessies bad experience I still believe in adoption and the foster care system. I still have a place in my heart for abandoned children in third world countries. I am thrilled with the changes I have seen in adoptive parents who, with the experience of their elders, have learned that adopted children have special needs, suffer loss even if they never spent a moment away from a loving adult and how to recognise institutional behaviors and respond to the correctly. That this is and has always been about the child and not about the adults.
    I was in tears the other day reading a post of a family in China recognising their new daughters PI behaviors, studying her culture so they can share it with her, and their experience at her finding place. They were able to speak to the person who found their daughter and have a video of the hour they spent with the people who cared for her during the first 2 days of her life. While finding her birth mother was impossible, they were able to give her the next best thing. It took 6 hours to get there and another 6 back. It would break my heart to see such wonderful caring adoptive parents be attacked and I didn’t dare link the article on my blog. I’ve also removed the links to the two adoptive parent web sites I did have on my blog for fear they would be attacked too. These are people whom I have had discussions with from both sides of parenting. People whom I respect and who I feel have learned from their conversations with me. It is disheartening to me that people whom I considered my friends would take their anger and rage at their own life situations out on perfect strangers in a situation they know nothing about and show no interest in learning. A shame that the same respectful conversations I have had outside of the blogging world cannot be had within it.

  6. issycat Says:

    If you are talking about the bogs I think you are talking about, wrongs were done on both sides and a lot of communicating has been happening too as a result. Read on to further postings and further comments and you will see it.
    Communication can happen sometimes when both sides stop attacking and start communicating.
    It’s actually kind of exciting. 🙂

    Unless you’re talking about some other drama I am unaware of (it could happen).
    Hugs to you Jessie for being the voice of reason.

  7. Jessie Says:

    Issy,
    I don’t know which drama you are talking about, I can’t be sure. But this was much more than one blog, it was several. I am disgusted and disapointed that people I know and consider friends would be so inconsiderate.
    I am sure, absolutly sure, that the blog writers are not innocent, I am sure they have their share of wrongdoings.
    But to blatently attack someone like that?? No, thats unacceptable.
    I don’t know the story, I don’t know whats behind it. However, like I said, it was more than one.
    Communication needs to be treated respectfully, and both parties need to be treated respectfully, regardless of the issue. Regardless of either persons veiwpoint on the issue. It just isn’t fair to say some of the things I saw written. And again, it wasn’t just once. However, I do understand what you are saying, and I hope that some communication has been had, and some benifit has come from it.

    “Communication can happen sometimes when both sides stop attacking and start communicating.”

    You are absolutly right!!

  8. Jessie Says:

    I also was not just talking about one person, there was more than one.

  9. Amy Says:

    Issy, you are very right, cooler heads do prevail in a later post, however it is a third party who came in to smooth the waters. I stand by my original thoughts. There have been unprovoked vicious attacks by people who are in positions to educate, but not in the position to understand foster or adoptive parenting. While it is understandable that these people are reacting to primal pain, the pain they are feeling does not make their actions acceptable.
    Based on this behavior I very much wish I was qualified to reach out to the them and provide the help they need. Ganging up and attacking strangers online will never solve the pain they are in. Only compound it. This situation could very well be an eye opening experience for them and lead them towards greater healing. We cannot take back the past and have no choice to move on from it.
    I would also like to reiterate. This generation of adoptive parents is many times more likely to go into adoption having learned from the mistakes of those before them. Many of us from the previous generation are not realizing that because our focus is only on OUR past, when we were adopted or gave up our children.

  10. justenjoyhim Says:

    “This generation of adoptive parents is many times more likely to go into adoption having learned from the mistakes of those before them. Many of us from the previous generation are not realizing that because our focus is only on OUR past, when we were adopted or gave up our children.”

    Amy, you are a very wise woman. Well said. Thank you.

  11. issycat Says:

    See, once again, I see the greys here. I think I have too much empathy for everybody and I mean EVERYBODY. I’d never make a good lawyer. I was just glad that there was eventually some resolution and even an apology of sorts on another blog today.
    You guys know I hate the finger pointing. I try very hard to be peaceful in my approach and mostly I am successful.
    At least they all made an effort in the end.
    Maybe (I hope) everyone can learn from this situation.

  12. issycat Says:

    I am peaceful with the exception of one who shall remain nameless. And I am trying to find compassion for that person because I think she really needs it.
    It’s hard though sometimes, you know… Especially in blogland when feelings can just get trampled.

  13. Jessie Says:

    Meemo… You are freaking awesome. Aparantly I got my ability to spit words from somewhere 🙂
    Issy, you are very right. You really are, I see your compassion, I do. I was just shocked, shocked because while yes, that one situation was definetly calmed down and cooled, there are others that weren’t. Perhaps I don’t know all of what went on, I probably don’t understand as much as I could. However, I was just shocked, shocked and amazed at the words that were written.
    I wanted to let it be known that it isn’t fair, and it isn’t mature.
    Thank you for your comments.

  14. jmomma Says:

    Stormy weather…

    NOTHING is “FAIR”. People get hurt. People hurt others.

    Maturing can take a LOT of time. Part of it is learning life ain’t fair, and loving it anyway.

    I benefitted from this storm and suspect many others did too.

  15. Amy Says:

    The nameless one needs to be ignored, as hard as it is to practice. She deliberately incites anger then calls people mean when they feel the only way to be heard is to beat her over the head with it. (kinda like my ex husband) Better use of energy to just beat your own head against a wall. 🙂 I keep picturing her as a 14 year old playing grown up. That one day, 10 years from now she will see what a jerk she was.
    I am, with this whole situation, feeling quite a bit of compassion for the folks feeling so much pain they are misdirecting it. Emotions have a way of getting out of hand online. If people were sitting in a room somewhere, other input would keep things centered. Speech patterns, dress, facial expressions and body language are major parts of communication. Online, with anonymity, our emotions run wild. Our inner selves come bursting forth and without the mechanisms we have crafted throughout our lives.
    If one of the people we are speaking of were in a real life situation, faced with an adoptive mother and her two beautiful babies, crowing over her adoption being finalised, those words would never have been spoken. The dress and manner of the mother would have provided input, the children a huge distraction. No one would walk over to that woman and say the things that were said. At the very least it would be downright rude, and a complete lack of composure. I have too much respect for them to believe that they would behave that way.
    For these women the pain they are feeling is most likely stronger than if they had faced that situation face to face. It is raw and burning and very real, yet the situation isn’t. Not really. Just glimpses and moments across many miles.

  16. Amy Says:

    Just to clarify, in case we are talking about different bloggers. The one that needs ignoring is not part of the original subject of this post and is in general, unilaterally disliked by all in the triad.

  17. Jessie Says:

    THANK YOU for clarifying that Meemo!

  18. joy Says:

    From my momma:

    “Stormy weather…

    NOTHING is “FAIR”. People get hurt. People hurt others.

    Maturing can take a LOT of time. Part of it is learning life ain’t fair, and loving it anyway.

    I benefitted from this storm and suspect many others did too.”

    Sometimes I am so proud you are my mother, like right about now would be one of those times.

  19. m Says:

    Thank you.

  20. Michelle Says:

    “NOTHING is “FAIR”. People get hurt. People hurt others.

    Maturing can take a LOT of time. Part of it is learning life ain’t fair, and loving it anyway.

    I benefitted from this storm and suspect many others did too.”

    Sometimes I am so proud you are my mother, like right about now would be one of those times.”

    Amen! If there weren’t EXTREME pain and hurt in adoption, we’d all be standing in one big circle holding hands and singing Kumbya.

    People are hurting – when people are hurt they attack. I’ve done it, I do it, and I will continue to do it. Some behaviour is worse, like being passive aggressive. Speaking your mind isn’t always a bad thing. We humans have a way of working things out.

  21. Michelle Says:

    oops, I didn’t mean to copy/paste the I’m so proud you are my mother” part…..lol

  22. Jessica Says:

    I’m a strong believer in catching flies with honey and not vinegar. I totally agree with you, Meemo, and the others that attacks are totally counter-productive. They just shut people down.

  23. missmommac Says:

    As a first mom who is enjoying a wonderful open adoption for my son….kuddos to you for saying what needs to be said. So many negative things are being said about aparents and paps.


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