A moment in a thought

My thoughts, in my life, of adoption and other such things

Perhaps maybe I think too much May 10, 2007

Filed under: Adoptee,Adoption,Adoption reunion — Jessie @ 2:03 pm

(I apologize if this makes no apparant sense… ) 

Today I am in a melancholy mood.  I suppose thats the only way I can think of to describe it.  I normally just think of these, however, as my thinky moods.  Because for the most part, thats what I do, think. 

Think think think.

I think way too much.  I am very much, and have always been, a thinker.  I can spend hours in the presence of nothing but my own mind and I will be just fine.  I am a bit strange that way, however, I am what I am.

Yesterday, my brother got an award from the town that he lives in.  Basically its an award for youth that have overcome tough circumstances in their lives and made themselves better.  Essentially he’s just a really awesome kid.  I went to the awards ceremony with Meemo, Cory (my brother), Pete (Meemo’s fiance) and Meemo’s mom (my grandmother).  It was a bit odd for me, to be sitting there as part of a family that I didn’t quite grow up in.  Looking up to a younger brother that I didn’t grow up with.  I was prouder than heck of him none the less.  He has bettered himself, through hard situations, through hard times in his life.  Somehow, he came out amazing on the other side.  I was just really happy to know him, really happy and proud to be able to call him my brother.  Especially knowing a bit about what he had to go through to get to that point.  I can understand the struggling teen stories, I’v been there.  And this kid just pulled himself right out as if its easy.  I know it isn’t.  One of the comments that the person announcing his award said, was a quote from someone who knows Cory.  It was that the best thing about Cory is he doesn’t even realize how amazing he truly is.  I can speak to the truth of this.  I don’t think he has a clue how truly amazing he really is. 

And I started thinking today, about how just a few months ago I didn’t even know him.  I didn’t know the person that he is, and yet I am related to him.  He’s my brother. 

We went on a little car ride together, just the two of us, the other day, to the grocery store and to get dinner.  Someone called him and asked what he was doing.  He said he was with his sister… bet ya didn’t know I had a sister!   I didn’t know I had a brother.  And I had no idea just what a cool person he was. 

As we were standing waiting for Cory at the awards, my grandmother was looking for Meemo.  She asked me “where is your mother?”  Where is your mother…..

My mother. 

Wow, how freaking weird, my mother, my brother.  Its like there is this whole separate little universe that I didn’t even know existed before.  Yes I know none of this is really new, but I guess slowly but surly its all just sort of clicking with me.  I spent a long time after I met Meemo thinking about the what ifs.  What if this, what if that.  As an adoptee, there are sooo many what ifs.  So many I couldn’t even begin to list them all here. 

For so long those what ifs just encompassed my everyday thoughts.  What if this had happened, what if I hadn’t been adopted.  I guess I have just slowly been accepting it.  There are a million different stages to dealing with things, and I feel like I have gone through at least half that in the eight short months I have known where I came from.   I have been through a myriad of different feelings, thoughts and emotions.  I think somehow, I am starting to accept it all.  Accept that yes, I was adopted.  You know what, yes I AM ok with that.  Perhaps it wasn’t the most awesome thing to ever happen to me.  It happened, and there is nothing I can do to change that now.  It happened.

Maybe its all just part of a greater scheme.  Maybe it was meant to happen this way.  I know that I am the person that I am today because of it.  I can say for absolute certainty that I would NOT be the person I am today if I weren’t adopted, if Meemo had kept me.  You know what though?  She couldn’t have kept me, because if she had kept me, there would be no Cory.  Even if the natural progression of things after me had stayed the same.  Between me, and Matt, her older son, there would never have been a Cory, and Cory is just amazing. 

I also believe that our reunion was meant to be, it was meant to happen exactly when it happened.  Not a minute sooner, not a minute later.  Right exactly then.  I had my feet planted in the ground finally, from all the circumstances of my life, I had finally found my place to put my feet in the ground. 

Granted meeting my Meemo uprooted them once again, but I still had my place, I just had to work on getting my balance back.  I finally feel like I am getting my balance back.   Sure there are still days where I think it would have just been easier for everyone around if I had just never been born.  But I was born, I was born, I have my life, and really and truly I was blessed with that.  I am blessed with two mothers, maybe neither one of them is what I always thought I needed, but I have them both.  One of whom has become something of a really good friend.  I am grateful for that. 

And I may not be as amazing as Cory, but I am grateful for my life none the less.  I am grateful for the things I do have, and am trying not to be too sad about the things I don’t.  After all, life really is what you make of it.  I only get one of these, so I might as well make the best of it, instead of wishing it away. 


One Response to “Perhaps maybe I think too much”

  1. justenjoyhim Says:

    Ahhhh, but you ARE amazing.

    And here you have a whole other family. What a wonderful, loving post. Thank you for sharing this.

    ~ AKA Mom2One/Judy

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