I divorced my mom today. My amother.
Ok, so I didn’t really ‘divorce’ her per say. I just decided that we needed to take a break from each other. I sort of feel so sick I could throw up. I am trying my hardest to forget the days events and pretend like nothing is wrong, but I am having a heck of a time doing that.
I have never really stood up to my mother, ever. but she and I have had a toxic relationship probably since I was old enough to talk. I don’t hate my mother, although sometimes I feel like I do. But I don’t know how much I really love her either. I guess I do, otherwise I wouldn’t feel like my world is falling apart before my eyes.
If I didn’t love her I wouldn’t care that I hurt her feelings.
However, I did hurt her feelings. Its the day before mothers day, and I told her I need a break from her. I told her this in the midst of yet another fight about yet another thing that she has let me down on.
I have fought with her for years, fought her and fought her and never really stuck up for ME. I always just compromised myself in the end. Always put on my fake face and said its ok, I love you anyway. Its ok that you verbally and mentally abuse me. Its ok that you make me feel terrible about myself. Its ok that you don’t follow through on the promises you make. Its ok that you have no clue what I have been through.
Well I am done telling her that its ok, I am done pretending that none of it matters.
I tried to do it the civilized way, by conversation, but that didn’t work. Nothing ever seems to work, the problem is she doesn’t see me as an adult. She doesn’t listen to me as an adult. One of the biggest problems is she doesn’t listen to me at all.
Even in trying to talk to her through this problem, she just doesn’t listen. My mother just wouldn’t hear what I had to say.
Until I said ‘Mom, I am sorry, but I just can’t do this anymore.’ She stopped talking and listened then.
I told her that I think we both need a break, that we obviously both stress eachother out to the max. That we both need some time to ourselves to just live our lives. I told her I loved her. I got back a bunch of screams, a bunch of tears, and a lament that sounded more like something I would have cried out in high school to my running scared boyfriend.
She switched between screaming and telling me that I am a selfish brat. To crying and exclaiming that I have hurt her feelings, and she can’t believe that I am ‘leaving her!’ Yes, my mother was upset because I was ‘leaving’ her. I tried to explain that I wasn’t leaving anywhere, I was just taking some time. But again, no words of mine were heard, just more screams, more cries. And the final note.
“fine, well thats just fine, I don’t need you anyway, have a great fucking life, happy fucking mothers day.”
I think that just about broke my heart, yes mom, Happy Mothers Day. What a freaking twist of timing that all this had to happen right before Mothers day. Call me a brat, call me a bi*#h I have been called both enough times today to suit me. I guess I just couldn’t imagine going over there and celebrating the person that is her, and pretending everything was fine when it wasn’t.
Now I am sitting here alone wondering if I made the right choice. If I did the right thing. My Mother has called me already. Called me with a message that again just switched between screaming and being nasty, and making me feel bad with every trick she has in the book. I guess it amazed me how much of a child my Mother is acting while I am trying so hard to grow up.
I feel sick, I feel like curling into a hole and dying. I feel like calling up my mommy crying exclaiming how sorry I am for being such a failure as a daughter, for hurting her feelings. I feel like I just stabbed a knife through my own heart. I can only imagine what she feels like.
My hope is, that she takes some of this feeling and starts thinking about whats really going on. And instead of seeing me as the horrible daughter, instead sees some of the things that need to change. Instead sees that I am in fact an adult, not a child. That I am my own person, and I don’t have to be someone else just to make her happy. That I deserve to be respected.
My mother does not respect me, if for nothing else, I hope this can accomplish that.
I don’t want her out of my life forever, funny how when everything is fine, I don’t even pay attention to how much I talk to her. But now that I’v decided to take a break from it all, I miss her more than ever.
I guess what I miss most is the relationship we never had. The one where she was my mother, and I was her daughter, and we loved each other unconditionally. The one where I could talk to her about things, the one where I could count on her. The one where I could be loved for the person that I am, instead of despised for all the things I do wrong. The one where I could consider her my friend.
Honestly, none of this is even about being adopted. Its about the relationship that could have been between a mother and her daughter, but wasn’t.
Its about me finally standing up and saying, I am mature enough not to have to take this anymore. I am mature enough to say I have had enough of the abuse.
I just hope to God that I did the right thing.