A moment in a thought

My thoughts, in my life, of adoption and other such things

Hopefully now, the whirlwind stops May 14, 2007

Filed under: Adoptee,Adoption,Adoption reunion — Jessie @ 2:25 pm

In the aftermath (I hope) of one of the largest and most complicated storms of my life, all I can hope for is that the winds have finally calmed down.  In a way I want to knock on wood because lets face it, a whole lot more could happen.  To be honest, I am pretty thankful for what I’v got. 

In the last eight months I have

  • Met my biological mother, discovered I have two brothers and reeled from the reactions of all that.  It was probably one of the biggest and most influential changes of my life.  They say having a baby changes everything, realizing, truly realizing, that you are adopted and what that really means is right up there.
  • Fought with my biological mother, fought with the urges and emotions that come with being a borderline, that come with being adopted, that come with meeting someone with your face for the first time at 24 years old.
  • Fought with my amother, found my voice, acknowledged to her that, YES mom, I was abused, YES mom, it did hurt me and YES mom, I am done having it not be recognized, I am done keeping quiet, I am done SEEING him. Period.  I stood up to her for the very first time in my life. 
  • Learned to respect my afather, learned to appreciate everything that he is, and understand everything that he isn’t.    
  • Made huge decisions regarding my life, finances and schooling.   Decided that I needed to take a break from it all, needed to take a break for ME.  In doing so, learned that remaining calm in tough situations may be hard, but I can do it, and its the best thing to do. 
  • Learned to respect myself!  Learned that its ok for me to BE myself, learned that the person that I am is ok, faults and all.  Learned to be that person, no matter what another person may say, and that thats ok too.  Its ok not to make everyone happy, its ok that everyone doesn’t like me. 
  • Learned to respect others, that even if I don’t think I like a person, doesn’t mean I know who they truly are.  Everyone deserves a chance, everyone deserves that moment. 
  • Learned that communication is key to everything, and if everyone could sit down and really speak what is going on, that the world might be a better place, and we all might just get along. 
  • Learned that my amother isn’t perfect, but it isn’t black and white.  I learned to have a voice, and for the first time in my life said something to my mother that she listened to.  I said ‘mom, I don’t need you’ and meant it.  I told her that I couldn’t take everything anymore and meant it.  I taught my mother that I am an adult, capable of making my own adult decisions.  That the person that I am is the person that I am and nothing is going to change that.  That she can either accept me, or let it go, because I can’t take the hurting and nastyness anymore.  We let it go, and started over. 
  • I bought a brand new car, lord knows how I am going to pay for it, but with my afathers, and my amothers help, I bought a new car in no ones name but my own. 
  • I learned to put adoption in its place, to accept that I am going to have a lot of feelings because of it, but that the what ifs are about as useful to me as a bicycle is to a fish.   I have two families, and each has its own traits, and that its unfair to expect from either what they cannot give. 
  • I learned to grow up, to accept things that I can’t change, and realize that with hard work, I can change the things that I can. 

I am only 24 years old, and for the first time, I have realized that I have pretty much my whole life in front of me.  I have a newfound respect for my amother, and an always there and newfound respect for my Meemo.   I was blessed with two mothers instead of one.  Each one of them has some very unique traits and I think that I am very lucky to be in both of their lives.  My children will be very lucky to have two such amazing and different grandmothers.  My amother is not a bad person, we just never quite understood each other.  We have different thoughts, and different beliefs and different ways of handling life.  Shes made some mistakes, but so have I.  Hopefully now we can go on to start something that actually makes sense to us. 

And my Meemo and I?  Hopefully we can keep going on something that makes sense to us too, after all, how often can you really meet someone who makes so much sense to you. 


4 Responses to “Hopefully now, the whirlwind stops”

  1. Theresa Says:

    I think just one of those items is enough brain material for 8 months worth of dealing. This is all so much! Wow!

  2. joy21 Says:

    I hope you are really gentle with yourself Jesse, it is a lot, that is a lot, a lot of good stuff, but a lot.

  3. justice Says:

    Whewww!!! And you have inspired others too.

  4. Lambie Says:

    Our multitasking seems to increase a thousand-fold in reunion. Just don’t drop the ball that is YOU!

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