A moment in a thought

My thoughts, in my life, of adoption and other such things

The happy world and the Dark place May 17, 2007

Filed under: Adoptee,Adoption,Adoption reunion — Jessie @ 9:55 pm

I hate being so emotional!

Its terrible, it really is.  There is medications for depression, but there is no magic pill for being moody.  I am a moody moody joody. 

The thing is, I can never really pin point why!  Its just a bit agrivating I guess, because I can be so happy, then next thing you know I am sitting at home thinking a million different things. 

My perceptions of people change as my moods change as well.  When I am in a good, happy mood, nothing really touches me.  I can see the big picture through all the trees, and I am so much less worried about what everyone else in the world thinks of me.  I can sit there and say, I am me!  I am me and I like me and thats all there is to it. 

Then when I am down, its like b l a h.   I feel a bit like Eeyore, no energy to even speak above a mope.  I want to walk around slumped over and curl up in a tiny ball somewhere.  Then I get mad because I CAN’T curl up in a tiny ball and feel even worse about everything.  Its so frustrating! 

What does this have to do with adoption?  Not much… everything. 

My feelings about adoption change with my ever changing moods.  In a good mood, all is great.  Adoption is… well adoption, and I have my place for it.  I have my place for my Meemo, I have my place for everything adoption wise.  Just as accepting as I am of my self, I am as accepting of adoption.  In a down mood however, I feel differently.  I start to revert back to those paranoid feelings of “am I doing this right?”  “did I do this wrong?”  ” did I say the right thing?”  “am I being too annoying?”  all that crap.  The thing is, I don’t want any of that crap anymore!  Its like I have two different sides of my mind!  The annoying crazy one and the happy grown up adjusted one. 

I suppose its a good thing I can recognize it… but how does one go about getting rid of it?

Even if I could just make it like… less dark or something.  Less moody!  If it weren’t so severe.  I get that everyone has moods, but come ON there is a point here!   A point where I don’t need to be miserable out of no where for no reason!

If I could just be the happy grown up adjusted one all the time, I would be good to go!  I wouldn’t need much of anything, and hell, you would be amazed at the things I can accomplish then! 

Its like these little leftover bits of borderline that just wont seem to go away.  No matter how much therapy I go through, no matter how much I change myself, no matter what.  Its just there.   I guess its just a part of me that I am going to have to learn to accept and deal with.

Its just frustrating, it really is.  In moods like that I want to find a miserable hole to sink into.  I want to sit and blast about how everything is terrible and life isn’t worth it and just give up.  I want to stand with a giant anti adoption sign and protest the world.  Who knows, I could wake up in the morning and feel great.   Then I will find my whoo hoo I am ok happy place and live there for a little while.   I will believe everything in the world is great, colors are brighter, life is better, everything is A ok. 

Then the dark place, the dark place that reminds me I was given up.  The dark place that reminds me that I tread on thin ice on pretty much every relationship I have ever had, particularly the one with my Meemo.  The dark place that makes me want to call her up and say “hey, I am a spaz, are we ok?”  The thing is, I know what the answer will be.  I know it will be yes. 

So why why why do I get in these dark places?  Why do I fall into that hole, seemingly out of no where? I don’t understand it, but it gets to the point where I just don’t know what to do with it!

Now that I know what happy feels like, I don’t really want that sad place anymore! 

Instead of finding a toilet and flushing adoption, I would like to find a toilet and flush that place in my head!  

So… If anyone has a magic wand I could borrow for a little while, that would be fantastic… just let me know!

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One Response to “The happy world and the Dark place”

  1. Lambie Says:

    I think we all want THAT magic wand!


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