A moment in a thought

My thoughts, in my life, of adoption and other such things

The Ramblings of Me May 20, 2007

Filed under: Adoptee,Adoption,Adoption reunion,Self Discovery — Jessie @ 8:36 pm

I am a thinker.  Sometimes I think that I just think too much. 

I am a thinker, but not a decider… I am terrible at making up my mind about things.  Some people have their ways so set, if you ask them a question, it doesn’t take them a million years to answer because they have to think of all sides of the issue first, they just answer.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be one of those people. 

However, I am not. 

I think therefore I am… some philosopher said that, can’t remember for the life of me which one.  But I guess that’s what it comes down to for me, I think, therefore I am. 

I am…

I am something…  Just not real sure all the time what that something is. 

The thing about me is I refuse to let other people decide my life for me.  Decide where we are going to dinner?  Fine by me, I don’t like making those kinds of decisions… don’t like making any decisions really.  However, if it involves me, my life, and what I believe in.  I am the only one to decide that. 

I was brought up in the Lutheran church… and yet, with the exception of mothers day, haven’t set foot in a church in years.  I don’t believe in church, but I do believe in God.  I am not sure exactly how my belief in God works, I haven’t gotten that far yet, but I do know… oh about since the day that my Meemo and I (sorta) watched the northern lights together, I knew that there had to be some larger force out there.  I knew there was something, something bigger than me, bigger than anything.  And there was no way it could all just be a fluke.  So I decided, truly and undeniably decided, that night that I believed in God.  Still trying to work out the details on it, but I do believe.

I also, after meeting my Meemo, believe in fate.  I believe in destiny as well.  I do however, also believe there is a freedom of choice.  I do not think that there is this concrete path lain out before us all.  That the choices and decisions we make were already in place, I do not believe that.  I can’t, I have worked far too hard and done far too much for myself to believe that there is some upper hand in that.  I do however, believe that destiny and fate give us a path to walk.  A path with many decisions along the way, and many things that lead to another.  I believe there was some sort of destiny that lead me to the place I am in my life right now.  That I had to make the decisions along the way, but that there were almost like a set of invisible doors in front of me.  As soon as I completed the correct task, made the right decisions, the door opened. 

I also believe I am here for a reason.  I have absolutely no idea what that reason is, or if I will ever know what that reason is.  But I do know, somewhere, somehow, in the divine intervention there is a reason for me, and a reason for my life.  Do I think that it is something fantastic and amazing?  I highly doubt it, but somewhere, somehow, there is a reason for me.  I wouldn’t have survived as long as I have without it.  I wouldn’t have even been born without it. 

I also believe, that I was adopted for a reason.  I know this may sound silly to those of you who are also going through the fun times of being an adoptee.  I am not saying that I love the fact that I am adopted.  I guess what I am saying is I don’t DISLIKE the fact that I am adopted.  I decided this, finally, last night.  I was sitting out on my old trampoline in the house I grew up in, doing the thing I am famous(at least to myself) for doing too much of.  Thinking.  I was thinking about my life, where I have been, and where I am going.  I decided that I was adopted for a reason, and I need to stop questioning that.  After all, questioning it accomplishes nothing.  It happened, its over.  Most of all, I am who I am because my Meemo, my mother, decided that she needed to give me a better chance.  And a better chance I had.  I am thankful for that.  I am thankful for a few reasons, one being I wouldn’t be the person I am today, and two, because I wouldn’t know all my siblings, I wouldn’t know my father and my sister, who needs me more than anything. 

I wouldn’t be the fighter that I am.  I have had a lot of experiences in life to fight, and it taught me very well how to be strong.  To so many I appear weak, I am emotional, I am a spazzy mess sometimes.  However, above all these things, I am a fighter. 

I used to want to be as strong as my Meemo.  I realized as of late, I already am.


2 Responses to “The Ramblings of Me”

  1. bdad Says:

    Jessie, it is hard being a thinker while you watch those around you who can just go and do. But I think the purpose of thinkers is to help keep the world in balance. Too many people just do without thinking, someone has to question what is being done.

    Your comment on things happening for a reason brought back what I have always felt. I don’t like the fact that my son was given up for adoption (and I signed the papers) but I do believe that there is a reason for it and I do believe that there is a reason for our reunion and it happened when it did because it was time. Some think I am crazy but I do believe there is a reason for this maddness.

    Thanks for sharing and you are strong.

  2. ismsarebad Says:

    “I think, therefore, I am” —> Rene Descartes 😀
    I think too much, too. That’s why we need blogs to write these ideas all down!

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