I am a thinker. Sometimes I think that I just think too much.
I am a thinker, but not a decider… I am terrible at making up my mind about things. Some people have their ways so set, if you ask them a question, it doesn’t take them a million years to answer because they have to think of all sides of the issue first, they just answer.
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be one of those people.
However, I am not.
I think therefore I am… some philosopher said that, can’t remember for the life of me which one. But I guess that’s what it comes down to for me, I think, therefore I am.
I am something… Just not real sure all the time what that something is.
The thing about me is I refuse to let other people decide my life for me. Decide where we are going to dinner? Fine by me, I don’t like making those kinds of decisions… don’t like making any decisions really. However, if it involves me, my life, and what I believe in. I am the only one to decide that.
I was brought up in the Lutheran church… and yet, with the exception of mothers day, haven’t set foot in a church in years. I don’t believe in church, but I do believe in God. I am not sure exactly how my belief in God works, I haven’t gotten that far yet, but I do know… oh about since the day that my Meemo and I (sorta) watched the northern lights together, I knew that there had to be some larger force out there. I knew there was something, something bigger than me, bigger than anything. And there was no way it could all just be a fluke. So I decided, truly and undeniably decided, that night that I believed in God. Still trying to work out the details on it, but I do believe.
I also, after meeting my Meemo, believe in fate. I believe in destiny as well. I do however, also believe there is a freedom of choice. I do not think that there is this concrete path lain out before us all. That the choices and decisions we make were already in place, I do not believe that. I can’t, I have worked far too hard and done far too much for myself to believe that there is some upper hand in that. I do however, believe that destiny and fate give us a path to walk. A path with many decisions along the way, and many things that lead to another. I believe there was some sort of destiny that lead me to the place I am in my life right now. That I had to make the decisions along the way, but that there were almost like a set of invisible doors in front of me. As soon as I completed the correct task, made the right decisions, the door opened.
I also believe I am here for a reason. I have absolutely no idea what that reason is, or if I will ever know what that reason is. But I do know, somewhere, somehow, in the divine intervention there is a reason for me, and a reason for my life. Do I think that it is something fantastic and amazing? I highly doubt it, but somewhere, somehow, there is a reason for me. I wouldn’t have survived as long as I have without it. I wouldn’t have even been born without it.
I also believe, that I was adopted for a reason. I know this may sound silly to those of you who are also going through the fun times of being an adoptee. I am not saying that I love the fact that I am adopted. I guess what I am saying is I don’t DISLIKE the fact that I am adopted. I decided this, finally, last night. I was sitting out on my old trampoline in the house I grew up in, doing the thing I am famous(at least to myself) for doing too much of. Thinking. I was thinking about my life, where I have been, and where I am going. I decided that I was adopted for a reason, and I need to stop questioning that. After all, questioning it accomplishes nothing. It happened, its over. Most of all, I am who I am because my Meemo, my mother, decided that she needed to give me a better chance. And a better chance I had. I am thankful for that. I am thankful for a few reasons, one being I wouldn’t be the person I am today, and two, because I wouldn’t know all my siblings, I wouldn’t know my father and my sister, who needs me more than anything.
I wouldn’t be the fighter that I am. I have had a lot of experiences in life to fight, and it taught me very well how to be strong. To so many I appear weak, I am emotional, I am a spazzy mess sometimes. However, above all these things, I am a fighter.
I used to want to be as strong as my Meemo. I realized as of late, I already am.