I feel like my life has been a journey. I suppose this is the same for anyone really, life really is just a journey. However I feel as if the discovery of me has been a journey.
I don’t know if this is normal, I suppose its another one of the delights of dealing with Borderline Personality Disorder… but whatever. Discovering me has been a journey, most of the time I am still unsure of exactly who I am, what I like and what I dislike. I am getting much better at this, and I have figured a lot of me out.
I think adoption, in many ways, strips adoptee’s of the very basis of the people that they are. As an adoptee I was stripped of the ability to look at someone else around me and understand where I came from. I understand that a lot of unadopted people do not necessarily ‘fit’ in their biological families, I understand that this world isn’t perfect.
However, many times I feel like I was the ugly duckling…
And it turns out I wasn’t even a duckling after all.
I am a swan, or a goose… or a giraffe… or a hippo or something.
Regardless… I was always just one weird looking duckling.
Turns out though, for as frustrating as it is to be the ugly duckling, I still like my duck family.
I like it even more now that I understand that I wasn’t an ugly duckling!!!
Now I am just my own person.
One of my favorite things about this fight, this fight to find myself, is that I can honestly say that the likes and dislikes I have are because I decided that I liked or disliked them. Not because I had an outside influence telling me I liked it.
Through this recovery process, through this life journey, I have discovered a lot of things. One of them is that I am who I am, and I can either accept it, or fight it. However, I have also learned that fighting who I am accomplishes completely nothing, and in all reality, fighting myself is a waste of time. I suppose I should re word this to fighting the things I cannot change about myself. Or berating myself for not fighting the things I can change… its kinda the same concept, its a waste of time.
Instead, I put that energy into discovering the things about me that I can change, finding the things about me that make me actually apreciate being alive.
Discovering the things that make me appreciate this world I live in.
I can honestly say that there are times where I appreciate that I was adopted. For as much as my life has been a struggle, for as much as adoption stripped me of the very basis of the person that I am. I have found a much better person inside. I don’t think I would have ever found that person if I hadn’t been adopted. If I hadn’t had the experiences and the life that I did have.
Whether it is all part of a larger plan, or just the way life is, adoption has become something that I have learned to accept, even embrace.
It has helped me discover who I truly am inside, because it was never handed to me. It was never given to me the way it is for most people, I instead, had to fight for it. You know what? I really don’t mind. I am a thinker, I think about everything, all the time. I think if I didn’t have some kind of mental challenge I would be bored, I would sink into a hole deeper than anything I have ever been in.
I believe that I have prospered from it, because I had to fight so hard for it. Its like the rich spoiled kids who never have to fight for anything, who never have to learn the concept of fending for themselves. I can honestly say that I am the person that I am today due to nothing other than me and my ability to fight.
I have gone from a chronically suicidal, self injuring borderline, to someone who can sit out outside my apartment complex with my cat on his leash and honestly say I like who I am, and I like the life I live.
It turns out I don’t mind life so much after all.