I have so many thoughts, and sometimes I find it hard to find a place to start.
My brain in a way jumbles everything together, so that there isn’t much of a logical order. How suprising! Given that nothing in my life is organized.
I am finding it hard to organize my feelings in my head. My feelings about my bparents that is. It used to be just my bmom, my Meemo, that I was having a tough time organizing. Now however, I have my bdad thrown in there too. And well, he is quite amazing. Really, I look at both of my parents, my bparents, and am astonished at how amazing they are. And how much like ME they are! Or I should say, how much I am like them.
I am like my parents.
I WANT to be like my parents.
Some people might look at them and say… Why? What makes them so special. What makes them so different from every other person on the face of this planet.
If I listed them, the list would go on and on. Someday I shall, make my list of things I love about my parents. Who woulda thought that right? My list of things I love. And boy do I love.
Right now I am just trying to figure out where it all fits. I was working on that place for my Meemo, and I had to throw my dad in there too. In a lot of ways I am happy that I did that when I did. It gave me time to get to know my Meemo before I threw my dad in, but it is also giving me time to figure it ALL out, when they are still both so new.
Their relationship was an interesting one. I suppose I still don’t know the details, but I didn’t have a clue as to much of it until I made that phone call. I stirred up emotions, memories, thoughts, on all parties. Dad, Mom, daughter. All that are involved. And I sat on a park bench with the two of them and just watched the look in their eyes.
Watched the look of people who once held each others hearts, and didn’t even have a clue how much.
I felt like an outsider, but at the same time I felt like I fit. Like the last puzzle peice was put there, and suddenly I was surrounded by those who made me whole. Surrounded by the two people who made my life possible to begin with.
Two people who have come a long, long way since those days. And that parrallel life, once again, flashed before my eyes.
I forget how much adoption affects EVERYONE, not just the adoptee, and not just the ADOPTION aspect of it. It is so easy to put that label on it, adoption. So easy to say, oh these feelings are from adoption, but they are so much deeper than that. So much more complicated. Its about life, its about people.
Its so easy for me to pretend I am the only one in pain. I could see otherwise in my fathers eyes. My fathers tear filled eyes as he looked at his own flesh and blood 24 years after she was born. As he handed me a picture of a sister I have never met, who amazingly, looks just like me. In my parents eyes, when they met again, in the presence of that child that brought them back together in the first place. Pain, joy and wonderment.
Oh how amazingly complicated life can be.
I am meeting my fathers wife, for the first time this sunday. I am spending some of Fathers day with the man who can biologically lay claim to me in fatherhood. I am spending Fathers day with my father, and his wife…
I am scared. I was talking to my Meemo about it, about the ‘enemy complex’
Maybe that sounds strange, I know she isn’t an enemy. In fact, she seems really really nice. She has already emailed me welcoming me to the family. Talked to me a bit on how she feels, and how she understands how I must feel about this whole thing. About how overwhelming it is for both of us.
Yet another stranger, and yet, our lives are connected, without either one of us ever knowing.
I don’t think of her as an enemy, but I have that ‘enemy complex’ there none the less.
I have that, oh, ok, so your my dads ‘other’ girlfriend. Only he married her. He married her while my Meemo was pregnant with me. And my Meemo was the ‘other’ girlfriend… not her.
I guess that breaks my heart, and I don’t even know who for. It just hurts my heart. It hurts because I am partial to my Meemo, I am very loyal to her. She is, after all, my mother.
Maybe I am just strange, and need to get over it.
I am however, compleatly willing to give this woman a chance, she is giving me one. She is accepting me, because she accepts him, and I am a part of him.
I accept my father, so I accept her too, she is also, a part of him. She is very much a part of all my siblings, all the other people who also share my genes.
Its just hard, more emotions, more feelings. More things I am not so sure what to do about. I guess sometimes it just helps to spit them out here.