I am so tired, I need to sleep. But I can’t.
I just keep thinking about the events of the day, the events of my life. Today was fathers day, and I spent it with my actual father.
He is truly an amazing person, he really is. He looks at me like he loves me, he hugs me like he loves me. He has all these plans for me to meet the family, meet all these people.
God I just don’t know if I am ready for this. I don’t know if I am ready for this love, ready for this fear. Ready for this relationship.
I feel like waving a big red flag in front of his face….
WARNING: Has abandonment issues
WARNING: Has attachment issues
WARNING: Really sucks at relationships
DANGER WILL ROBINSON! DANGER!
That paralyzing fear, that fear of being not liked, that fear of being rejected. That fear of him discovering I am not the cute happy and bubbly person he seems to love so much. I am so much more than that. I am so so scared.
I promised myself it was going to be different this time. I promised myself I wasn’t going to love him, I wasn’t going to get attached. I wasn’t going to care like I care with my Meemo. I wasn’t going to allow myself to do this all over again.
All I wanted was a picture.
I am happy he likes me, I am happy that he seems to love me. I am happy that his family wants to meet me. I am happy that they are all welcoming me with open arms.
I just don’t know if I can do this. More people = more opportunity for disappointment. More opportunity for pain. More opportunity to screw things up like I am just so freaking good at doing. I am not good at connecting. In fact, for the most part, I just don’t do it. I don’t connect, I don’t let people in. Its too hard, its too scary, but sometimes, my heart gets ahead of my brain. My heart takes a chance that my brain isn’t ready to take.
My heart is already taking this chance, and damn it, my brain isn’t ready for this!!!
My brain is still trying to wrap itself around my Meemo.
I spent the weekend dog sitting her dog. Well really, I spent the weekend in a house I didn’t have to fuss with, with animals that just wanted me to love them. What more could I ask for? I ended up going on a little mini cleaning spree… not real sure where the hell that came from, I suppose sometimes it just comes. I am very strange like that. I suppose I was trying to distract myself from feelings and thoughts I didn’t want to feel. Things I don’t understand, and I suppose I never will. Trying to place how I feel about everything.
I realized, above all, that I feel very out of control.
I don’t like that one bit.
I am trying to regain control of everything.
My life has just been a spiral, and every time I think I have gotten everything somewhat settled, things blow up again. So much for calm. Maybe I just get bored when its calm? I don’t understand it.
In all reality, I am still reeling from buying a new car… god that was only weeks ago. Still trying to figure out how I am going to afford it. How I am going to work this out. Realizing that my job just doesn’t pay enough, and its stressing me out too much.
Realizing that I need to get a new one.
Realizing that I need to leave the children I have helped raise for the last six years. ( thats my job, working in a child care )
Then there is my dad… My dad, my dad, my dad. He is my dad. I need a name for him, a name like Meemo. Because B. is too impersonal, and dad doesn’t work to separate my now two fathers.
And oh the emotions from this!
Oh… and I adopted a cat today… yep, a cat. Why not throw something else in? A cat! I already have a cat, and a rabbit, in a very small apartment.
But B., L. (his wife) and I went into the pet store. And I saw kitty.
We were in the pet store to buy duck food, there is a duck pond near where I live, and we went there and fed the ducks bread. Well we all wanted to feed them some more (there are a lot of ducks) so we went to buy duck food. And I came out with a cat instead.
A ten year old, tiger striped cat named Kitty.
Kitty the cat.
My Cuppy, my cat, is less then amused. Oh well, for another day.
I think it was because I needed control. I don’t know how that even makes sense, but I needed some control. I needed to make a decision that I could control. I wanted that cat. Something about Kitty spoke to me, spoke to me more than any other cat in a cage in a shelter ever has. And there was nothing about her that would make her stand out. She just stood out to me. I wanted her, and I adopted her. With my father, the one who made me, standing right there.
I wonder if he thinks I am nuts. The funniest thing, I don’t think he does.
I even let him into my apartment, my messy, off limits apartment. He didn’t mind, he didn’t say anything, just laughed and said, yep, you fit right in with us.
God I am so not ready for this!! My heart wants to be ready, but my head is screaming back off Jessie. BACK UP! Do not love, DO NOT!
Love = pain.
My heart is already winning.