A moment in a thought

My thoughts, in my life, of adoption and other such things

Looking out for that hole in the road June 23, 2007

There are a great many times when I wish life were easier.  A great many times when perhaps I just wish I didn’t have to live it at all. 

The good moments seem so few and far between, and the bad ones stick out in my head like a fat person at an anorexia clinic. 

This past year/two years has been the hardest of my life.  Probably because I was actually in ‘reality’ for them. 

With Borderline personality disorder, you spend so much of your life not in reality, that when reality hits you, its something like a ton of bricks.  Its scary, and its hard.  But I am learning to deal. 

I am learning to find myself in this mixed up weird life I have. 

I thought my whirlwind was over, it turns out it wasn’t.  I am hoping to god that it ends soon.  Because I am at my wits last end.  Unfortunately, just about every relationship I have is suffering because of it.  Mostly the one with my Meemo. 

I stand on a fine line lately, a fine line between staying in the life I have fought so hard to create with myself through therapy, and falling into the hole that is Borderline (BPD).  

Sometimes lately, its just been too damn easy to fall in that hole.  Its safer, its more understood, and I know what to expect.  However, for all its safety, its also torture.  Safe torture, but torture none the less. 

However, staying OUT of that hole isn’t as easy as it seems.  I spent a great many years of my life in that hole. 

I have a lot of things going on in my life.  Financially, I am in a hole… a big, big huge hole.  I bought a new car, my adad told me he would help me with it.  I knew I couldn’t afford it, he wanted me to have it.  Now I am finding myself between a rock and a hard place, I don’t want to keep asking my adad for money.  But I just can’t do this.  I made my first car payment, and bounced my rent check, have NO idea where I am going to get the money for all the rest of my bills.  The stress of this, and knowing I need to get a new job, is unbelievable.   

I have met my bdad, he’s a great guy.  But there is that hole again, that borderline hole I want to fall in.  That torturous hole, I almost want to scream in his face, get away while you can!!!  I know I am better than this, I know that I can do this, I can form a relationship with him.  Why not?  What is so wrong with me really, that I wouldn’t be able to.  Oh yeah, everything. 

He wants me to meet his family, his WHOLE family, I am really scared.  A.  I don’t like crowds of people.  B.  I am scared.  I will be the center of attention, and what if they don’t like me. 

I am trying to reform a relationship with my amom, so far its working pretty well.  I have come a long way with that. 

Mostly, I just wish I knew how to let myself out of the hole, once and for all.  I wish I knew how to let myself shine through instead of being so afraid of everything. 

It is when I am scared the most, that I trip and fall the most.  When I make the most mistakes, and when I do things wrong. 

When I look for the advise of others instead of trusting my own instincts. 

I have had so many trust issues along the way, and I realized, that first and foremost, I need to trust myself.  But how?  How does one begin to do this? 

I have to learn to open up, while still holding myself together.  I have to learn to separate my fears from the person that I am.  I have to learn that its ok not to remain where its safe, its ok not to remain in that hole.  Take risks… don’t be so afraid of life and others. 

Don’t be so afraid of screwing up!  I think if I tried LESS hard to screw up… I would screw up less!  Its when I am trying the hardest that everything backfires on me.  Maybe I should just try harder to be me. 

Its almost like that hole is my protection, but its silly, because its torture, it hurts me more than anything. 

I feel so very often like it is the world that hurts me, but in reality, I hurt myself more than anyone else does.  

I just wish I knew, really knew, how to change all this.  I wish I knew a concrete way to avoid falling in that hole.  I am making others around me crazy… people at work, my Meemo, my friends, my therapist, everyone.  My inability to get my feet back on the ground is affecting those around me, and thats just not fair.  My own issues need to stop affecting my relationships with others.  And its so easy to lay blame, but really, the blame lays with me.  I am the one who is letting things affect me.  I am the one who is letting certain feelings overtake me.  I just wish I knew how to get my life all back in order again. 

I need to get my grip back on all the aspects in my life, the problem is, I just don’t know how.  I don’t know how to right everything I have knocked over.  I don’t know how to fix all my wrongs. 

Mostly, I need to learn how to keep them from happening again.  I need to learn how to stop falling into that hole thats there.  I need to learn how to see it so that I can avoid falling into it. 

I think I am so busy looking backwards, so busy concentrating on the past, on the things I can’t control, that I miss whats right in front of me.  Maybe it is as simple as just turning around. 

Concentrating on what I can control instead of what I can’t.  Concentrating on the road ahead of me, instead of the road behind, so when that damn hole comes again, I don’t fall in. 


3 Responses to “Looking out for that hole in the road”

  1. Beth Says:

    Oh Jessie. Jessie, my dear.
    It’s like looking in a mirror I tell you.

    I have been there.

    It get’s better. Check out my latest blog entry on my “mommy” blog.

    You’ll see what I mean.


  2. elizabeth Says:

    Oh Jessie, hang in there girl. I’m rooting for you. I think you are so hard on yourself, and you don’t need to be! You are doing great. From where I sit, you are fabulous. Sending hugs.

  3. Justice Says:

    It’s just get up again, all life long. You’re doing great! Even if it doesn’t look like it from where you are. You’re only human…

    Just like the rest of us…

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