A moment in a thought

My thoughts, in my life, of adoption and other such things

Reflecting June 28, 2007

Filed under: life,People,reflection,Self Discovery,thoughts — Jessie @ 8:56 pm

God I miss my computer…

And somehow I feel sufficiently pathetic for that being the case!  I am at my Dads house, on his computer, I asked if he minded if I got online.  He just sorta looked at me like, what?  You want to use our computer? 

He doesn’t even know how to turn it on.  Much less how addicting it can be.  He doesn’t understand how many hours can be wasted doing pretty much nothing while sitting in one spot.  To him TV is the high form of lazy entertainment.  Oh no, not me, I can’t even tell you what the newest TV shows are.

But I can tell you that my computer has been gone since Monday at 605 pm and I am not amused by it in the slightest! 

I have however, found out a great deal about myself in these last few days.  I am going to the gym on a regular basis!  Woo hoo for unlaziness. 

Most of all, I have been reflecting.  I have always been the type to take time to self reflect, really its one of the things I do best.  I can spend hours within the limits of my own mind and be perfectly alright with that.  I don’t really understand it, but as of late, I have learned not to judge it. 

In these few computerless days I have found my string of thoughts, and not told them to shut up, not distracted them away, just sort of let it come. 

I have learned not to judge myself, for who the hell is going to tell me that my way of thinking is wrong, except for me.  I don’t really understand where I got off thinking it was so wrong to begin with.  There is nothing ‘wrong’ with me.  I just don’t fit the norm. 

Who the hell wants to fit the norm anyway… sure as hell not me. 

I suppose for now, at least until I get out of this self reflective period in my life, perhaps forever, my blog shall turn into my place for my thoughts.  Well what a silly idea, isn’t that what it is anyway? 

In a way, I suppose, but often times I find myself wracking my brain for all those thoughts that go along with being adopted… and well… they are there.  But they don’t absorb everything.  Thankful for that, but really, I have discovered that I allow myself to feel these things, then also allow them to pass through.  DBT calls this the teflon mind… nothing sticks. 

I do not allow adoption to stick.  Oh yes, it sure as hell hurts at times but if I allow the pain to come, and then leave, it doesn’t hurt nearly as bad, its ok, and surprisingly enough… I am still dealing with it. 

Plus I have found our lovely adoptee forum.  I love it there… love that I have somewhere to stick my adoption poo poo and leave it be. 

So for now… this blog will really be… a moment in a thought.  A moment in the thoughts of me. 

Me.  Oh jeez… can I just say how much I have discovered that I absolutely REVEL in being alone?  Oh yes, revel in it. 

Yet, I don’t like to be lonely… explain that one to me! 

I just realized, that I have no idea how the hell I am going to get married, have children, anything that requires me to be around a person ALL the time. 

Married would be ok, married I could handle.  After all, there are people that I like to be around, really like to be around.  Sure they are very few and far between… but they exist.  I could get married as long as my husband respects my need for space, respects my need for that ‘me’ time.  Meaning me myself and I… not me myself and I in the same room with someone else.  Oh no, that won’t work.  I need a husband that won’t mind being in the same house, just not in the same god damned room all the time. 

Oh and if he could be quiet… that would be great too. 

But children?  I don’t quite know about children.  Children don’t really go away, they don’t leave you alone.  And I can’t come and go as I please. 

I suppose, during this reflective period, I have learned I am not ready for children, at least not right now.  (Not that I was going to pop them out anyway) but really… no need for them at this moment.  Nope not at all, I have enough of them at work that I can borrow… then return them home again.

Its just silly, this need to be alone.  Well I suppose it isn’t silly, I guess its just me.  I just have this no people attitude. 

I thought I didn’t like people, but I discovered that isn’t really the case either.  I like people enough, I am just a sort of quiet observer, I like to observe people, but not interact with them.  Interaction means a whole big bunch of things, things I don’t wish to have.  I also don’t like to be too close to people.  Closeness is a form of interaction, even if it isn’t communicative, its interaction.  I prefer to observe in a place where people are unlikly to observe me.  Therefore getting rid of that whole interaction thing.  But people by and large are ok… there are still plenty I don’t like.  But there are plenty I do like as well.  Things people say, people do, that make me smile and give me a greater hope for humanity.  In my quiet and observant way…

Perhaps I really am strange, ah well, strange I may be.  However, I am nothing short of me. 

Ahh I could write forever but I fear it would be terribly long and boring.  So I shall save more of my moments in thoughts in the next time I can hijack someone Else’s computer.  (god I HATE dial up!!  Spoiled anyone?) 

So for now… I go back to my internet free world… leave the house full of people, and children.  And go back to the things I can tolerate being with me all the time. 

My animals… gosh I love my pets… they are awesome. 

Maybe I will just become one of those crazy old cat ladies… wouldn’t that be fun!?

 

3 Responses to “Reflecting”

  1. Lillie Says:

    ((Jessie))

    Ok, if you do become a crazy cat lady, just promise you won’t quit AFC. We’d miss you too much.

    Take care, and you know, yeah…maybe not having a computer can be a good thing, yanno? Take care sweets, and looking forward to seeing you ’round again!

    Lillie

  2. elizabeth Says:

    Jessie we are so very much alike.

  3. Andie D. Says:

    The need to be alone is so not silly. I’m 36, married with two kids, a cat, and a dog and I DREAM about being alone. I’ve always liked it.

    The kid thing? NO HURRY. Really. Because you’re right – they never go away. And when they are little they are a big ass bundle of need.

    But then your newborn looks right in your eyes, eyes wide open, trusting, searching, and nothing else exists but your love for that person.

    OK, I’ll stop now. 😉


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