Ah, I have been so meaning to blog but just havn’t gotten around to it.
Technically my computer is fixed, I got the call today to come and pick it up. However, I am about 80 miles away in a very very country setting.
Somewhere I can actually see all the stars in the sky. Its quite amazing to if I might say so myself.
I am at my bdads… I don’t even need to call him my bdad, he asked me on Sunday if I would feel comfortable calling him Dad.
Well that is definetly not the way I imagined all of this going.
I also have a sister, E. who is so much like me its almost scary. I have never been like anyone in my life, and I now have two people that I am very much like, in very different ways.
Oh sure, there is also a whole bunch of me thrown in, but I like it, I like having a sister I can relate to. We have gotten along amazingly well, all of us.
I even have a Niece, I have never had a niece, and I have to say, I am quite fond of the little kid. Shes quite cute, really smart, and likes me. The first time I heard Aunt Jessie I almost melted, I have a niece. I love her already.
In these last few days, week or so, I have really done a lot of thinking, a lot of self examining, and a lot of reflecting. As proven in my last post as well.
I have allowed myself to grow up, I know this sounds silly, as I am 24 years old, already a grown up.
However, I allowed myself to let go of a lot of the things and issues that have been holding me back, even a lot of the ones that have to do with adoption.
For the first time in my life, I am not terrified of being abandoned, I know that the people I have are either still going to be around, or they are not. It isn’t a great feeling, but one I am learning to sit with. After all, fear accomplishes nothing, being afraid something is going to happen doesn’t help anything, in fact, a lot of the time it hurts.
I am learning to let go of my fears.
I have discovered the joy of true self reflection, of truly saying, ok this is my life, and this is what is in it at the moment. I can either be radically accepting of it, or I cannot. I have learned that I need to be radically accepting of the things that I am unable to change. There are a great many things I cannot change. And I guess I had some childish hope inside that they would.
Like the big scratch I now have in the side of my car, I can’t change it, I can work on saving up money to get it fixed, but I cannot change the fact that it is there. I can however accept it.
It is a little bit of that control that I talked about in my last blog entry. There are things I can control, and things I can’t. I have learned that in taking control of the things I CAN change, can control, it has made me feel much more in control of other aspects of my life.
I can control how I react to certain situations, and I can control the emotional child that I have allowed myself to revert to for so many months now. I have two choices, to be accepting, or to not.
I am chosing accepting, I am accepting my life, and my place in it. I am also accepting my roles and responsibilities of the adult that I am… instead of the child that it is more comfortable to be.
I already feel better, I feel like I have taken the reins of my own life instead of allowing others to control it.
And I have found a little niche, a little one about 80 miles away from the place that I live, a place that feels like a vacation from the real world.
A place where the acceptance of me is only validated by those that surround me. Even the dogs… and there are four of them. One of whom is a gigantic great dane that has taken quite a liking to me 🙂