God, where do I start, where do I begin.
Sometimes I wonder when life is going to stop being so emotional, perhaps it just isn’t. Perhaps I am just doomed to be stuck in a whirlwind of feelings that make me feel as if I am going to split into a million pieces at any moment.
Sometimes I really envy my Meemo’s ability to just seemingly not give a shit about anything.
Me however, I get my emotions from my Dad… and boy did I get a hell of a lot of them.
My life flips between heaven and hell. Heaven being my bDads house… I am just going to call him Dad for now on. When I refer to Dad, its my bdad… my Dad and Mama L. Or just Mom. Mama L. is my Dads wife… my biological-step-mother… but hell thats a long name. So Mama L. She shall be.
The two of them, they are the home I have never had. The loving, doting, understanding parents that I just never got. The people who are now the holders of my heart.
The funniest thing? I never expected to like her, I just figured she would just be like, there. I figured I would be the enemy… after all, I am the enemy’s daughter! I would have a hell of a time separating those things… somehow, amazingly, she can.
She loves me. How the hell did that happen? And you know, I love her back. Love her to death actually! Its hard for me, to split that kind of love between two people in my life, always has been. I have been a one person kind of girl. But nope, kinda hard for me there. I love both of them… My mom and dad.
And no one can tell me otherwise.
I have a family, I have a home. I can’t tell you for how long I have needed these things. Well I shouldn’t say needed them, after all, I survived quite fine, for quite a long time without it. In fact, I never really knew what it felt like to really ‘feel’ like a family. To really feel accepted, loved, unconditionally, without judgement, without fear. And by two people none the less.
My life on the weekends is filled with this sense of acceptance, where the worse thing that can happen is Mama L. reads the last chapter of my new Harry Potter book, and therefor knows how it ends. When I don’t want to know… knowing that she does know drives me insane!
Where the best thing that can happen is she comes up with a name… for us adoptees, we know how important a pet name can be (Possum?? Stick up for me on this one?)
Mine is Melon.
Yep Melon. She saved herself from me being really mad about Harry, by calling me Melon.
I thought it was because me, Dad and my new grandma pretty much finished off a whole watermelon by ourselves.
Nope, nothing to do with that… I am her mushy melon. Thats what she said… you’re my mushy melon. (Which has nothing to do with me being fat… LOL) Just cuz I am a mush… and someone amazingly likes that.
So yeah, she distracted me from Harry for a while with that.
But anyway… thats my weekend, my weekend of being Melon, cuddling on the couch, and Harry Potter.
I come home to reality, and well, reality sucks. It makes it even harder to leave, because I know what I am coming back too.
Back to a place where I am judged, back to a world where the negative emotions rule. Where my sister and I have a talk about her…. and her life. And the hell she is stuck in.
She is stuck in the Hell that I lived back when I lived with my amom. Only she can’t just pack her things and leave.
Only she doesn’t have another family to turn to.
My adad, as much as I love him, has moved on. He has moved on to his other children (biological) with his other wife, and his other life. He treats my sister like she is an adult.
Which would be fine, if she were. However, my sister is mentally a child. She is mildly mentally retarded. Smart enough to know she is in Hell, not smart enough to be able to actually do something about it, like get out.
When my adad dotes on his ‘new’ children, it kills her. She wants that love, that acceptance. She wants away from my amom. She can’t, shes stuck.
I am so torn, I wish there was something I can do, but legally, there is nothing. My amother made her sign her life away to her. My sister had to sign paperwork relinquishing her own legal rights to herself… the ones we all gain at the age of 18. She signed them away, and gave them to my amom.
Meaning my controlling, semi-crazy, witch of an amother, has complete control of my sisters life. And my sister is 20 years old.
Now that I am gone? The emotional abuse that I suffered for so many years is now being poured onto my sister… the food issues, the emotional issues, the body issues, the self issues, the screaming, all being poured onto her. I was the scapegoat, and now I am not there anymore.
My poor sister is getting the brunt of it, and she can’t handle it anymore.
I told her she needs to get into therapy, I guess she brought it up to my amom, and she got the response that broke my heart, the response that I remember getting oh so many years ago. When I first knew I was losing my mind.
“I can’t afford that, what do you need that for, you are fine, if you have a problem, talk to me!”
My heart breaks in two for my sister, and breaks in two for myself. Breaks in two for me, because there is nothing I can do, but emotionally, I suck at handling her. I am almost empathic, always have been, which is why I don’t connect. Their emotions become my emotions. I come home from a weekend of being somebody’s baby, and I get to be the only string my sister has. Unfortunately being her only string brings me to a place that I just emotionally can’t handle. However, I love my sister, and I will be that string, for as long as I possibly and mentally can be.
God, I wish, I wish for a million years that I was strong enough to handle it. I wish there was something I could do. I wish I could slap my amother in the face and scream at her the way I was screamed at for so many years.
Tell her that she has one more shot, one more child… don’t F it up mother… because shes all you got. You lost me years ago.
I don’t think she even knows what she does, by my heart breaks for my sister, and knowing there is nothing I can do.
Knowing that starting now, I will be counting the days, hours, minutes, until I can go back to my safe haven. Where I can hide from reality and just suck up the one thing that I have lacked for years and years.
Wishing to god my sister had one too.
Wishing to god that I had some kind of idea on what the hell to do.