A moment in a thought

My thoughts, in my life, of adoption and other such things

A ramble in a thought July 25, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jessie @ 9:19 pm

Sometimes I wonder if life is really always the same, if the stress and turmoil ends, if it somehow just starts to get easier somewhere along the line. 

Pretty much every time I think I have gotten all my ducks in a row, I discover that they are so far from a row, I don’t know how the hell I thought they were in one in the first place.

I am so tired of hiding all my feelings, so tired of everything being a stress just because emotionally, I seem to not be able to handle keeping it inside myself.  I wonder where the hell the balance is, the balance between hiding it all, and letting it all out loose. 

Some days I sit here and I want to write, but don’t for fear that not much that could come out of my mouth at the time would make much sense, thats how I feel right now.

Have you ever loved someone, so much, that it just hurt.  Have you ever wanted to try so hard to make them realize what they mean to you, that you would be willing, despite every terrifying fear of heights, to jump out of a plane with a sign that just says… I love you, please just accept me?

My whole life, I feel like I was never much accepted, at least not in any way that would constitute 100% acceptance of everything that I am, every feeling that I have, and everything that I can be. 

Perhaps I was accepted, and I was just looking in the wrong place.  Perhaps I just don’t know what the hell I am talking about. 

Reunion sucks… it can be good, and it can suck.  I have two reunions really, the one with my Dad, and the one with my Mom.  The one with my Mom?  God I don’t even know what to think about that anymore.  Its like sometimes that we are two of the same people on completely different wavelengths.  Everything we say, and everything we do, just doesn’t match. 

We piss each other off, we annoy the hell out of each other.  Sometimes I feel like she can’t stand to be in the same room with me.  Sometimes I long for her more than any other person in this world, and other times I just wish it could be so, so different, but since it can’t, I wish for it all to just go away. 

I hate this… hate it with all my might, my passion, my everything.  As I feel like its just one more thing that I just cannot do right.  One more thing that I just screw up beyond belief.  Yet I know that I am not completely at fault.

There is something about the two of us, something about our personalities that are just so much alike, and yet not alike enough, that we clash, horribly it seems. 

I tried my damnedest to change who I was so we were enough alike that we didn’t clash anymore, that sure as hell didn’t work. 

I am discovering that I have the ability, in my brain, and in my heart, to realize that despite all my seeming strengths here, that I have not allowed myself to be the only person I can be, and that is me. 

I guess I have just spent so many nights wondering who exactly me is.  This whole adoption/reunion is just really tripping me out.  Really messing with my head, especially now. 

I have a too good to be true reunion with my Dad, I have a new mom, my Mama L.  Who I love more than I ever expected myself to be able to. 

Then I have my Mom.  My Meemo.  Somebody needs to find me a book on how the hell to do this!  Perhaps I shall write my own if I manage to survive this. 

Is it possible to miss someone, and yet not want to see them at the same time? 

Is it possible to have so many conflicting feelings that you just don’t know WHAT to do with them, or yourself?  I just get through the day, and tell myself that I am so much better, and so much stronger than this

Surprisingly enough, its actually been working.  I have found that every step that I have made forward, is making me stronger.  Making the person that I am stronger.  Making myself at least feel a little better, and a little more in control of the parts of the situations that I can control.  It makes me less aware of the parts of the situations I cannot control.

I have found this strength, something that comes from somewhere so deep inside me I cannot even describe it, I just know its there. 

However, in the habit that is me, I also find myself fighting this strength because it doesn’t even feel like it belongs to me.  It feels like I should curl back up into the hole I have felt so safe in for so many years, just because I know what to expect.  Where this strength of mine would rather just stand on a mountain top and scream for all to hear that I am not as weak as I appear. 

Some days I even know, in the deepest depths of my heart what kind of person that I really am.  I realize that that person, above any, deserves a fighting chance at everything amazing that person can be. 

Sometimes it even amazes me that that person is me.

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9 Responses to “A ramble in a thought”

  1. Jen Says:

    Jessie,

    I just found your blog last weekend. When I started reading it, I about fell out of my chair. Why? Because you remind me so much of myself, that I would have to say that we’re about 95% alike! Scary, huh? I’m an adoptee too. Abandonment issues suck. Email me.

    Jen

  2. Elizabeth Says:

    Amazing post Jessie.

  3. Possum Says:

    You have an amazing strength growing inside of you Jessie.
    Have faith in YOU – listen to what comes from inside.
    Do not allow others with other agendas to sway you from your path.
    You deserve to be fully loved JUST for the beautiful person that you are.
    For those that have a problem with that concept – need to do some soul searching of their own.
    Sending you hugs from across the sea.
    Poss. xxx

  4. mayzie Says:

    I hope you don’t mind. I wrote a post referring to this blog. If you want me to remove it or change it to another link just let me know.

    Mayzie

  5. tina Says:

    Hiya, It seems dead selfish for me to say I’m glad someone understands how I feel. I’m not glad, I wouldnt wish my mixed up head on anyone. Reading your posts has told me Im not mad! Others in the same situation feel the same mixed up madness. Keep finding strength. Can I put a link to you on my blog. Its called adopting my identity. I wont link unless you say its ok.
    take care love tina x

  6. mia Says:

    Yea, reunion is tricky and there are so many variables that I’m not sure an effective “how to” book could even be written. I think the book Birthbond is about reunion. I read it a LONG time ago so no promises on it’s content but I seem to recall it being all about reunion.

    Hang in there sweetie!

  7. Nina Says:

    Hey Jesse,

    Forgive me if I sound condescending…but I’m in total agreement. Reunion can and often does suck. (Although it’s still the best thing I did, some great things have come out it). I’d started some major therapy and identified my issues months before I dared meet my mother, sensing something sorta “unsafe” about her. But there’s something about turning 40 that makes things click into place…maybe a better sense of self and a very nice set of bronze balls? I think dealing with my mother would have absolutely turned me upset down and left me there if I had met her while still in my twenties or my 30’s: very vulnerable decades. Because, I’d like to point out, of my issues directly related to being adopted. So I give you a LOT of credit for dealing w/one of the hardest things to do. And as painful as the situation is with your mother, kudos for riding the rollercoaster!

  8. Andie D. Says:

    Looks like a lot of us can identify with what your wrote. I have only recently begun to come to a place where I have a little peace about my relationship with my bmom. I’m trying to take a “it is what it is and that’s all it is” approach.

    Trying.

  9. yanasrikandi Says:

    It was a difficult post, but very strong and honest. I can relate to some things and was affected by all. Try to like that strong part in you and remeber how good it feels.

    Kind regards,

    Yana


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