Sometimes I wonder if life is really always the same, if the stress and turmoil ends, if it somehow just starts to get easier somewhere along the line.
Pretty much every time I think I have gotten all my ducks in a row, I discover that they are so far from a row, I don’t know how the hell I thought they were in one in the first place.
I am so tired of hiding all my feelings, so tired of everything being a stress just because emotionally, I seem to not be able to handle keeping it inside myself. I wonder where the hell the balance is, the balance between hiding it all, and letting it all out loose.
Some days I sit here and I want to write, but don’t for fear that not much that could come out of my mouth at the time would make much sense, thats how I feel right now.
Have you ever loved someone, so much, that it just hurt. Have you ever wanted to try so hard to make them realize what they mean to you, that you would be willing, despite every terrifying fear of heights, to jump out of a plane with a sign that just says… I love you, please just accept me?
My whole life, I feel like I was never much accepted, at least not in any way that would constitute 100% acceptance of everything that I am, every feeling that I have, and everything that I can be.
Perhaps I was accepted, and I was just looking in the wrong place. Perhaps I just don’t know what the hell I am talking about.
Reunion sucks… it can be good, and it can suck. I have two reunions really, the one with my Dad, and the one with my Mom. The one with my Mom? God I don’t even know what to think about that anymore. Its like sometimes that we are two of the same people on completely different wavelengths. Everything we say, and everything we do, just doesn’t match.
We piss each other off, we annoy the hell out of each other. Sometimes I feel like she can’t stand to be in the same room with me. Sometimes I long for her more than any other person in this world, and other times I just wish it could be so, so different, but since it can’t, I wish for it all to just go away.
I hate this… hate it with all my might, my passion, my everything. As I feel like its just one more thing that I just cannot do right. One more thing that I just screw up beyond belief. Yet I know that I am not completely at fault.
There is something about the two of us, something about our personalities that are just so much alike, and yet not alike enough, that we clash, horribly it seems.
I tried my damnedest to change who I was so we were enough alike that we didn’t clash anymore, that sure as hell didn’t work.
I am discovering that I have the ability, in my brain, and in my heart, to realize that despite all my seeming strengths here, that I have not allowed myself to be the only person I can be, and that is me.
I guess I have just spent so many nights wondering who exactly me is. This whole adoption/reunion is just really tripping me out. Really messing with my head, especially now.
I have a too good to be true reunion with my Dad, I have a new mom, my Mama L. Who I love more than I ever expected myself to be able to.
Then I have my Mom. My Meemo. Somebody needs to find me a book on how the hell to do this! Perhaps I shall write my own if I manage to survive this.
Is it possible to miss someone, and yet not want to see them at the same time?
Is it possible to have so many conflicting feelings that you just don’t know WHAT to do with them, or yourself? I just get through the day, and tell myself that I am so much better, and so much stronger than this
Surprisingly enough, its actually been working. I have found that every step that I have made forward, is making me stronger. Making the person that I am stronger. Making myself at least feel a little better, and a little more in control of the parts of the situations that I can control. It makes me less aware of the parts of the situations I cannot control.
I have found this strength, something that comes from somewhere so deep inside me I cannot even describe it, I just know its there.
However, in the habit that is me, I also find myself fighting this strength because it doesn’t even feel like it belongs to me. It feels like I should curl back up into the hole I have felt so safe in for so many years, just because I know what to expect. Where this strength of mine would rather just stand on a mountain top and scream for all to hear that I am not as weak as I appear.
Some days I even know, in the deepest depths of my heart what kind of person that I really am. I realize that that person, above any, deserves a fighting chance at everything amazing that person can be.
Sometimes it even amazes me that that person is me.