And what a question that is.
Who am I? Really, WHO am I? I have so often wondered the answer to that question. In the nature of me, and the nature of the diagnosis of BPD the question Who am I comes up quite often. If you had asked me 10 years ago… five years ago… I probably would have looked at you like you were out of your mind. I had no idea who I was, or even how to begin an accurate description of me. I was whatever I wanted to be, a personal chameleon that could fit well into any situation. Belong with any group of people. Only I never really did BELONG, just pretended. And silently hoped that no one would notice the chameleon in their midst.
Over the years I have developed something that would qualify as a sense of self. I learned to lable things at put them into perspective and say, yeah, this is me, I like this. I could even tell you reasons why I liked those things. I have learned to allow myself to be myself, without questioning that too much. Granted it doesn’t happen often, but it does happen.
Hoever, today, I took a quiz on a dating site, I decided to join a dating site, yay for me. But I took this personality profile… I have taken lots… I know my profile personality pretty well. This profile was different, the questions were aimed to be answered as you were as a child, not as you are now. Because according to this, everyone is born with their core personality in tact. Being that I worked in child care for 7 years, I can tell you that this is probably true. Babies, even little ones, have outrageously different personalities that they always carry with them through their childhoods. But anyway, so this test is geared at your core personality, the one you were born with. There was a disclaimer in there about yeah, people change blah blah blah but your core personality always remained. So I took the test. There were four personality groups. Blue, the intuitive, intimate, emotional type. Red, the powerful, stubborn, relentless type. White the gentle, kind, dependable type. Yellow, the outgoing, spontaneous and fun loving type. I figured I was a shoo in for blue.
I got yellow, not even just yellow but DEFINITELY yellow (thats what they said, definitely yellow). Yellow? Where did that come from? I am not outgoing, I HATE being around people. I suck in social situations and avoid them at all costs. I don’t like to be around people, revel in being alone! I don’t like having lots of friends, being the center of attention, I am not outgoing, I am not extroverted… all I could think of is WTF? YELLOW?? The worst is my next was red, then white, THEN blue. No no no, they got something wrong.
But then I started thinking. I was that obnoxious child, the one that was always in trouble, and way too loud. The one that wanted to be the center of attention and loved making people laugh. The one that put tacks in her shoes because she liked the clicking noise walking down the hall. The stubborn and crazy and creative kid. I was that one.
So what the hell happened?
If our core personalities never change, where did mine go? And the more I started thinking about it, the more I realized its still there. Just so locked away and hidden it doesn’t come out often. When I am with my Dad (my bdad for those followers) I am that person still. The fun loving, outgoing, silly funny person. The goofy one who loves to make him laugh. The one who is always being cheerful and telling him to look at the bright side. The Yellow me. Yellow. When I am with him, I can be yellow.
Every time else, I am Blue. The emotional, feeling, intuitive, craves intimacy blue. And I am blue with my Dad too, if it weren’t for the intimacy of our relationship (and NO intimacy does not mean SEX, at least not this definition of it) the yellow in me would never have come out.
So who the hell am I, the Yellow or the Blue?
And if core personalities don’t change, why do I gravitate towards blue?