God I have no freaking patience today.
Not that I ever really have lots of it. Through the years I have had different kinds of patience for different things. But I think that has all just worn thin. I am so just FED UP with my life. Just fed up. I have been for what seems like years now, and nothing I add to it, subtract from it, try to do with it, seems to change that.
I have had these brief periods where life seemed to be okay. A little over a year ago I finished my degree, got a good job and started making a decent wage with a company that actually offered health insurance. YES! Finally. I got my butt through school, that was hellish in and of itself. And got myself OUT of my daycare job, which was great, because I just needed to be DONE with kids. I used to have tons of patience for kids… but after seven years of working with them, my patience wore out, and I needed to do something else. Went to school, got my degree in graphic design, and landed myself a nice KID FREE office job. It really looked like things were going to start to look up.
OF COURSE NOT!
I lost that job just three months later, I am a massive fuck-up. And I thought to myself, okay God, when you close a door you always open a window right? There has got to be a reason for this. There has got to be a reason why I just lost the best job I had ever gotten, and my best chance at actually making something of myself in the field I went to school for. Because it was in the middle of the worst economic crisis since the great depression. There has GOT to be some reason for this bull shit! I got let go one week after my health insurance, which I had for the first time in five years, took effect. There had to be some reason.
Almost a year later I have still yet to find that reason. I have been living off of unemployment insurance and the money I make watching a little girl named Zoey for a whole whopping five dollars an hour. I have not been able to find ANYTHING in my field, had one group interview for a job at a UPS store that also did graphics work, and there were people there that not only had their bachelors degrees (I have my associates) but also experience in the field. My crappy three months at my great job don’t add up to much as experience. Which let me know JUST how bad the market is for graphic designers. My Degree is essentially one VERY expensive waste of paper. F’ing GREAT! All that work, all that heartache, all that freaking money! For nothing. For absofreakinglutly nothing.
Now I have six weeks until my unemployment runs out. Six weeks is nothing but a blink of an eye. I might have another extension, in fact I am pretty sure I do, but I can’t risk it. And besides… back to the patience thing, INEED TO BE DONE WITH KIDS! I love Zoey, but Zoey is a kid, and I need to be done with them. I just do, for my dwindling patience sake, for my sanity sake. And I need to go back to having a normal schedule again. I have meetings I want/need to go to at night. But I have to watch Zoey from 2-8. Kinda kills that since most of the meetings take place anywhere from 5 to 730. Can’t make any of those.
And I just can’t take the impatience anymore. I do my very very best not to take it out on little Zo. I do love her, but gosh shes a little kid, and she gets into EVERYTHING CONSTANTLY. Which grates on me, and creates a feeling within me that I am not a big fan of. That feeling of rage… thats what happens when I hold in my feelings of impatience, that feeling of rage. And most of the time the only release I have to let it out on is myself. So my impatience turns into frustration, and that frustration just turns inward toward myself. Which makes me even more angry at me for everything I screw up on to begin with. Its like this horrible never ending cycle.
I guess what frustrates me the most is this feeling is not new, in fact, in my life, it seems like its ALWAYS CONSTANT. I had that reprieve when I got my good job. It was like a sigh of relief, I could feel my life setting into something that I could handle. But no, as per usual, it just slipped away, right through my fingers, like a big joke on me. Like the universe was showing me JUST what it felt like to take that sigh of relief, just long enough for me to miss it when it was gone, and proceeded to take it away from me. Reminds me of my childhood, my parents used to love to do that to me in punishment. They took anything good I had away from me. The worst parts of my life I spent grounded with literally nothing, they would even take my music away from me.
So thats what all this feels like, a big freaking punishment, a punishment because I just seem to be the biggest f up that ever lived. Because life never seems to stop punishing me.
There is a hopeful employment oppourtunity, I have spent so long sending in resumes and calling places and gotten no where. But there is a temporary staffing agency at one of the hospitals near me. Hopefully I can get hired there. Its just a temporary position, no health insurance or benefits but it pays alright. And maybe it will be alright for a while. Lord knows what I will do after that, if I even manage to get hired there. But for now, that will have to work.
Because thank goodness, that job is blissfully CHILD FREE. Maybe I could manage to get some of my patience back.
I just wish my life wasn’t just so damn FRUSTRATING all the time!