A moment in a thought

My thoughts, in my life, of adoption and other such things

Reflecting June 28, 2007

Filed under: life,People,reflection,Self Discovery,thoughts — Jessie @ 8:56 pm

God I miss my computer…

And somehow I feel sufficiently pathetic for that being the case!  I am at my Dads house, on his computer, I asked if he minded if I got online.  He just sorta looked at me like, what?  You want to use our computer? 

He doesn’t even know how to turn it on.  Much less how addicting it can be.  He doesn’t understand how many hours can be wasted doing pretty much nothing while sitting in one spot.  To him TV is the high form of lazy entertainment.  Oh no, not me, I can’t even tell you what the newest TV shows are.

But I can tell you that my computer has been gone since Monday at 605 pm and I am not amused by it in the slightest! 

I have however, found out a great deal about myself in these last few days.  I am going to the gym on a regular basis!  Woo hoo for unlaziness. 

Most of all, I have been reflecting.  I have always been the type to take time to self reflect, really its one of the things I do best.  I can spend hours within the limits of my own mind and be perfectly alright with that.  I don’t really understand it, but as of late, I have learned not to judge it. 

In these few computerless days I have found my string of thoughts, and not told them to shut up, not distracted them away, just sort of let it come. 

I have learned not to judge myself, for who the hell is going to tell me that my way of thinking is wrong, except for me.  I don’t really understand where I got off thinking it was so wrong to begin with.  There is nothing ‘wrong’ with me.  I just don’t fit the norm. 

Who the hell wants to fit the norm anyway… sure as hell not me. 

I suppose for now, at least until I get out of this self reflective period in my life, perhaps forever, my blog shall turn into my place for my thoughts.  Well what a silly idea, isn’t that what it is anyway? 

In a way, I suppose, but often times I find myself wracking my brain for all those thoughts that go along with being adopted… and well… they are there.  But they don’t absorb everything.  Thankful for that, but really, I have discovered that I allow myself to feel these things, then also allow them to pass through.  DBT calls this the teflon mind… nothing sticks. 

I do not allow adoption to stick.  Oh yes, it sure as hell hurts at times but if I allow the pain to come, and then leave, it doesn’t hurt nearly as bad, its ok, and surprisingly enough… I am still dealing with it. 

Plus I have found our lovely adoptee forum.  I love it there… love that I have somewhere to stick my adoption poo poo and leave it be. 

So for now… this blog will really be… a moment in a thought.  A moment in the thoughts of me. 

Me.  Oh jeez… can I just say how much I have discovered that I absolutely REVEL in being alone?  Oh yes, revel in it. 

Yet, I don’t like to be lonely… explain that one to me! 

I just realized, that I have no idea how the hell I am going to get married, have children, anything that requires me to be around a person ALL the time. 

Married would be ok, married I could handle.  After all, there are people that I like to be around, really like to be around.  Sure they are very few and far between… but they exist.  I could get married as long as my husband respects my need for space, respects my need for that ‘me’ time.  Meaning me myself and I… not me myself and I in the same room with someone else.  Oh no, that won’t work.  I need a husband that won’t mind being in the same house, just not in the same god damned room all the time. 

Oh and if he could be quiet… that would be great too. 

But children?  I don’t quite know about children.  Children don’t really go away, they don’t leave you alone.  And I can’t come and go as I please. 

I suppose, during this reflective period, I have learned I am not ready for children, at least not right now.  (Not that I was going to pop them out anyway) but really… no need for them at this moment.  Nope not at all, I have enough of them at work that I can borrow… then return them home again.

Its just silly, this need to be alone.  Well I suppose it isn’t silly, I guess its just me.  I just have this no people attitude. 

I thought I didn’t like people, but I discovered that isn’t really the case either.  I like people enough, I am just a sort of quiet observer, I like to observe people, but not interact with them.  Interaction means a whole big bunch of things, things I don’t wish to have.  I also don’t like to be too close to people.  Closeness is a form of interaction, even if it isn’t communicative, its interaction.  I prefer to observe in a place where people are unlikly to observe me.  Therefore getting rid of that whole interaction thing.  But people by and large are ok… there are still plenty I don’t like.  But there are plenty I do like as well.  Things people say, people do, that make me smile and give me a greater hope for humanity.  In my quiet and observant way…

Perhaps I really am strange, ah well, strange I may be.  However, I am nothing short of me. 

Ahh I could write forever but I fear it would be terribly long and boring.  So I shall save more of my moments in thoughts in the next time I can hijack someone Else’s computer.  (god I HATE dial up!!  Spoiled anyone?) 

So for now… I go back to my internet free world… leave the house full of people, and children.  And go back to the things I can tolerate being with me all the time. 

My animals… gosh I love my pets… they are awesome. 

Maybe I will just become one of those crazy old cat ladies… wouldn’t that be fun!?

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In other news March 22, 2007

Filed under: People,Uncategorized — Jessie @ 12:44 pm

As many of you know, I work in a child care.  My room, my favorite one to work in and the room I consider mine, is the infant room. 

There are two women who work in there in the mornings,  Debbie and Sue.  I love them to death, they are my mom’s at work, as I am always joking with them that now, instead of having one mother, I have four.  They are there for me whenever I need someone to talk to, Sue and I call each other names all day.  Its cute, I like them a lot, although they are both much older than me, I consider them my friends.  I don’t know what I would do without them some days. 

In the afternoons, I work in there, with a girl named Briiana.  She is a girl, 19 years old, mature for her age but young none the less.  We also work very well together.  We have similar attitudes toward the children and have an ability to make each other laugh.  I never see her outside of work, but I still also consider her a friend.  It takes a lot for me to like people, but I like her.  I genuinely enjoy working with Briiana, and it kinda throws my whole day off if she isn’t at work.  Lately, she hasn’t been at work.  She has been gone this whole week, and last week she was out for a day as well.  I missed her, as when she isn’t there, I invariably get stuck with someone who doesn’t have a freaking clue what to do when it comes to infants.  Very difficult.  I knew she was sick, and I finally decided to ask my director what was really going on with her.  I got some distressing news.

She has Cervical cancer…. cancer, my 19 year old sweet hearted, good natured co worker, has cancer.  Wow.  She went in for her yearly girl doc appointment and her PAP came back positive.  Just imagine, going in for a routine doctors appointment and coming out with the news that you have cancer.  She is young, I imagine that they have caught it early, but still, how scary.

I guess I never really thought about it before now.  Cancer.  I have never known anyone under the age of 60 who has had it.  I know it happens a lot, you hear stories, and see children’s wards in the hospital and its sad.  But it happened, right next to me, to a girl I know.  She should be thinking about things like school, and finding a boyfriend, and going out on Friday nights.  Not cancer, not the things that you have to do to treat cancer.  Not spending time wondering whether or not she will be able to have children.  Not having to be faced with her own mortality at nineteen years of age.  It just makes me sad.  It also makes me think, think about how long its been since I have been in for my yearly… probably about three years.   Just makes you think, it can happen to anyone.