A moment in a thought

My thoughts, in my life, of adoption and other such things

Where is the open window here? September 14, 2009

Filed under: Depression,life,reflection,Things,thoughts,Uncategorized — Jessie @ 6:24 pm

God I have no freaking patience today.

Not that I ever really have lots of it.  Through the years I have had different kinds of patience for different things.  But I think that has all just worn thin.  I am so just FED UP with my life.  Just fed up.  I have been for what seems like years now, and nothing I add to it, subtract from it, try to do with it, seems to change that.

I have had these brief periods where life seemed to be okay.  A little over a year ago I finished my degree, got a good job and started making a decent wage with a company that actually offered health insurance.  YES!  Finally.  I got my butt through school, that was hellish in and of itself.  And got myself OUT of my daycare job, which was great, because I just needed to be DONE with kids.  I used to have tons of patience for kids… but after seven years of working with them, my patience wore out, and I needed to do something else.  Went to school, got my degree in graphic design, and landed myself a nice KID FREE office job.  It really looked like things were going to start to look up.

OF COURSE NOT!

I lost that job just three months later, I am a massive fuck-up.  And I thought to myself, okay God, when you close a door you always open a window right?  There has got to be a reason for this.  There has got to be a reason why I just lost the best job I had ever gotten, and my best chance at actually making something of myself in the field I went to school for.  Because it was in the middle of the worst economic crisis since the great depression.  There has GOT to be some reason for this bull shit!  I got let go one week after my health insurance, which I had for the first time in five years, took effect.  There had to be some reason.

Almost a year later I have still yet to find that reason.  I have been living off of unemployment insurance and the money I make watching a little girl named Zoey for a whole whopping five dollars an hour.  I have not been able to find ANYTHING in my field, had one group interview for a job at a UPS store that also did graphics work, and there were people there that not only had their bachelors degrees (I have my associates) but also experience in the field.  My crappy three months at my great job don’t add up to much as experience.  Which let me know JUST how bad the market is for graphic designers.  My Degree is essentially one VERY expensive waste of paper.  F’ing GREAT!  All that work, all that heartache, all that freaking money!  For nothing.  For absofreakinglutly nothing.

Now I have six weeks until my unemployment runs out.  Six weeks is nothing but a blink of an eye.  I might have another extension, in fact I am pretty sure I do, but I can’t risk it.  And besides… back to the patience thing, INEED TO BE DONE WITH KIDS!  I love Zoey, but Zoey is a kid, and I need to be done with them.  I just do, for my dwindling patience sake, for my sanity sake.  And I need to go back to having a normal schedule again.  I have meetings I want/need to go to at night.  But I have to watch Zoey from 2-8.  Kinda kills that since most of the meetings take place anywhere from 5 to 730.  Can’t make any of those.

And I just can’t take the impatience anymore.  I do my very very best not to take it out on little Zo.  I do love her, but gosh shes a little kid, and she gets into EVERYTHING CONSTANTLY.  Which grates on me, and creates a feeling within me that I am not a big fan of.  That feeling of rage… thats what happens when I hold in my feelings of impatience, that feeling of rage.  And most of the time the only release I have to let it out on is myself.  So my impatience turns into frustration, and that frustration just turns inward toward myself.  Which makes me even more angry at me for everything I screw up on to begin with.  Its like this horrible never ending cycle.

I guess what frustrates me the most is this feeling is not new, in fact, in my life, it seems like its ALWAYS CONSTANT.  I had that reprieve when I got my good job.  It was like a sigh of relief, I could feel my life setting into something that I could handle.  But no, as per usual, it just slipped away, right through my fingers, like a big joke on me.  Like the universe was showing me JUST what it felt like to take that sigh of relief, just long enough for me to miss it when it was gone, and proceeded to take it away from me.  Reminds me of my childhood, my parents used to love to do that to me in punishment.  They took anything good I had away from me.  The worst parts of my life I spent grounded with literally nothing, they would even take my music away from me.

So thats what all this feels like, a big freaking punishment, a punishment because I just seem to be the biggest f up that ever lived.  Because life never seems to stop punishing me.

There is a hopeful employment oppourtunity, I have spent so long sending in resumes and calling places and gotten no where.  But there is a temporary staffing agency at one of the hospitals near me.  Hopefully I can get hired there.  Its just a temporary position, no health insurance or benefits but it pays alright.  And maybe it will be alright for a while.  Lord knows what I will do after that, if I even manage to get hired there.  But for now, that will have to work.

Because thank goodness, that job is blissfully CHILD FREE.  Maybe I could manage to get some of my patience back.

I just wish my life wasn’t just so damn FRUSTRATING all the time!

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Who am I? September 5, 2009

And what a question that is.

Who am I?  Really, WHO am I?  I have so often wondered the answer to that question.  In the nature of me, and the nature of the diagnosis of BPD the question Who am I comes up quite often.  If you had asked me 10 years ago… five years ago… I probably would have looked at you like you were out of your mind.  I had no idea who I was, or even how to begin an accurate description of me.  I was whatever I wanted to be, a personal chameleon that could fit well into any situation.  Belong with any group of people.  Only I never really did BELONG, just pretended.  And silently hoped that no one would notice the chameleon in their midst.

Over the years I have developed something that would qualify as a sense of self.  I learned to lable things at put them into perspective and say, yeah, this is me, I like this.  I could even tell you reasons why I liked those things.  I have learned to allow myself to be myself, without questioning that too much.  Granted it doesn’t happen often, but it does happen.

Hoever, today, I took a quiz on a dating site, I decided to join a dating site, yay for me.  But I took this personality profile… I have taken lots… I know my profile personality pretty well.  This profile was different, the questions were aimed to be answered as you were as a child, not as you are now.  Because according to this, everyone is born with their core personality in tact.  Being that I worked in child care for 7 years,  I can tell you that this is probably true.  Babies, even little ones, have outrageously different personalities that they always carry with them through their childhoods.  But anyway, so this test is geared at your core personality, the one you were born with.  There was a disclaimer in there about yeah, people change blah blah blah but your core personality always remained.  So I took the test.  There were four personality groups.  Blue, the intuitive, intimate, emotional type.  Red, the powerful, stubborn, relentless type.  White the gentle, kind, dependable type.  Yellow, the outgoing, spontaneous and fun loving type.  I figured I was a shoo in for blue.

I got yellow, not even just yellow but DEFINITELY yellow (thats what they said, definitely yellow).  Yellow?  Where did that come from?  I am not outgoing, I HATE being around people.  I suck in social situations and avoid them at all costs.  I don’t like to be around people,  revel in being alone!  I don’t like having lots of friends, being the center of attention, I am not outgoing, I am not extroverted… all I could think of is WTF?  YELLOW??  The worst is my next was red, then white, THEN blue.  No no no, they got something wrong.

But then I started thinking.  I was that obnoxious child, the one that was always in trouble, and way too loud.  The one that wanted to be the center of attention and loved making people laugh.  The one that put tacks in her shoes because she liked the clicking noise walking down the hall.  The stubborn and crazy and creative kid.  I was that one.

So what the hell happened?

If our core personalities never change, where did mine go?  And the more I started thinking about it, the more I realized its still there.  Just so locked away and hidden it doesn’t come out often.  When I am with my Dad (my bdad for those followers) I am that person still.  The fun loving, outgoing, silly funny person.  The goofy one who loves to make him laugh.  The one who is always being cheerful and telling him to look at the bright side.  The Yellow me.  Yellow.  When I am with him, I can be yellow.

Every time else, I am Blue.  The emotional, feeling, intuitive, craves intimacy blue.  And I am blue with my Dad too, if it weren’t for the intimacy of our relationship (and NO intimacy does not mean SEX, at least not this definition of it) the yellow in me would never have come out.

So who the hell am I, the Yellow or the Blue?

And if core personalities don’t change, why do I gravitate towards blue?

 

Accepting July 3, 2007

Ah, I have been so meaning to blog but just havn’t gotten around to it. 

Technically my computer is fixed, I got the call today to come and pick it up.  However, I am about 80 miles away in a very very country setting. 

Somewhere I can actually see all the stars in the sky.  Its quite amazing to if I might say so myself. 

I am at my bdads… I don’t even need to call him my bdad, he asked me on Sunday if I would feel comfortable calling him Dad. 

Dad

Well that is definetly not the way I imagined all of this going.

I also have a sister, E. who is so much like me its almost scary.  I have never been like anyone in my life, and I now have two people that I am very much like, in very different ways. 

Oh sure, there is also a whole bunch of me thrown in, but I like it, I like having a sister I can relate to.  We have gotten along amazingly well, all of us. 

I even have a Niece, I have never had a niece, and I have to say, I am quite fond of the little kid.  Shes quite cute, really smart, and likes me.  The first time I heard Aunt Jessie I almost melted, I have a niece.  I love her already. 

In these last few days, week or so, I have really done a lot of thinking, a lot of self examining, and a lot of reflecting.  As proven in my last post as well.

I have allowed myself to grow up, I know this sounds silly, as I am 24 years old, already a grown up. 

However, I allowed myself to let go of a lot of the things and issues that have been holding me back, even a lot of the ones that have to do with adoption. 

For the first time in my life, I am not terrified of being abandoned, I know that the people I have are either still going to be around, or they are not.  It isn’t a great feeling, but one I am learning to sit with.  After all, fear accomplishes nothing, being afraid something is going to happen doesn’t help anything, in fact, a lot of the time it hurts. 

I am learning to let go of my fears.  

I have discovered the joy of true self reflection, of truly saying, ok this is my life, and this is what is in it at the moment.  I can either be radically accepting of it, or I cannot.  I have learned that I need to be radically accepting of the things that I am unable to change.  There are a great many things I cannot change.  And I guess I had some childish hope inside that they would. 

Like the big scratch I now have in the side of my car, I can’t change it, I can work on saving up money to get it fixed, but I cannot change the fact that it is there.  I can however accept it. 

It is a little bit of that control that I talked about in my last blog entry.  There are things I can control, and things I can’t.  I have learned that in taking control of the things I CAN change, can control, it has made me feel much more in control of other aspects of my life. 

I can control how I react to certain situations, and I can control the emotional child that I have allowed myself to revert to for so many months now.  I have two choices, to be accepting, or to not. 

I am chosing accepting, I am accepting my life, and my place in it.  I am also accepting my roles and responsibilities of the adult that I am… instead of the child that it is more comfortable to be. 

I already feel better, I feel like I have taken the reins of my own life instead of allowing others to control it. 

And I have found a little niche, a little one about 80 miles away from the place that I live, a place that feels like a vacation from the real world. 

A place where the acceptance of me is only validated by those that surround me.   Even the dogs… and there are four of them.  One of whom is a gigantic great dane that has taken quite a liking to me 🙂

 

Reflecting June 28, 2007

Filed under: life,People,reflection,Self Discovery,thoughts — Jessie @ 8:56 pm

God I miss my computer…

And somehow I feel sufficiently pathetic for that being the case!  I am at my Dads house, on his computer, I asked if he minded if I got online.  He just sorta looked at me like, what?  You want to use our computer? 

He doesn’t even know how to turn it on.  Much less how addicting it can be.  He doesn’t understand how many hours can be wasted doing pretty much nothing while sitting in one spot.  To him TV is the high form of lazy entertainment.  Oh no, not me, I can’t even tell you what the newest TV shows are.

But I can tell you that my computer has been gone since Monday at 605 pm and I am not amused by it in the slightest! 

I have however, found out a great deal about myself in these last few days.  I am going to the gym on a regular basis!  Woo hoo for unlaziness. 

Most of all, I have been reflecting.  I have always been the type to take time to self reflect, really its one of the things I do best.  I can spend hours within the limits of my own mind and be perfectly alright with that.  I don’t really understand it, but as of late, I have learned not to judge it. 

In these few computerless days I have found my string of thoughts, and not told them to shut up, not distracted them away, just sort of let it come. 

I have learned not to judge myself, for who the hell is going to tell me that my way of thinking is wrong, except for me.  I don’t really understand where I got off thinking it was so wrong to begin with.  There is nothing ‘wrong’ with me.  I just don’t fit the norm. 

Who the hell wants to fit the norm anyway… sure as hell not me. 

I suppose for now, at least until I get out of this self reflective period in my life, perhaps forever, my blog shall turn into my place for my thoughts.  Well what a silly idea, isn’t that what it is anyway? 

In a way, I suppose, but often times I find myself wracking my brain for all those thoughts that go along with being adopted… and well… they are there.  But they don’t absorb everything.  Thankful for that, but really, I have discovered that I allow myself to feel these things, then also allow them to pass through.  DBT calls this the teflon mind… nothing sticks. 

I do not allow adoption to stick.  Oh yes, it sure as hell hurts at times but if I allow the pain to come, and then leave, it doesn’t hurt nearly as bad, its ok, and surprisingly enough… I am still dealing with it. 

Plus I have found our lovely adoptee forum.  I love it there… love that I have somewhere to stick my adoption poo poo and leave it be. 

So for now… this blog will really be… a moment in a thought.  A moment in the thoughts of me. 

Me.  Oh jeez… can I just say how much I have discovered that I absolutely REVEL in being alone?  Oh yes, revel in it. 

Yet, I don’t like to be lonely… explain that one to me! 

I just realized, that I have no idea how the hell I am going to get married, have children, anything that requires me to be around a person ALL the time. 

Married would be ok, married I could handle.  After all, there are people that I like to be around, really like to be around.  Sure they are very few and far between… but they exist.  I could get married as long as my husband respects my need for space, respects my need for that ‘me’ time.  Meaning me myself and I… not me myself and I in the same room with someone else.  Oh no, that won’t work.  I need a husband that won’t mind being in the same house, just not in the same god damned room all the time. 

Oh and if he could be quiet… that would be great too. 

But children?  I don’t quite know about children.  Children don’t really go away, they don’t leave you alone.  And I can’t come and go as I please. 

I suppose, during this reflective period, I have learned I am not ready for children, at least not right now.  (Not that I was going to pop them out anyway) but really… no need for them at this moment.  Nope not at all, I have enough of them at work that I can borrow… then return them home again.

Its just silly, this need to be alone.  Well I suppose it isn’t silly, I guess its just me.  I just have this no people attitude. 

I thought I didn’t like people, but I discovered that isn’t really the case either.  I like people enough, I am just a sort of quiet observer, I like to observe people, but not interact with them.  Interaction means a whole big bunch of things, things I don’t wish to have.  I also don’t like to be too close to people.  Closeness is a form of interaction, even if it isn’t communicative, its interaction.  I prefer to observe in a place where people are unlikly to observe me.  Therefore getting rid of that whole interaction thing.  But people by and large are ok… there are still plenty I don’t like.  But there are plenty I do like as well.  Things people say, people do, that make me smile and give me a greater hope for humanity.  In my quiet and observant way…

Perhaps I really am strange, ah well, strange I may be.  However, I am nothing short of me. 

Ahh I could write forever but I fear it would be terribly long and boring.  So I shall save more of my moments in thoughts in the next time I can hijack someone Else’s computer.  (god I HATE dial up!!  Spoiled anyone?) 

So for now… I go back to my internet free world… leave the house full of people, and children.  And go back to the things I can tolerate being with me all the time. 

My animals… gosh I love my pets… they are awesome. 

Maybe I will just become one of those crazy old cat ladies… wouldn’t that be fun!?