A moment in a thought

My thoughts, in my life, of adoption and other such things

More liberations and decisions to be made… February 24, 2007

Filed under: Family,School — Jessie @ 11:45 pm

beware…¬†long and boring… read at own risk ūüôā¬†

I do not generally make decisions for myself.¬† This may sound like a bit of an odd statement, but it is true.¬† I am just not good at it.¬† I get nervous, I don’t have the confidence to know that the decision I am making is the right one.¬† I suppose that I have learned that it is very rare that you really do know for sure what the right decisions in life are.¬†

I have made quite a few (obviously) in my life.   I remember each and every large decision that I have made, and generally the events that have lead up to it.  Most of the choices I have made have come at a moment where a choice was inevitable.   Either that, or it is an impulsive decision that I later had to tell myself was ok, or not ok, and learn from them. 

I chose to move out of my house at 21.¬† It was a result of a long standing battle with my mother.¬† I hated her rules, I hated living under her roof, I hated the fact that she couldn’t treat me like an adult.¬† I wasn’t allowed to do things that any 21 year old adult should be able to do.¬† I wasn’t allowed to have tattoo’s (I had two) I wasn’t allowed to have piercings, other than one hole in my ear (I had four in my ears, and one in my belly button)… alright so I wasn’t very good at the whole rules thing.¬† I had an 11 o’clock curfew on¬†work nights¬†and one am¬†on weekends.¬† My mother had to know where I was going and what I was doing.¬†(¬† I know these don’t sound horrible, there¬†were many more, and I¬†was 21 years old… an adult in my own right!)¬†If I didn’t follow these rules she took the keys to my car, needless to say, I begrudgingly followed those.¬†¬†

I don’t know why moving out of the house didn’t accour to me earlier, I take that back, yes I did know.¬† It was one of those decisions that I was no good at making.¬† Same with getting my licence (didn’t happen until I was 19) getting a car (happened before I got my licence, but only because my parents pushed me).¬†¬† Same with getting a job (again, parental intervention on this one), same with a lot of things.¬† I hate change, and I am terrible at deciding to change things.

The decision to move out of my mothers house was a fast one.¬† I came home from Georgia with a brandy new hole in my tongue, thinking I could hide it as well as I did (not) hide the others.¬† My mother noticed it immediately, she said either it comes out, or I get out, right there, right then.¬† Unfortunately since I didn’t really want to sleep on the street, I took the damn tongue ring out, and moved out of the house.¬† This whole escapade took almost exactly a month.¬† I found a place, came up with the security deposit, boxed my stuff and moved out, within a month.¬† Who says I can’t make a decision.¬† Who say’s I can’t handle change.¬† I was so unbelievably and happily liberated that day… and got my hole back in my tongue the next.¬†

I have made many decisions since, the largest being the decision to go to school.¬† I hated school… actually saying I hated school is an understatement.¬† I was unsocial, didn’t have many friends, didn’t get good grades and was constantly at odds with my parents because of it.¬† Concentrating is not my strong suit, neither is motivation.¬† Doing homework was a joke, something I did when I absolutely needed to, to pass the class, otherwise¬†homework was nothing.¬† I decided that I had to go back to school to make my life better.¬† Besides moving out of my house, it was the largest decision I had ever made, and suprisingly enough, another one that was made very quickly.

Now I am in school, I am ready to pull my hair out, having a hell of a time keeping my stress level down enough to actually do the work I need to do.  I am in my fifth semester and just wishing it all to be done.  I was looking forward to a reprive, next semester, I have to take five classes and an internship ( I normally just take four classes) on top of working full time.  No Way In Hell.  Soo, I was figured it all out, I was going to get a very large grant, use that for my finances, and cut my work hours down to something in the range of 10-12 per week.  A BREAK!! A much needed, much sought after BREAK.  Ahhhh. 

Then the bomb drops, of course, don’t they always?¬† I am losing my major form of financial aid.¬† The aid that pays for over half of my school tuition, losing it, because I have already gotten the six semesters worth that the state allows you to get ( I went to college once before right after high school, didn’t turn out so well).¬† Soo, there goes my reprive, there goes my break, there goes my everything. I freaked, I was so upset, I figured the world must be ending, my long sought after break was crumbling before my eyes.¬†¬† Thanks to Meemo, a half a chicken (yes I do dip chicken in mayo… I know its weird, aparantly I am not the only one tho) and a bunch of smokes, I calmed down.¬† Realized that in fact,¬†the world¬†was not crumbling before my eyes.¬† It wasn’t insurmountable, and I could get through this.¬† I can figure out what I am going to do.
(thanks Meemo)

I made yet another large decision in my life, I decided that I was going to take the semester off of school.¬† Well duh, why didn’t that occur to me sooner?¬† A whole semester, to myself.¬† A whole semester to have a life.¬† A whole semester to do what I want, when I want and not have to worry about school!¬† Amazing.¬† I will have four more months to figure out finances, four more months to figure out what I am going to do.¬† Four more months to get my head on straight and get my life back in order.¬† Yes, it will take me four more months to graduate, but if that is what it takes.¬† I have been going to school, non stop, for a year and a half ( I go all year round, no summer or winter breaks, only about two weeks between each semester) Its time for a break, its time to breathe.¬†

I feel vindicated.  I feel like a giant weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  It is almost as if liberating myself to make a small decision also liberated and cleared me to make a larger one.  I discovered that it is perfectly alright for me to make these decisions without making sure they are the right ones first.  They are the right ones for me, and who cares what my parents or anyone else thinks of them.  It is what I am going to do. 

 

School January 24, 2007

Filed under: School — Jessie @ 9:16 pm

Ah, school time again. I am taking graphic design at a small private college. I like it, Im just not sure how much I LOVE it. I have never really been good at school to begin with, the ADD makes it difficult to concentrate, even at the best of times, and in the best of situations. I find myself in a class with a teacher that just bores the heck out of me. I was sooo excited about the class too, its the Adobe Photoshop class.¬† I was so excited to learn about photoshop, and didn’t think for one second that you could actually make that class boring, however this teacher has.¬†

I find myself sometimes really wondering what the heck I am doing.¬† Really, what am I doing in school, I hate school.¬† I am four sememsters in so this thinking is really beyond the point, but sometimes I just wonder.¬† Sometimes I just wish I could go back to the way things were before I started, so uncomplicated and easy.¬† Then again I wonder if anything really were ever easy.¬† I knew I needed to go to school to get a new career, because working in childcare just doesn’t pay the bills, at least not as¬†well as I wish it would.¬† Ah…life.¬† ¬†