A moment in a thought

My thoughts, in my life, of adoption and other such things

Depression is a bitch October 1, 2009

Filed under: Depression,life,Mental illness,Self acceptance,thoughts — Jessie @ 1:21 am
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Yep, you heard me.  It really is.  I have been struggling with depression since I was probably about 14 years old.  I don’t think it has ever really and truly gone away.  Sometimes I like to think that I feel better, and sometimes I REALLY do feel better.  Sometimes I think I might actually be free and clear of being just plain freaking miserable.

But alas, no, the depression always seems to creep its way back.

I have tried antidepressants, and yeah, they do help.  Really they do.  And really, I probably should be on them.  But I have no health insurance, no job at the moment, no money.  So it makes getting things, even simple medications, very difficult.

So I deal with depression.

Someone I know recently told me that in order to not be depressed anymore, I just had to catch myself when I started to feel like I was headed downwards emotionally.  She told me to make a list of things I liked to do that made me happy, and when I started to feel that down turning, to do the things on the list.  She gave me ideas like watching a comedy, and thinking of the really great moments in my life.

Well sure, that works… sometimes!  But not all the time.  Because like I said, depression is a bitch.

It makes me hate me.  Unfortunately I do hate me, especially when I am depressed.

When I am depressed, its hard to see past my faults.  I am totally socially inept when it comes to people.  I don’t understand why this is.  The closest explanation I have is that I never had the opportunities to learn proper social skills.  I didn’t really have any friends when I was little, and the few that I did got so annoyed with me, they would just give up.  I had one, and still have one, who just sorta accepts me for me.  That always amazed me.  But anyway, I didn’t have friends, my parents were USELESS when it came to trying to learn how to be a normal human.  My mother was uber strict about everything, so trying to figure out what was right and wrong was pretty much a hopeless cause since EVERYTHING I did was wrong to her.  In middle and high school I did get some friends.  But they were all like me, loners, hopeless, depressed, stoners who just sort of moseyed on through the day until they could get high, or go to sleep, or do something insanely stupid that would be amusing for a few minutes.  Even then, even with the loners, I was a loner.  I have many of these people as friends on facebook, and even the ones I considered to be some of my best friends, don’t know me at all.  Don’t know the slightest thing about me.  Probably don’t really care.  It hurts to know that I never really connected with ANYONE.  It hurts to know that is probably the main reason WHY I have no idea, now, how to hold on to a real relationship.

I have no social skills.  I am 27 years old and I don’t really know how to be NORMAL.  I mean I am not completely hopeless, but I struggle with basics, like how to react when people say things.  How NOT to say the first damn thing that comes to my head.  When to talk, when to shut up, when to give advise, when to listen.  All these things are learned by trial and error.  I didn’t have any of that, and now that I am older, not many people have the patience to deal with it.  I suppose I am not the only one.  But I guess that many people don’t really CARE that they don’t seem to have these basic skills, me on the other hand, I do.  I thank GOD every day for my Daddy (my bdad) for he is the only one who seems to have enough patience to not only love me unconditionally, put up with me, support me, be my best friend AND try to tell me WHEN I do something wrong, so that maybe I can fix it.  God bless the small miracles in life.

It’s like the core of my very personality is just defective, and try as I might, I can’t seem to make it completely right.

My body sucks, years of depression (theres the bitch again!) have taken its toll on me.  Everyone handles things differently.  I sleep, a lot, and eat.  Its my vice, my addiction I suppose I could call it.  Funny I can spill my heart and soul out but can’t talk about the fact that I have an eating disorder.  Due to this, the general nature of food is when you eat it in excess, you gain weight.  I have been getting fat since I was 12.  I succeeded fairly quickly.  And now my body is something I like to think belongs in a circus with little kids staring at me.  Okay so I am not that bad, but I am fat.  Fat enough to not really fit into clothes right.  Fat enough that I can’t just buy a bra at wal mart anymore.  Fat enough that EVERYTHING is difficult, that EVERYTHING doesn’t really fit.  Things people who are of more normal size don’t think twice about.  Like airline seats, lawn chairs, and sitting next to someone thats bigger than a toothpick at the movies.  Its embarassing, it’s the one thing I hate most about myself.  My Daddy is my saving grace on that too, he eats like I do.  Only somehow blessidly, as he is a man, is not QUITE as fat as I am.  But I am watching him die, from diabetes, from high blood pressure, from heart disease.  Its not a fun thing.  And knowing what is doing it to him, and knowing that I am headed right there.  He is 48 years old, he shouldn’t be as sick as he is, but I am going to be sicker than him.

Depression does this.  And it works in mysterious ways since no two people react quite the same.  But its a disease none the less, one that eats at you from the inside out.

And for me, no one knows.  NO ONE knows.  Sure some people know I am depressed, but no one has a clue when I am in my room alone that really I am curled up within myself.  No one knows how often I wish I wasn’t born, because I feel like everyone I know would have benefited from this.  The really deep depression makes me feel like I just shouldn’t be here, that I was just a god damned f’ up to begin with so why the heck am I here?  What purpose do I serve other than to cause others stress and pain?  It makes me so angry that I just can’t seem to be the person I want to be.  I feel like life was wasted on me.  That maybe my aparents would have been happier if they had just adopted a kid that actually FIT in their family, one that tried harder, did better, and didn’t screw up all the time.  Maybe my bmom would feel better if I had just had the life she wanted me to have, if I just WAS that kid that could fit.  If I was actually a well established human being that she actually LIKED.  The grown up one that could be her friend and not annoy the f@%k out of her.  If I wasn’t born, than no one would even HAVE to know I had been here.  No one would have to have suffered the pain that I cause, no one would be any wiser.  Maybe they would be happier.

Then I wouldn’t have to hurt.

Because G Damn it, depression hurts.  It makes me think these things, it makes me FEEL them inside!

My only blessing is that somewhere deep inside me I do know the truth.  I know that I am worth something, and that my aparents probably wouldn’t have been happy with anyone.  My bmom is probably happy somewhere that I am alive, if for nothing else that she has someone to email all the time, and an eternal connection to my bdad.  That I didn’t REALLY cause undue pain to my bdad just because I am alive.  That I DO deserve to be here, and I DO deserve to be happy.  I DO come out of that shell, I am lucky, because I REALLY DO.  The deep depression, the deep dark nasty life sucking mean bitch depression isn’t there all the time.  I am blessed with that, because sometimes I look back and wonder how the hell I even survived that.

I think I survived because when everything is always dark, you get used to it, you get adjusted.  But now, now I get some light, I get some happy, I get some sunshine, and optimism and love.  I hold on to those for dear life when it gets dark.  Because now that I know what light is, the dark seems so much darker, and so much deeper.  But I hold on to that light.

 

Where is the open window here? September 14, 2009

Filed under: Depression,life,reflection,Things,thoughts,Uncategorized — Jessie @ 6:24 pm

God I have no freaking patience today.

Not that I ever really have lots of it.  Through the years I have had different kinds of patience for different things.  But I think that has all just worn thin.  I am so just FED UP with my life.  Just fed up.  I have been for what seems like years now, and nothing I add to it, subtract from it, try to do with it, seems to change that.

I have had these brief periods where life seemed to be okay.  A little over a year ago I finished my degree, got a good job and started making a decent wage with a company that actually offered health insurance.  YES!  Finally.  I got my butt through school, that was hellish in and of itself.  And got myself OUT of my daycare job, which was great, because I just needed to be DONE with kids.  I used to have tons of patience for kids… but after seven years of working with them, my patience wore out, and I needed to do something else.  Went to school, got my degree in graphic design, and landed myself a nice KID FREE office job.  It really looked like things were going to start to look up.

OF COURSE NOT!

I lost that job just three months later, I am a massive fuck-up.  And I thought to myself, okay God, when you close a door you always open a window right?  There has got to be a reason for this.  There has got to be a reason why I just lost the best job I had ever gotten, and my best chance at actually making something of myself in the field I went to school for.  Because it was in the middle of the worst economic crisis since the great depression.  There has GOT to be some reason for this bull shit!  I got let go one week after my health insurance, which I had for the first time in five years, took effect.  There had to be some reason.

Almost a year later I have still yet to find that reason.  I have been living off of unemployment insurance and the money I make watching a little girl named Zoey for a whole whopping five dollars an hour.  I have not been able to find ANYTHING in my field, had one group interview for a job at a UPS store that also did graphics work, and there were people there that not only had their bachelors degrees (I have my associates) but also experience in the field.  My crappy three months at my great job don’t add up to much as experience.  Which let me know JUST how bad the market is for graphic designers.  My Degree is essentially one VERY expensive waste of paper.  F’ing GREAT!  All that work, all that heartache, all that freaking money!  For nothing.  For absofreakinglutly nothing.

Now I have six weeks until my unemployment runs out.  Six weeks is nothing but a blink of an eye.  I might have another extension, in fact I am pretty sure I do, but I can’t risk it.  And besides… back to the patience thing, INEED TO BE DONE WITH KIDS!  I love Zoey, but Zoey is a kid, and I need to be done with them.  I just do, for my dwindling patience sake, for my sanity sake.  And I need to go back to having a normal schedule again.  I have meetings I want/need to go to at night.  But I have to watch Zoey from 2-8.  Kinda kills that since most of the meetings take place anywhere from 5 to 730.  Can’t make any of those.

And I just can’t take the impatience anymore.  I do my very very best not to take it out on little Zo.  I do love her, but gosh shes a little kid, and she gets into EVERYTHING CONSTANTLY.  Which grates on me, and creates a feeling within me that I am not a big fan of.  That feeling of rage… thats what happens when I hold in my feelings of impatience, that feeling of rage.  And most of the time the only release I have to let it out on is myself.  So my impatience turns into frustration, and that frustration just turns inward toward myself.  Which makes me even more angry at me for everything I screw up on to begin with.  Its like this horrible never ending cycle.

I guess what frustrates me the most is this feeling is not new, in fact, in my life, it seems like its ALWAYS CONSTANT.  I had that reprieve when I got my good job.  It was like a sigh of relief, I could feel my life setting into something that I could handle.  But no, as per usual, it just slipped away, right through my fingers, like a big joke on me.  Like the universe was showing me JUST what it felt like to take that sigh of relief, just long enough for me to miss it when it was gone, and proceeded to take it away from me.  Reminds me of my childhood, my parents used to love to do that to me in punishment.  They took anything good I had away from me.  The worst parts of my life I spent grounded with literally nothing, they would even take my music away from me.

So thats what all this feels like, a big freaking punishment, a punishment because I just seem to be the biggest f up that ever lived.  Because life never seems to stop punishing me.

There is a hopeful employment oppourtunity, I have spent so long sending in resumes and calling places and gotten no where.  But there is a temporary staffing agency at one of the hospitals near me.  Hopefully I can get hired there.  Its just a temporary position, no health insurance or benefits but it pays alright.  And maybe it will be alright for a while.  Lord knows what I will do after that, if I even manage to get hired there.  But for now, that will have to work.

Because thank goodness, that job is blissfully CHILD FREE.  Maybe I could manage to get some of my patience back.

I just wish my life wasn’t just so damn FRUSTRATING all the time!

 

What does it feel like to be a borderline? September 13, 2009

Thats an interesting question.   And I could answer it in so many different ways.

Its been a long time since I have defined myself as a borderline, an adoptee, an anything really.  For a while now, I have sorta just accepted some semblance of me and described myself as that. But there are parts of me I suppose that may never really go away.

I read about Borderline Personality Disorder and realize that even if per say, I don’t qualify for the diagnosis, what it feels like to be a borderline will never be far from my mind.   I will never forget what it felt like for me.  Hell still feels sometimes.  (although I feel like I need to put a side note here, that I have recovered from having to feel a lot of these things anymore, I am a lucky one)

It feels like being lost.

It feels like not belonging in your own body, in your own skin.  Sometimes its even hard to feel like you really do exist, that this body you live in exists, and that it is somehow connected to you and to the actions that you put it through.

It feels like sometimes pain is the only way to make you FEEL like you exsist again.  Of course I am not talking mental pain, no that is something that is felt on such a deep level, you have to close it off just to remain somewhat functional.  No physical pain, physical pain is the connection to the reality of everything.  Without it, sometimes you can get compleatly lost in the non-reality of the disconnection you feel.

It feels like your mind is disconnected from everything sometimes, like you can’t quite get a grip on anything because there is just no way to grasp it, instead it just slips through your fingers just when you think you might get ahold of it.

It feels as though other people don’t really exsist once they are gone.  As soon as they walk out the door, or hell even just go to bed in another room, it feels like they don’t exist anymore.  Of course somewhere in that rational mind you know they still exist!  But you can’t feel them any more.  Like a light switch that just gets shut off, every feeling you have, every feeling they give you, dissapears as soon as they do.  As if every essance of there very being is gone until you see them again.  And when its that one person, the one that is the center of your world at that moment, Sometimes the pain of just missing someone is so unbelievable, its like the inner parts of your soul will just come apart until you can just know that they exsist once again. So sometimes you pretend they are there, just so you won’t have to feel what it feels like when they aren’t.  And of course, there is that rational brain telling you that you are nuts… and just deal with it.  But the longing is still there, no matter how many times you try to rationalize your way through it, the longing is still there.  The missing is still there.

It feels like lonelyness… because once you are alone, you are ALONE.  You can’t feel those who love you, you can’t feel their love towards you.  After they are gone, its like they don’t love you anymore.  After all, if they are gone, how can their love remain.  Lonelyness is so central, so inside the core, it feels as though you practically are the only person who exsists in the world, and yet that existance is so fragile, so unreal, that the lonelyness becomes your exsistance, and soon it feels as if the whole world has gone.  And without others, your own exsistance fades, hence herein comes the physical pain, as said before, physical pain can become the only tie you have to actual exsistance.

It feels like dark… dark dark dark.  Like all the light in the world was just somehow sucked out.   All the energy and all the hope, just gone, sucked away to destinations unknown.  Only sometimes then there is light, LIGHT!  So damn bright it almost blinds you.  Your eyes… your body are unaccustomed to so much light and it practiacally blinds you.  Happy is just as stong an emotion as sad, only even more scary.  Because I never quite knew what to do with that light… and before you know it, snap, its gone.

It feels like being compleatly out of control.  Anger, rage, at NOTHING sometimes.  But there is no hope in controlling that anger, none at all.  Let it out, and it is distructive, violent, dangerous.  Keep it in and it makes the darkness even darker, until finally everything just goes black…

or RED

And watch out for red… because when RED comes there is no help.  When there is red, there is no rational, only rage, uncontrollable, uncomprehensible, inexplainable, rage.

It feels like death, like death of your soul, death of your mind.  And you can’t get death OUT of your mind.  Can’t walk by a window without wondering what would happen if you jumped out.  Can’t look at your own wrists without knowing how simple it should be.  Can’t stop obsessing about how or when or if it would work.  Cant look at a bottle of pills without seeing death first.

It feels like black and white, and nothing in between… well except maybe red.  But everything, everyone, every place good or bad.  And every moment the black and white changes.  Good self, bad self, good mother, bad mother.  And somehow the ability to keep the good and the bad compleatly separate.  You can love someone you hate, and hate someone you love.  But never at the same time.  You either love them, or hate them.  But that can change in an instant.  Borderlines can love someone abusive… and be okay with it.

It feels like confusion, like never knowing the answer to a question.  Even one as simple as whats your favorite color?  What IS my favorite color?  Is it black, I’m wearing black today I think I like black.  But Purple is nice too, but wait maybe I like blue… do I like blue?

It feels like insanity, because through it all Borderlines are just intelligent normal people… with some kind of messed up brain sequence.  We know we are messed up, but don’t know how to make it stop.  Don’t know how to just BE NORMAL.  Don’t know how to just be ourselves.  Have no off button… have no on button.  Have no button that turns the black and white into gray.  Have no button that makes it easier when someone walks away.  Have nothing like that.  But do have an intense need to be loved… which proves difficult for others to do.  Which in turn makes our lives more difficult too.  It feels like insanity because you just can’t understand what the hell is wrong with you.  Why you can’t make sense of anything or anyone.  Why people look at you funny and ask you what the hell is wrong with you.  It feels like a complete lack of understanding and place in the world.

Because it feels like being able to function completely normally while no one around you has a clue.

No one around you knows the war you fight within.

 

Who am I? September 5, 2009

And what a question that is.

Who am I?  Really, WHO am I?  I have so often wondered the answer to that question.  In the nature of me, and the nature of the diagnosis of BPD the question Who am I comes up quite often.  If you had asked me 10 years ago… five years ago… I probably would have looked at you like you were out of your mind.  I had no idea who I was, or even how to begin an accurate description of me.  I was whatever I wanted to be, a personal chameleon that could fit well into any situation.  Belong with any group of people.  Only I never really did BELONG, just pretended.  And silently hoped that no one would notice the chameleon in their midst.

Over the years I have developed something that would qualify as a sense of self.  I learned to lable things at put them into perspective and say, yeah, this is me, I like this.  I could even tell you reasons why I liked those things.  I have learned to allow myself to be myself, without questioning that too much.  Granted it doesn’t happen often, but it does happen.

Hoever, today, I took a quiz on a dating site, I decided to join a dating site, yay for me.  But I took this personality profile… I have taken lots… I know my profile personality pretty well.  This profile was different, the questions were aimed to be answered as you were as a child, not as you are now.  Because according to this, everyone is born with their core personality in tact.  Being that I worked in child care for 7 years,  I can tell you that this is probably true.  Babies, even little ones, have outrageously different personalities that they always carry with them through their childhoods.  But anyway, so this test is geared at your core personality, the one you were born with.  There was a disclaimer in there about yeah, people change blah blah blah but your core personality always remained.  So I took the test.  There were four personality groups.  Blue, the intuitive, intimate, emotional type.  Red, the powerful, stubborn, relentless type.  White the gentle, kind, dependable type.  Yellow, the outgoing, spontaneous and fun loving type.  I figured I was a shoo in for blue.

I got yellow, not even just yellow but DEFINITELY yellow (thats what they said, definitely yellow).  Yellow?  Where did that come from?  I am not outgoing, I HATE being around people.  I suck in social situations and avoid them at all costs.  I don’t like to be around people,  revel in being alone!  I don’t like having lots of friends, being the center of attention, I am not outgoing, I am not extroverted… all I could think of is WTF?  YELLOW??  The worst is my next was red, then white, THEN blue.  No no no, they got something wrong.

But then I started thinking.  I was that obnoxious child, the one that was always in trouble, and way too loud.  The one that wanted to be the center of attention and loved making people laugh.  The one that put tacks in her shoes because she liked the clicking noise walking down the hall.  The stubborn and crazy and creative kid.  I was that one.

So what the hell happened?

If our core personalities never change, where did mine go?  And the more I started thinking about it, the more I realized its still there.  Just so locked away and hidden it doesn’t come out often.  When I am with my Dad (my bdad for those followers) I am that person still.  The fun loving, outgoing, silly funny person.  The goofy one who loves to make him laugh.  The one who is always being cheerful and telling him to look at the bright side.  The Yellow me.  Yellow.  When I am with him, I can be yellow.

Every time else, I am Blue.  The emotional, feeling, intuitive, craves intimacy blue.  And I am blue with my Dad too, if it weren’t for the intimacy of our relationship (and NO intimacy does not mean SEX, at least not this definition of it) the yellow in me would never have come out.

So who the hell am I, the Yellow or the Blue?

And if core personalities don’t change, why do I gravitate towards blue?

 

Our scars remind us, that the past is real… July 17, 2007

Filed under: Adoption,Adoption reunion,Depression,life,Self Discovery,thoughts — Jessie @ 9:25 pm

…. I tear my heart open, just to feel. 

Oh but I have felt so much lately.  Felt so much I haven’t even been blogging.  Felt so much I re taught myself how not to feel… because I didn’t want to. 

I have pretty much cut off the world from the me that is right now.  Sure I go to the forum, sure I email, sure I speak.  But no one knows what I have been feeling lately, no one. 

Not even my therapist, who for weeks I was avoiding speaking truths, until I finally broke and discovered that pretending to be strong doesn’t always equal being strong. 

I wanted to be strong, I wanted this world, and everything thats in it right now, not to touch me.  I wanted to be this big strong rock of a person, I wanted to be mature, to be strong, to be everything that I wish for myself to be. 

In doing so, I have been letting go of myself piece by piece. 

I told myself I didn’t need support, I was wrong. 

I need it. 

Even if I just write, even if I just speak, even if I just something. 

Because this not letting these things out is killing me, slowly, but its killing me. 

I thought that allowing myself to feel, allowing myself to be emotional was the same as allowing myself to be fucked up, to be crazy, to be mentally ill. 

I am NOT any of those things… I am just me.  Sad little me, but me none the less.  And keeping these things inside is what is making me crazy. 

Life right now, is hell in a handbasket.  Most days I wake up and wish I hadn’t.   Some days I wish I could just go back to sleep, some days I wish I had never woken up at all.  Some days I just wish I had never been born. 

Oh yes, there are plenty of days I wish I had never been born.  The way I figure it, it would have made EVERYONE else’s life easier, including mine.  No one would have to deal with me, including myself. 

I have tattoos on my wrists… tattoos that remind myself that life is short, but death is an eternity. 

I am tempted to go get choose life… choose life Jessie, choose life. 

And not for an unborn baby, for the baby that was born that is me. 

I have a lot of things to be happy about.  Especially right now, with my bdad… who I just call Dad.   God do I love him, love him so much it scares the shit out of me.  And you know what??  He loves me back, so it doesn’t need to scare me so much, but it still does. 

Its been a long, long time, if ever really, that I have had safe touch from a man.  And this man, my Dad, oh he loves to touch, almost as much as I do, shit he will even wrap his arms around me in the grocery store.  He’s big enough to make me feel small, and that is quite a feat in and of itself.  He does it though… he loves to watch musicals… we watched Chicago together snuggled in on the couch.  Loves his salt water tank, we can spend hours just staring at it. 

Most of all, he just loves me.  I am not used to it, not at all.  I don’t know as if I have ever been looked at the way he looks at me… the way he just looks in to my eyes with love.  I feel it, just by a gaze, I can feel it.  Its amazing. 

So what the hell do I have to be so depressed about?

Oh just about every other shitty ass thing in my life.  My job, it sucks… I got into trouble, and now my work environment is hellish.  Its been hellish for a while, but its even more hellish now.  I have decided that working with children, at least for me, at this moment, is akin to working in the seventh circle of hell.  I can’t do it anymore, I just C A N T. 

Unfortunately I don’t have much of a choice.  I am looking for another job, but the job market isn’t exactly brimming with opportunities for an unskilled, uneducated young woman.  I don’t have a college degree, and I don’t have any experience in anything except… children. 

My brand new car, my brand spanking new beautiful baby blue jelly bean, has two major dents/scratches/slashes whatever.  Things that despite my insurance, I can’t afford to fix.  And because there are two of them, my insurance is throwing me two deductibles… that equals $1,000.  Oh yeah, hang on let me just go out to my money tree… oh wait thats right, I don’t have one. 

So my brand new car doesn’t look so brand new anymore.  No, no it doesn’t.  It looks like its been through a bit of a war.  I want to cry just looking at it.   Fixing it?  I am going to try… I have 550.00 from the insurance company to cover $1,550 worth of damage… we shall see what ‘fixing’ it turns out to be.  And I have to wonder, what the hell is so wrong with me?  That I can’t just have something NICE for once in my life.

Oh yeah, and I can’t afford the damn thing, the car I mean.  My adad was SOOO into me getting the thing, I will help you, I will help you.  Thanks dad.  My credit card is maxed, my rent is over due, my electric bill hasn’t been paid in months, the only reason I have internet/phone is because I only have one phone… and my sister also has a line on the same plan.  My insurance is automatically deducted… and my car payment?  Well I am just making that. 

I am in so far over my head, without a life vest, I am drowning.  I can’t even afford to see my therapist, I figured I am a big girl, I don’t need her.  Yeah fucking right.  

I don’t know what to do anymore, the depression that I have dealt with for years is creeping back on me.  Yeah sure life with Dad is great, but life with Dad lasts for exactly two days out of the week.  That and he lives over 80 miles away… 80 miles… gas = $3.00 a gallon?  Oh yeah, cuz I can afford that. 

And it breaks my heart when I have to leave, I hate it, because its like back to reality Jessie.  Back to this life where everything sucks and you really wish you could just crawl in a hole until Friday reappears again.  

I am staying with my asister at my amoms house for three weeks.  That in and of itself is a bit of a trigger.  And I love my sister, but being with anyone ALL the time is difficult for me, much less with her ALL the time.  My sister, while not ‘retarded’ does have some special needs.  She needs someone here, I am used to not having to answer to anyone.  Its difficult for me, and she doesn’t understand the concept of a lot of things… like money.  Like the fact that I have N O N E. 

Its a little bit like having a full time babysitting job, without any of the bennies.  Like my own bed to sleep in.  I have to sleep in my amoms bed, in my amoms bedroom.  The effect that sleeping in my Meemo’s bed has on me??  Exact opposite of that effect is the effect that sleeping in my amoms bed has on me.  Bleck. 

I have no one really IRL (in real life) to talk to.  I have a buddy, A.  I love him to death, and he is cool to hang around with.  Cool to shoot the shit with, not so much when I feel like I am drowning in my own life. 

My other friends?  I really don’t have any.  One who is very caught up in her own life, always has been.  I see her maybe twice a year, and thats about it.  The other… well the other is a relic of a best friend that I had in the days when being a borderline was the story of my life.  I don’t even consider myself borderline anymore, don’t qualify for the diagnosis. 

When a diagnosis is all you have in common with someone, and you loose that… you loose what you have in common. 

My Meemo?  I don’t like to burden her with the shit in my head.  It scares me sometimes what she will think, react, say.  I don’t ever know what her reaction is going to be to me.  I never know, and I don’t like the unknown, so I avoid it.  She doesn’t like emotional… got that.  So I don’t do emotions… I am strong, I can shut them off!

Just not forever. 

Hopefully just writing this helps… I have the forum.  For any of you adoptees out there who aren’t on the forum, you must be.  Its like a safe haven for us adoptees to talk about… well… being an adoptee.   Click here for forum

I haven’t been sharing enough on there either.  I need to start opening myself up again, for my own well being.  After all, emotions aren’t bad, they just are.  I deserve to feel whatever I need to feel.  Right now I feel suffocated, suffocated by my own circumstances in my life right now. 

I realized, that I am doing a lot of the suffocating to myself.

 

Accepting July 3, 2007

Ah, I have been so meaning to blog but just havn’t gotten around to it. 

Technically my computer is fixed, I got the call today to come and pick it up.  However, I am about 80 miles away in a very very country setting. 

Somewhere I can actually see all the stars in the sky.  Its quite amazing to if I might say so myself. 

I am at my bdads… I don’t even need to call him my bdad, he asked me on Sunday if I would feel comfortable calling him Dad. 

Dad

Well that is definetly not the way I imagined all of this going.

I also have a sister, E. who is so much like me its almost scary.  I have never been like anyone in my life, and I now have two people that I am very much like, in very different ways. 

Oh sure, there is also a whole bunch of me thrown in, but I like it, I like having a sister I can relate to.  We have gotten along amazingly well, all of us. 

I even have a Niece, I have never had a niece, and I have to say, I am quite fond of the little kid.  Shes quite cute, really smart, and likes me.  The first time I heard Aunt Jessie I almost melted, I have a niece.  I love her already. 

In these last few days, week or so, I have really done a lot of thinking, a lot of self examining, and a lot of reflecting.  As proven in my last post as well.

I have allowed myself to grow up, I know this sounds silly, as I am 24 years old, already a grown up. 

However, I allowed myself to let go of a lot of the things and issues that have been holding me back, even a lot of the ones that have to do with adoption. 

For the first time in my life, I am not terrified of being abandoned, I know that the people I have are either still going to be around, or they are not.  It isn’t a great feeling, but one I am learning to sit with.  After all, fear accomplishes nothing, being afraid something is going to happen doesn’t help anything, in fact, a lot of the time it hurts. 

I am learning to let go of my fears.  

I have discovered the joy of true self reflection, of truly saying, ok this is my life, and this is what is in it at the moment.  I can either be radically accepting of it, or I cannot.  I have learned that I need to be radically accepting of the things that I am unable to change.  There are a great many things I cannot change.  And I guess I had some childish hope inside that they would. 

Like the big scratch I now have in the side of my car, I can’t change it, I can work on saving up money to get it fixed, but I cannot change the fact that it is there.  I can however accept it. 

It is a little bit of that control that I talked about in my last blog entry.  There are things I can control, and things I can’t.  I have learned that in taking control of the things I CAN change, can control, it has made me feel much more in control of other aspects of my life. 

I can control how I react to certain situations, and I can control the emotional child that I have allowed myself to revert to for so many months now.  I have two choices, to be accepting, or to not. 

I am chosing accepting, I am accepting my life, and my place in it.  I am also accepting my roles and responsibilities of the adult that I am… instead of the child that it is more comfortable to be. 

I already feel better, I feel like I have taken the reins of my own life instead of allowing others to control it. 

And I have found a little niche, a little one about 80 miles away from the place that I live, a place that feels like a vacation from the real world. 

A place where the acceptance of me is only validated by those that surround me.   Even the dogs… and there are four of them.  One of whom is a gigantic great dane that has taken quite a liking to me 🙂

 

Reflecting June 28, 2007

Filed under: life,People,reflection,Self Discovery,thoughts — Jessie @ 8:56 pm

God I miss my computer…

And somehow I feel sufficiently pathetic for that being the case!  I am at my Dads house, on his computer, I asked if he minded if I got online.  He just sorta looked at me like, what?  You want to use our computer? 

He doesn’t even know how to turn it on.  Much less how addicting it can be.  He doesn’t understand how many hours can be wasted doing pretty much nothing while sitting in one spot.  To him TV is the high form of lazy entertainment.  Oh no, not me, I can’t even tell you what the newest TV shows are.

But I can tell you that my computer has been gone since Monday at 605 pm and I am not amused by it in the slightest! 

I have however, found out a great deal about myself in these last few days.  I am going to the gym on a regular basis!  Woo hoo for unlaziness. 

Most of all, I have been reflecting.  I have always been the type to take time to self reflect, really its one of the things I do best.  I can spend hours within the limits of my own mind and be perfectly alright with that.  I don’t really understand it, but as of late, I have learned not to judge it. 

In these few computerless days I have found my string of thoughts, and not told them to shut up, not distracted them away, just sort of let it come. 

I have learned not to judge myself, for who the hell is going to tell me that my way of thinking is wrong, except for me.  I don’t really understand where I got off thinking it was so wrong to begin with.  There is nothing ‘wrong’ with me.  I just don’t fit the norm. 

Who the hell wants to fit the norm anyway… sure as hell not me. 

I suppose for now, at least until I get out of this self reflective period in my life, perhaps forever, my blog shall turn into my place for my thoughts.  Well what a silly idea, isn’t that what it is anyway? 

In a way, I suppose, but often times I find myself wracking my brain for all those thoughts that go along with being adopted… and well… they are there.  But they don’t absorb everything.  Thankful for that, but really, I have discovered that I allow myself to feel these things, then also allow them to pass through.  DBT calls this the teflon mind… nothing sticks. 

I do not allow adoption to stick.  Oh yes, it sure as hell hurts at times but if I allow the pain to come, and then leave, it doesn’t hurt nearly as bad, its ok, and surprisingly enough… I am still dealing with it. 

Plus I have found our lovely adoptee forum.  I love it there… love that I have somewhere to stick my adoption poo poo and leave it be. 

So for now… this blog will really be… a moment in a thought.  A moment in the thoughts of me. 

Me.  Oh jeez… can I just say how much I have discovered that I absolutely REVEL in being alone?  Oh yes, revel in it. 

Yet, I don’t like to be lonely… explain that one to me! 

I just realized, that I have no idea how the hell I am going to get married, have children, anything that requires me to be around a person ALL the time. 

Married would be ok, married I could handle.  After all, there are people that I like to be around, really like to be around.  Sure they are very few and far between… but they exist.  I could get married as long as my husband respects my need for space, respects my need for that ‘me’ time.  Meaning me myself and I… not me myself and I in the same room with someone else.  Oh no, that won’t work.  I need a husband that won’t mind being in the same house, just not in the same god damned room all the time. 

Oh and if he could be quiet… that would be great too. 

But children?  I don’t quite know about children.  Children don’t really go away, they don’t leave you alone.  And I can’t come and go as I please. 

I suppose, during this reflective period, I have learned I am not ready for children, at least not right now.  (Not that I was going to pop them out anyway) but really… no need for them at this moment.  Nope not at all, I have enough of them at work that I can borrow… then return them home again.

Its just silly, this need to be alone.  Well I suppose it isn’t silly, I guess its just me.  I just have this no people attitude. 

I thought I didn’t like people, but I discovered that isn’t really the case either.  I like people enough, I am just a sort of quiet observer, I like to observe people, but not interact with them.  Interaction means a whole big bunch of things, things I don’t wish to have.  I also don’t like to be too close to people.  Closeness is a form of interaction, even if it isn’t communicative, its interaction.  I prefer to observe in a place where people are unlikly to observe me.  Therefore getting rid of that whole interaction thing.  But people by and large are ok… there are still plenty I don’t like.  But there are plenty I do like as well.  Things people say, people do, that make me smile and give me a greater hope for humanity.  In my quiet and observant way…

Perhaps I really am strange, ah well, strange I may be.  However, I am nothing short of me. 

Ahh I could write forever but I fear it would be terribly long and boring.  So I shall save more of my moments in thoughts in the next time I can hijack someone Else’s computer.  (god I HATE dial up!!  Spoiled anyone?) 

So for now… I go back to my internet free world… leave the house full of people, and children.  And go back to the things I can tolerate being with me all the time. 

My animals… gosh I love my pets… they are awesome. 

Maybe I will just become one of those crazy old cat ladies… wouldn’t that be fun!?