A moment in a thought

My thoughts, in my life, of adoption and other such things

Where is the open window here? September 14, 2009

Filed under: Depression,life,reflection,Things,thoughts,Uncategorized — Jessie @ 6:24 pm

God I have no freaking patience today.

Not that I ever really have lots of it.  Through the years I have had different kinds of patience for different things.  But I think that has all just worn thin.  I am so just FED UP with my life.  Just fed up.  I have been for what seems like years now, and nothing I add to it, subtract from it, try to do with it, seems to change that.

I have had these brief periods where life seemed to be okay.  A little over a year ago I finished my degree, got a good job and started making a decent wage with a company that actually offered health insurance.  YES!  Finally.  I got my butt through school, that was hellish in and of itself.  And got myself OUT of my daycare job, which was great, because I just needed to be DONE with kids.  I used to have tons of patience for kids… but after seven years of working with them, my patience wore out, and I needed to do something else.  Went to school, got my degree in graphic design, and landed myself a nice KID FREE office job.  It really looked like things were going to start to look up.

OF COURSE NOT!

I lost that job just three months later, I am a massive fuck-up.  And I thought to myself, okay God, when you close a door you always open a window right?  There has got to be a reason for this.  There has got to be a reason why I just lost the best job I had ever gotten, and my best chance at actually making something of myself in the field I went to school for.  Because it was in the middle of the worst economic crisis since the great depression.  There has GOT to be some reason for this bull shit!  I got let go one week after my health insurance, which I had for the first time in five years, took effect.  There had to be some reason.

Almost a year later I have still yet to find that reason.  I have been living off of unemployment insurance and the money I make watching a little girl named Zoey for a whole whopping five dollars an hour.  I have not been able to find ANYTHING in my field, had one group interview for a job at a UPS store that also did graphics work, and there were people there that not only had their bachelors degrees (I have my associates) but also experience in the field.  My crappy three months at my great job don’t add up to much as experience.  Which let me know JUST how bad the market is for graphic designers.  My Degree is essentially one VERY expensive waste of paper.  F’ing GREAT!  All that work, all that heartache, all that freaking money!  For nothing.  For absofreakinglutly nothing.

Now I have six weeks until my unemployment runs out.  Six weeks is nothing but a blink of an eye.  I might have another extension, in fact I am pretty sure I do, but I can’t risk it.  And besides… back to the patience thing, INEED TO BE DONE WITH KIDS!  I love Zoey, but Zoey is a kid, and I need to be done with them.  I just do, for my dwindling patience sake, for my sanity sake.  And I need to go back to having a normal schedule again.  I have meetings I want/need to go to at night.  But I have to watch Zoey from 2-8.  Kinda kills that since most of the meetings take place anywhere from 5 to 730.  Can’t make any of those.

And I just can’t take the impatience anymore.  I do my very very best not to take it out on little Zo.  I do love her, but gosh shes a little kid, and she gets into EVERYTHING CONSTANTLY.  Which grates on me, and creates a feeling within me that I am not a big fan of.  That feeling of rage… thats what happens when I hold in my feelings of impatience, that feeling of rage.  And most of the time the only release I have to let it out on is myself.  So my impatience turns into frustration, and that frustration just turns inward toward myself.  Which makes me even more angry at me for everything I screw up on to begin with.  Its like this horrible never ending cycle.

I guess what frustrates me the most is this feeling is not new, in fact, in my life, it seems like its ALWAYS CONSTANT.  I had that reprieve when I got my good job.  It was like a sigh of relief, I could feel my life setting into something that I could handle.  But no, as per usual, it just slipped away, right through my fingers, like a big joke on me.  Like the universe was showing me JUST what it felt like to take that sigh of relief, just long enough for me to miss it when it was gone, and proceeded to take it away from me.  Reminds me of my childhood, my parents used to love to do that to me in punishment.  They took anything good I had away from me.  The worst parts of my life I spent grounded with literally nothing, they would even take my music away from me.

So thats what all this feels like, a big freaking punishment, a punishment because I just seem to be the biggest f up that ever lived.  Because life never seems to stop punishing me.

There is a hopeful employment oppourtunity, I have spent so long sending in resumes and calling places and gotten no where.  But there is a temporary staffing agency at one of the hospitals near me.  Hopefully I can get hired there.  Its just a temporary position, no health insurance or benefits but it pays alright.  And maybe it will be alright for a while.  Lord knows what I will do after that, if I even manage to get hired there.  But for now, that will have to work.

Because thank goodness, that job is blissfully CHILD FREE.  Maybe I could manage to get some of my patience back.

I just wish my life wasn’t just so damn FRUSTRATING all the time!

 

A ramble in a thought July 25, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jessie @ 9:19 pm

Sometimes I wonder if life is really always the same, if the stress and turmoil ends, if it somehow just starts to get easier somewhere along the line. 

Pretty much every time I think I have gotten all my ducks in a row, I discover that they are so far from a row, I don’t know how the hell I thought they were in one in the first place.

I am so tired of hiding all my feelings, so tired of everything being a stress just because emotionally, I seem to not be able to handle keeping it inside myself.  I wonder where the hell the balance is, the balance between hiding it all, and letting it all out loose. 

Some days I sit here and I want to write, but don’t for fear that not much that could come out of my mouth at the time would make much sense, thats how I feel right now.

Have you ever loved someone, so much, that it just hurt.  Have you ever wanted to try so hard to make them realize what they mean to you, that you would be willing, despite every terrifying fear of heights, to jump out of a plane with a sign that just says… I love you, please just accept me?

My whole life, I feel like I was never much accepted, at least not in any way that would constitute 100% acceptance of everything that I am, every feeling that I have, and everything that I can be. 

Perhaps I was accepted, and I was just looking in the wrong place.  Perhaps I just don’t know what the hell I am talking about. 

Reunion sucks… it can be good, and it can suck.  I have two reunions really, the one with my Dad, and the one with my Mom.  The one with my Mom?  God I don’t even know what to think about that anymore.  Its like sometimes that we are two of the same people on completely different wavelengths.  Everything we say, and everything we do, just doesn’t match. 

We piss each other off, we annoy the hell out of each other.  Sometimes I feel like she can’t stand to be in the same room with me.  Sometimes I long for her more than any other person in this world, and other times I just wish it could be so, so different, but since it can’t, I wish for it all to just go away. 

I hate this… hate it with all my might, my passion, my everything.  As I feel like its just one more thing that I just cannot do right.  One more thing that I just screw up beyond belief.  Yet I know that I am not completely at fault.

There is something about the two of us, something about our personalities that are just so much alike, and yet not alike enough, that we clash, horribly it seems. 

I tried my damnedest to change who I was so we were enough alike that we didn’t clash anymore, that sure as hell didn’t work. 

I am discovering that I have the ability, in my brain, and in my heart, to realize that despite all my seeming strengths here, that I have not allowed myself to be the only person I can be, and that is me. 

I guess I have just spent so many nights wondering who exactly me is.  This whole adoption/reunion is just really tripping me out.  Really messing with my head, especially now. 

I have a too good to be true reunion with my Dad, I have a new mom, my Mama L.  Who I love more than I ever expected myself to be able to. 

Then I have my Mom.  My Meemo.  Somebody needs to find me a book on how the hell to do this!  Perhaps I shall write my own if I manage to survive this. 

Is it possible to miss someone, and yet not want to see them at the same time? 

Is it possible to have so many conflicting feelings that you just don’t know WHAT to do with them, or yourself?  I just get through the day, and tell myself that I am so much better, and so much stronger than this

Surprisingly enough, its actually been working.  I have found that every step that I have made forward, is making me stronger.  Making the person that I am stronger.  Making myself at least feel a little better, and a little more in control of the parts of the situations that I can control.  It makes me less aware of the parts of the situations I cannot control.

I have found this strength, something that comes from somewhere so deep inside me I cannot even describe it, I just know its there. 

However, in the habit that is me, I also find myself fighting this strength because it doesn’t even feel like it belongs to me.  It feels like I should curl back up into the hole I have felt so safe in for so many years, just because I know what to expect.  Where this strength of mine would rather just stand on a mountain top and scream for all to hear that I am not as weak as I appear. 

Some days I even know, in the deepest depths of my heart what kind of person that I really am.  I realize that that person, above any, deserves a fighting chance at everything amazing that person can be. 

Sometimes it even amazes me that that person is me.

 

So Sad :( June 25, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jessie @ 5:49 pm

I am going without internet 😦  I have to send my baby, I mean my laptop, in to get fixed.

I am going to have to be without it for like two weeks… Oh goodness, I can’t even imagine.  Its going to be tough.

But I am going to get it back all shiny pretty and new!!!!!

I am going to try and check in… at least after I have my ‘meet Jessie’ picnic this weekend at my bio-dads.  Thats going to be interesting.

So I shouldn’t be compleatly gone… and you know… there are libraries.

Gosh I gotta go to the library???  Yuck.

So ttfn, taa taa for now!

 

And the whirlwind begins… again June 6, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jessie @ 10:49 pm

Yep, I can’t just leave things D$%M well alone can I.

I called my bio-dad today. 

Yep, just picked up the phone and called him!

Wasn’t thinking about anything really, I had about two pictures in my head of how it was going to go.  One was that he wasn’t ever going to call me back, two was that he was going to be ok with me that I called.  Send me the picture I wanted, perhaps give me a little information, and that be it.

OH NO

That’s not what I got! 

He was HAPPY to have heard from me.  Kept saying that he was waiting for a phone call someday. 

He wants to meet me.  OMG OMG OMG OMG

He freaking wants to meet me.  Possibly THIS weekend!! 

Oh, and he has five other children.

That puts my sibling count up to 12.

12

OMG

I don’t know if I am ready for this.  I want it, but I don’t know if I want it.  All I really wanted was a picture.  I never imagined this end of it, not for a millisecond. 

And now I have it!  There is no turning back, no nothing!  I am happy, just scared.   

Fortunately, its different with him because I don’t feel all the emotions I did with my Meemo.  Its different.

But its still scary as hell.  

More to come I am sure, right now I can’t even think.

 

Just a note to add May 17, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jessie @ 10:15 pm

Just a little note to add to my previous blog entry….

I guess I forget that none of you really know me, don’t know where I have come from, or where I have been.  The fact that I CAN be happy is a bit of a miracle. 

I am happier, more well adjusted and better feeling than I have been in years and years.  I am also no more depressed than I ever have been.  Anyone who has ever dealt with true depression knows that even a day out of it is a good day. 

I have a great many good days, a great many.  I am more ok now than I have been in a long, long time.  Its just those little dark places, I see them, I recognize them.  Sometimes I can even talk myself out of them.  I experience a million other moods along the way. 

I guess I am just fed up with those that come out of no where.  However, dealing with BPD is a long road, one I have traveled for a long time. 

And thank goodness, one I have come a long way on.  One that I have finally seen a lot more brighter days 🙂

Its just those pesky pissy Eeyore moods that get in the way!   But Eeyore is cute, I can handle being an Eeyore some days 🙂

 

WordPress doesn’t like me! May 16, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jessie @ 10:11 pm

I can’t comment on blogs… I have no idea why… I can’t even comment on my own.  T’is quite frustrating and I am feeling a little depressed about it. 

Perhaps someone has had this problem and knows what to do about it? 

 

A moment to those whose lives are torn apart April 18, 2007

Filed under: Uncategorized — Jessie @ 12:50 pm

I am taking a small hiatus from my blogging vacation to mention something I believe is worth mentioning. 

For all the crisis’ in our own personal lives, for all the crisis’ and emotions in my own personal life, is nothing compared to the devastation that is happening around us.

My heart, my prayers and my thoughts go out to those who lost their lives in the Virginia Tech massacre.  It brings back memories from the day’s of Columbine and the Amish shootings.  It breaks my heart to hear the stories, to see the sad faces, and realize the devastation of many lives torn apart. 

My prayers to the ones who lost their lives, and even more for the loved ones left behind.  I can think of nothing worse than losing someone you love.  Losing someone you love to such a tragedy is even more painful.  To all those who are suffering, to all those who survived that hell.  I feel for them.

I am asking all of you, all of you out there who see this, read this, take a moment to say a prayer or send hope and love to those who are suffering.  Not only at Virginia Tech but to the many others whose lives have been torn apart. 

The years it will take for the recovery of this, everything.  I feel for them, and I feel for their pain.